Oldboy (2013)

Oldboy (2013)

*CONTAINS SPOILERS*

I don't know why, but today I am reviewing Oldboy.  It's pretty safe to say I would never have watched this movie without the help of my good friend Jon Kenny! who has been talking about watching it with me for months.  Seriously he would not shut the fuck up about it, so recently  went over to Jon's house and decided to give the kid a chance.  I survived my visit, which is always a concern in the back of my mind when I hang out with that guy.

His dead eyes are a window to the blackness of his soul

The Plot

Joe Doucette is an asshole. He lives his life in true scum-lord style; alcoholic, cheating, abusive, childmolester (ok so that last thing was not true, but I wouldn't put it past him).  He has a daughter, proving that somebody made the mistake of trying to love him once, or he raped her.  Either way he's reproduced, making his behaviour even more reprehensible.  While on a bender, he is kidnapped and locked in a small, hotel style room.  His captors keep him well fed, with mickys of alcohol accompanying each meal.  He is also allowed access to basic cable, so he can keep up to date with the latest news stories, and masturbate to women exercising.

Through the news, he learns that his wife was murdered, and that he is the main suspect.  DNA evidence found at the scene proves without a doubt that he is the murderer.  (His captors framed him).

Joe stays in the room for twenty years.  Through the hard years, he's kicked his alcohol habit and started a rigorous training regiment inspired by Bruce Lee and Jillian Michaels.  He has also been digging his way to freedom, but before he is able to make his great escape, he gassed unconscious.

Joe wakes up in a suit case in the middle of a field.  Will he use his new found freedom to seek out his now grown up daughter and explain the truth of what happened?  Naw he's a piece of shit remember, he's going to try find out who kidnapped him first.

My Take

I realise this is a remake of an Asian film, but I'm reviewing it as a stand alone movie because who gives a fuck.  Let's start with the positives, there are some awesome fight scenes.  He straight up beats the hell out of countless thugs.  These scenes demand that you suspend your disbelief and just enjoy the brutal violence.  We all know that no matter how tough you are, you can't beat up 40 hardened thugs at once.  Luckily for Joe, the badguys abide by the bad guy code and only attack one at a time, only use their firearms as melee weapons, never strike from behind and only require one punch do defeat.

"Should we shoot him?  Naw just run at him with your gun raised!"

I was also very impressed by Joe's body transformation during his twenty year imprisonment.  He gained a remarkable amount of muscle towards the end and got TIGHT.  Proof that bodyweight exercises, household items and gymnastics are key to a buff bod eh hunks?

And of course steroids

*SPOILER*  Tiny spoiler but I hated the "surprise" ending.  Well not so much the ending, but the villain's motives behind his "Master Plan."  Seems a bit extreme to punish Joe to such an extreme, for something he barely played a part in.  Normally I love Sharlto Copely, but I disliked him in this film.  He played his role alright, but his character was just an underwhelming villain.  Psychotic sure, but more like a harmless nitwit than an evil mastermind.

Verdict

I was preparing myself for the worst, but in all honesty it wasn't entirely bad.  Not a great film by any stretch, but definitely watchable.  I guess Jon was right on this one, but I won't let him win the argument regarding John Carter.  I'll never watch that movie, guaranteed.  Until next time

6.1/10

300: Rise of an Empire (2014)

300: Rise of an Empire (2014)

Warning may contain SPOILERS.  But in all honesty the majority of the plot is basically irrelevant.  Nobody is going to see this movie for the depth and storytelling, they want to see abs and mud, stabs and blood.  We love seeing inexplicably superior Greek warriors cutting incompetent Persian bums to pieces.  You got it.

The Plot

Like I said before, not much going on here.  It occurs simultaneously with, and after the events of 300.  The story follows the Athenians (You may remember them from the first film, I believe Leonidas referred to them as boy lovers), brave Spartan like warriors who are also looking to defend their land from the tyrant Godking Xerxes.  While the Spartans specialise in melee combat by working as a single impenetrable unit, the Athenians prefer naval combat.  Lead by war hero Themistokles (he killed the king of the Persians many years ago that lead to Xerxes taking over), the Athenians head to Sparta to borrow some ships to meet the Persian assault head on.

He's no Leonidas, but I guess he'll do

Queen Gorgo graciously declines.  This is right about the time that Leonidas is off watching the Oracle do her sacred pole dance.  Without the help of the Spartans, the Athenians are greatly outnumbered by Persians (sound familiar).  Once again, bravery beats out logic and Themistokles leads an assault despite the odds.  His opposing general, the gorgeous and cruel Artemisia is all but assured her victory.  She has more ships, all of which are bigger and better than the Greek ships, and she has all of the greatest naval minds Persia has to offer at her disposal.

Plus she's hot as fuck, so that's got to count for something right

Can Themistikoles and his Athenians brave possibly overcome the odds and defeat the mighty Persians?

My Take

If you liked 300 you'll like this, no doubt about it.  However, I will say it doesn't quite measure up to the first in several categories, star power being one of them.  The best parts of this movie are when you catch brief glimpses of Leonidas smirking and you get to remember how much of a badass he is.  Don't get me wrong, Themistokles is badass too, but he can't fuck with Leonidas.  Also this movie doesn't quite live up to the homoerotic hype of the first one.  Every one of the Spartans war plans involved "taking the enemy in the rear while they are unaware".  They also talked about penetration a lot, and how impenetrable their unit was, almost daring someone to try to penetrate it.  So if you were into 300 for that reason you may be disappointed, though I know I heard the term boy lover at least once in this film.

"Ya erm, those Athenians are a bunch of boy lovers..."

The naval combat was a nice addition to the series, and blue of the sea and the Athenians navy cloaks were a stark contrast to the tan desert and red cloaks of the first.  This film had a great blend of battles both at sea and on land so if you prefer one to the other, you'll still be satisfied.

I liked that the film chronicled how young prince Xerxes became a mad God King.  It fills in the story, which I guess is a necessity, though it does eliminates some of the mystery surrounding the bronze giant.  It also allows you to empathize with him, which adds depth to his character, makes him seem more human.

Anybody with this many piercings has the personality of a gnat

One of my few complains is the lack of grotesque monsters.  300 had tons of abominations, the sequel not so much.  I mean come on, The Persians need some kind of advantage.  They are the shittiest warriors.  They consistently run at the Athenians with their heads down and arms back, perfect form for say, getting stabbed.  Did they even train as soldiers?  I'm pretty sure I have yet to see a "good guy" get cut down by a "bad guy" who wasn't a General or something.  Beyond their leaders, the Persian army is essentially just blood bags.  Frankly I'm amazed they were able to conquer anybody.

The Verdict

It was good.  Not ground breaking, or even as good as the original (which, to be fair was unreal), but still very much worth watching.  The relationship between Themistokles and his rival Artemisia is interesting to say the least.  This film will entertain you, 'nuff said.

7.5/10    

Star Trek: Into Darkness (2013)

Star Trek: Into Darkness (2013)

This week I’m reviewing Star Trek: Into Darkness.  I saw it in theaters not too long ago, so I was surprised to find that it’s already on Netflix.  They don’t even have American Horror Story yet but they managed to get this up quickly enough.  I thought this Into Darkness was really good after I saw it in theaters, but after reading a couple negative criticisms, mainly for lack of depth and straying too far from the original, I decided to watch it again to see if maybe I was tricked by the beautiful CG and gratuitous action.  For the record I am reviewing this title as a film fan only, not a Butthurt Trekkie.  Mostly because I am younger and the Star Trek I grew up with involved Professor X so my opinions on all things Star Trek are invalid.

Set phasers to stun!

The Plot

After a botched mission on a planet populated by an undeveloped culture, Kirk fucks up, kind of.  Using his gut feeling (which as far as I can tell is all that makes his special), Kirk exposes the Enterprise to the tribe of aliens to save Spock’s life.  I use the term life loosely as he looks and acts like a robot, but we’re constantly reminded he is not only a Vulcan, but half human as well, meaning his empathetic side will be integral to the plot later on.  Anyway, after risking his life to save a comrade, Kirk is stripped of his captaincy and must serve as First Officer of his own ship.  I guess they never heard of no man left behind.

After a terrorist attack on a Starfleet installation an emergency meeting is called, gathering all of Starfleets’s brightest minds in one wide open, unprotected room.  Predictably, the attack on the installation was implemented to facilitate this very meeting.  The counsel room comes under fire and many Starfleet officers perish in the attack.  In the most Captain Kirk way imaginable (by throwing a gun rather than firing it), he manages to take down the attacking gunship, even catching a glimpse of the assailant before he vanishes.

The terrorist is identified as John Harrison, who using alien technology, was able to teleport away from the attack to the one place he knows Starfleet can’t come after him, Kronos.  Kronos is a Klingon planet.  Starfleet and the Klingons have an agreement that basically says, you stay away and we’ll forget about you, but if you come close to our planet we’ll fuck you up.

Shortly after, Kirk is reinstated as captain of the Enterprise and assigned to the capture of Harrison in a Black Ops type of mission.  Exciting!

My Take

The risk you run when remaking a classic franchise is pissing off the fans of the original.  For this reason, Star Trek: Into Darkness has gotten mixed reviews.  Generally the average film viewer really liked it, while Star Trek fans that are loyal to the original (Trekkies) were a little bit more standoffish.  I read several reviews giving 1 or 2 out of 10, claiming the movie is a mess, which I think is a little bit misguided and inaccurate.
First off, as I’ve said before, there are very few movies that actually deserve a 1/10 rating.  For me a 1/10 is a film starring action figures where you can still see the people’s hands moving them around.  This movie is shot using a potato, with a sock wrapped around it for a filter, and a Coleman lamp for lighting.  The only live action actor is Hayden Christianson and he plays a girl.  That is a one 1/10, not Star Trek.  Giving Into Darkness 1/10 is an indication of a biased reviewer.  You wouldn’t take Hitler’s views on racism, why would you take a loyalist Trekkie’s take on the remake of their beloved classic franchise.  Times have changed, CG has gotten better.  Granted the fight scenes don’t quite measure up to the original

First you want to kill me, now you want to kiss me

The main criticism I’ve read is that Into Darkness is too action based and not intellectual/political enough.  I can accept that, as I would have loved to learn more about the Klingons, whose apparent only purpose in this film is to get their asses beat.  However you can’t complain about too much action in a fantasy/action movie.  If anything Trekkie’s should be praising this new movie.  Star Trek is cool and sexy now!!!  God forbid a Trekkie gets laid every once in a while.

Come hither Lover

Personally I hated the Uhura/Spock love thing.  I wish they would focus more on Kirks womanizing and less on a forced love affair between two robots.  Seriously Kirk will fuck anything.  And what is the policy on getting freaky with aliens anyway?  I guess society in the future (that’s when Star Trek takes place right?) is more accepting of carnal relations between different species than it is today.  Sure the aliens are all hot, but I would expect there would be some kind of law against that sort of thing.  White people killed off tons of Native Americans with their diseases back in the day, and we are all the same species.  One can only imagine the kind of diseases we could get from one of these...

Uhh, I think I'm with Kirk on this one

The Verdict

Shut up about ruining the franchise.  Have you guys seen Eragon?  Or Ender’s Game?  Spiderman 3?  These are franchise killers.  I thought Into Darkness was very well done.  All actors turned in good performances, the CGI was spectacular and the story was good (though not great).  Again would have liked to explore the Earth vs. Kronos rivalry but here’s hoping for a sequel.

8.2/10

Filth (2013)

Filth (2013)

 

 Let me start out by saying Filth is an incredibly good movie. It is shot in the style of a Guy Ritchie film, but manages to keep it fresh and entertaining. James MacAvoy does a great job portraying our hero, the drug addled Detective Bruce Robertson. Do yourself a favour and watch the trailer, which in itself is a work of art. On a personal level, I loved this movie, but I won't let that slant my unbiased analysis. Wait ya i will.
The Plot Detective Bruce Robertson is a Scottish policeman whose marriage hinges on a promotion. All that stands in his way are his fellow detectives whom he must beat out for the job. Robertson spends more time discovering and exploiting his co-workers weaknesses than fighting actual crime, which tells you all you need to know about our hero. Though he's a manipulative, insensitive scumbag, he still manages to be a compelling protagonist in ways that are hard to explain, though he is a tad difficult to relate to. Bruce struggles through addiction and various other trauatic mental roadblocks as he cuts as many throats as need be to earn his promotion and win back his beautiful wife. Unfortunately, as he draws closer to his promotion, he drifts farther and farther from his sanity. He's going down in flames and plans to drag everyone down with him.



My Take
Filth is a shocking rollercoaster through sex, drugs and insanity. Considering most people probably haven't heard of it, I sure as hell hadn't, it is an unexpected cinematic gem. The characters are excellent, the acting is good, and the soundtrack is inspiring. Detective Bruce Robertson's downward spiral is just entertaining.

Usually I like to make fun of movies, but in this case, I just want people to know how awesome this one is.
The Verdict
Facking watch it!
8.2/10

Escape Plan (2013)

Escape Plan (2013)



I recently watched Escape Plan starring Stallone and Schwarzenegger. I wasn't at all surprised to read that it bombed in the box office. Needless to say, I didn't expect much from this film but i was actually pleasantly surprised. It's no Goddamn Wolf of Wall Street, but it didn't make me throw up either.

The Plot
The plot is simple, and not believable in the slightest. Stallone plays a genius tactician, his specialty; breaking out of high security prisons. He goes into the "safest" prisons all across America and using his idiot savant power, breaks out of them. Afterwards, he informs his client of the prisons weaknesses resulting in a more secure jail. Since nobody would believe that he can handle it on his own, Stallone has a team that consists of a possible love interest (this avenue is never entirely explored or explained), a computer hacking genius (played by a bespectacled 50 cent so you know he's legit), and a greedy business man who tends to the numbers (and is not suspicious in the slightest) Together they plan the biggest score to date, a prison that has been labelled Impossible to break out of.

The prison contains the most dangerous prisoners known to man. At least thats what they tell us, but they all seemed pretty tame to me. I think one of them might have thought about starting a riot at one point, but decided to eat pudding instead. The location of the prison is unknown and Stallone finds himself in way over his head. His big score has turned into a nightmare as he seems to have finally found a prison even he can't break out of. Worse, nobody seems to care that he's innocent. How could the guards not see the innocence on his stiff, leathery face?

My Take

I'll start by saying this isn't a bad movie. It is decent and enjoyable, seemed to be well shot and was definitely better than I expected. That said, the entire plot relied entirely on luck and extremely shitty prison guards. Stallone is never searched in any capacity. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad he isn't strip searched, but you would think that would happen in a jail right? Nope, dude is able to smuggle objects around at will, and they aren't even that subtle. SPOILER the top secret location of the prison is on a boat. One inmate is actually able to sneak a large makeshift compass made from old glasses ABOVE DECK!

His asshole must be pretty deep to house that thing

Allowing a prisoner above deck would undermine the main appeal of the prison, it's secret location. Prisoners gossip, they don't have anything else to do, so if one inmate knows they're on a boat, they all know.

I also believe that Stallone was a bit miscast. I know you're probably thinking, buddy they had 50 cent playing a genius computer hacker? Well apparently all it takes to be a computer genius is a pair of glasses because despite 50's accent, he did wel in the limited role.

Science Mafucka

I did have trouble buying Stallone as a genius in any capacity. He should stick to action roles and leave the thinking roles to like, I dunno, Edward Norton. At one point in the film, Stallone uses a myth (direction of a toilet swirl) to help him figure out their location.


It's simple, my poop spun the other way

I suppose the main problem I had with this film was how the fancy high security prison was unbreakable, but incompitent containment tactics made it possible to break out. The sleeping quarters provided to the prisoners is a unbreakable glass box with a bed and a toilet. Whoever runs the prison clearly doesn't care about the sanity/wellbeing of the prisoners, so why not just keep them in their boxes 24/7? The prisoners are completely off the grid to anyone on the outside, and are already being treated inhumanely and routinely tortured. But the guards are soft and allow free time, inmates mingle and smuggle shit all over the place. If they would just keep the prisoners in lockdown all the time, the prison would be perfect, 0 chance of a breakout.

Try as you might, you just can's shank your way out

The Verdict I know I didn't really get into the positives about this film, but believe me, it is decent. The acting is acceptable, though it is geared towards one liners. The story, though it relies heavily on coincidences and chance, is pretty good. If it's not on Netflix yet, it will be soon, and that is where I would recommend watching it.

6.1/10

Ender's Game (2013)

Ender’s Game (2013)

Ender’s Game is one of the more recent Sci Fi movies that nobody really saw, and those who did didn’t have much to say about it; a la Oblivion or After Earth.  Did it come out on DVD already, it seems like it was just in theatres?  At any rate, apparently it is based on a fairly successful book series.  I never read the books, but JON KENNY, the guy I saw the movie with did, and he was none too pleased.

Nothing worse than bad cinematography amarite?

The Plot

In the future (I’m guessing) earth is in danger from an extraterrestrial bug species that almost obliterated all of humanity.  After being staved off, the buggers remained in hiding on their homeworld for 50 years.  Fearing another attack, Earth’s greatest minds plan to take the fight to the enemies homeland.  There is only one problem; all of our military tacticians are dumb as hell.  Earth’s greatest strategic minds have no idea how to take on these hive minded insects, so they scour the globe for the greatest resource we posses, children. 

Now that's what I'm talking about 

What I find baffling is the fact that the military has defeated the buggers once before, discovered a critical weakness, and even with all of their military expertise, still can’t figure out a way to execute an attack.  Don’t these commanders train for years and years, and have tons of experience dealing with this kind of thing.  There are even survivors from the first attack still kicking around.  Wouldn’t they have a better chance than some kid with almost no experience?  Fuck logic though

The army takes the gifted children and places them in a training facility to learn to hone their skills and become future commanders.  Did I mention this training facility was co-ed?  They’ve gathered a bunch of young boys and girls just entering puberty and housed them together, what could go wrong?  I know I’m no genius but when I was 12, I was too busy masturbating to focus on any kind of strategy.  If I was in a co-ed dorm there would be very little studying and a lot of me creeping bitches out #realtalk. 

Ender Wiggin, a particularly gifted boy (he must be as we’re constantly reminded by Harrison) quickly ascends the ranks and asserts himself as the undisputed leader.  Actually a couple kids tried to dispute it, but they got fucked up.

After rigorous training (seemed like about 4-6 months max as nobody ages) the children should be ready to launch the ultimate assault, the future of mankind at stake.  Hopefully they can keep their minds off of each other and on the mission at hand.

My Take

This movie had a ton of flaws and was doomed from the get go.  First off, the story demands graphic violence between children, which I’m pretty sure is illegal to show in movies.  A story like this is generally better left to the imagination.

Like most movies starting children, the acting is questionable.  The character development in this movie is pretty much shit.  Ender is a cold, calculating genius.  What usually accompanies these traits?  Psychopathology comes to mind.  Other than Ender himself, none of the other characters really get much development.  For Ender’s chums we have the usual stereotypes; the bully, the weakling, the black kid and the girl.  We are also blessed with a very diverse group of authority figures including the strict teacher, the empathetic teacher, the overly confident teacher and ShoutyBlacky.

To prepare for the role, he ate Idris Elba

I guess for the sake of time management and to focus on Ender, they had to simplify characters like Bonso and Bean into one word descriptors like nerd and bully.

I never read the book, but I have a feeling most readers would agree with me that the movie is a very dumbed down version of the book.  It is basically shoved down our throats how brilliant and tactical Ender is.  The kid can’t go to the bathroom without Harrison Ford commenting on his strategic genius.

He has a powerful stream, perfect for getting the most piss out in the least amount of time.  He's a tactical genius

 If Colonel Graff (Ford) spent less time pleasuring himself to Ender’s tactical brilliance (which is usually pretty close to common sense) and more time figuring out how to defend earth, maybe we wouldn't need to recruit kids to lead our assault.  

The Verdict

The story had potential, and the beautiful CGI tried it’s best to bring the story to life, but shitty screenwriting, underdeveloped characters and a couple plot holes made for a very underwhelming film.  Apparently the book took place over like 8 years or something, the movie covered at most a year, that is what I mean by “a couple plot holes.”

6.2/10

Lone Survivor (2013)

Lone Survivor (2013)

Not to be confused with the recent box office abortion The Lone Ranger, Lone Survivor is a gritty war flick depicting the gruelling life of US marines, focusing on the true events of operation Red Wings.  The last war movie I saw in theatres was Act of Valor, which I thought to be nothing more than a ra ra ra American propaganda movie.

'Murica

 I expected something similar with Lone Survivor, but I was pleasantly surprised both by the acting and the story line.  Of course I expected the action scenes to be top notch, and in that regard I wasn’t disappointed.

The Plot

Operation Red Wings is basically an assassination mission.  A squad of four soldiers are sent behind enemy lines to seek out and eliminate a notorious Taliban terrorist leader.  They have intel that indicates he is residing in a small mountain village, guarded heavily.  The intel proves true as the squad positively IDs their mark, unfortunately the mountains persistently interfere with their coms, eliminating their ability to communication with their commander.  They are forced to move up the mountain, hoping to re-establish communications.  After another failed attempt at opening the coms, the squad must dig in and get some shuteye.  

A sharp snap in the woods acts as a rude awakening to the sleeping soldiers.  An old man and two young boys inadvertently wander into the wrong neck of the woods while herding their goats.  One misstep and the squads position is compromised, forcing them to act.  A difficult choice lies ahead; kill the three intruders, one of which is a clear Taliban informant, or let them unharmed.  After much debate, morality wins out and the prisoners are released.  The squad couldn’t have anticipated one of the boys was a parcour champion, racing down the mountain to inform the Taliban of the unwanted American visitors.  Within hours, Taliban troops descend upon the squad, and the marines are in the gunfight of their lives.  Will it be their last?  According to the title, things don’t look good for 75% of the lads. 

My Take

Spoiler, there is only one survivor in Lone Survivor.  I’m curious as to who thought it would be a good idea to name the film that.  Don’t get me wrong, the movie is great, but the title itself is a major spoiler.  If you’re one of the squad mates hoping to survive a movie called Lone Survivor and you look to your left and see one of your mates is Mark Wahlberg, you know you’re fucked. 

I think I may be the Lone Survivor

The title also totally negates Wahlberg’s dramatic will he/won’t he death scene, especially when he is the one narrating it, essentially telling us “yo don’t sweat it, I survive!”  Being based on a true story, some people may have already known the outcome of the film.  Personally I didn’t know a thing about Operation Red Wings prior to this movie (as I’m sure a lot of other folks didn’t either), so the film could have maybe hidden the ending a bit more for us noobs.  That being said, there were a ton of surprises along the way, though the ending was never in doubt.

I was happy that the film took enough time with each character to make them likable before they inevitably die.  Incredibly, I went through phases in which every soldier was my favorite at one point during the film.  Though I didn’t fall for the “we all have wives at home” relationships that were forced down our throats early on, it was the fact that they all proved to be total badasses that I though made each marine memorable.    

I would also like to congradulate Taylor Kitsch for making his first good movie in a while.  Dude seriously had a rough stretch of flops recently and I am glad to see he’s clawing his way back into the light.

Except these, these ones were good right guys....guys

Though this movie starts slow, the buildup is worth it.  The firefights felt real, and every headshot was completely satisfying.  There weren’t a lot of jump cuts or shaky camera tricks, enhancing the realism.  The scenes with soldiers falling down cliffs were very intense and you could almost feel the bone crushing impacts.  .  Usually in action films, the hero absorbs bullets and sustains bone breaks like they’re nothing, simply wrapping them up and forgetting about them minutes later.  The amount of abuse the marines took before they broke was incredible, though you could definitely tell they felt the pain. 

The Verdict

Both the story and the action were great.  At two hours the movie didn’t overdo it, nothing pisses me off more than sitting through a needlessly long movie (I’m looking at you Robin Hood).  Lone Survivor is the best war movie I’ve seen in a long time, and is definitely worth a watch.  All the respect in the world to the men and women who serve.

8.0/10  

You're Next (2011)

You’re Next (2011)

Older than I expected, this film has been on my ‘to watch’ list for a while.  Obviously having been marginally successful in theatres recently my expectations were that it was going to be a bit more than just a run of the mill home invasion flick.  It was something alright.

PLOT

This film follows a large and mainly dysfunctional family and their attempt to bring everyone together for Ma and Pa’s anniversary.  After a brief and somewhat meaningless introduction scene where a middle aged man and his attractive if rather blank canvas of a girlfriend are slaughtered, we are introduced to Mom and Dad, who are opening up their magnificent summer home for the family celebration.  Mom is ridiculously quick to react to every little noise in the house and attempts to flee at the drop of a hat, even before anything scary starts to happen.  Can that even be considered foreshadowing or is that just hey y’all gon die territory?  After Dad wanders around with a stick for awhile, mom feels safe enough to re enter the house (yes she was crying out in the driveway). 

The family consists of a cast of characters who I will briefly describe in a speed round.

Crispian: middle brother, heavy Beta, I’m not fat I’m big boned type.  His girlfriend Erin has bigger balls than him and it makes almost zero sense that they would be together.  They are disgustingly cutesy together and it drives everyone crazy, especially my favourite character-

Drake: older brother and major douchebag.  I was blown away by Drake’s skills of antagonism, and even more blown away by his wife, who not only doesn’t mind his cruel ways, but goes along with it.

Felix: little brother, looks like he was probably a trouble maker, has a hot emo girlfriend named Zee.

I think there was a little sister and her artsy boyfriend, but being little more than bloodbags, they are hardly even worth describing at this point.

The family, with lots minor, easily kill-offable characters, finally begins their dinner.  It is interrupted first by a brother fight, beautifully instigated by Drake, then a crossbow assault from outside.  The family is under siege, but why?  Could it be because the neighbours are upset they weren’t invited to the party?  Maybe it’s because the dad is filthy wealthy? 

The second one, definitely the second one!

My Take

Twenty minutes in I was convinced I would hate this movie.  I was already coming up with little criticisms like bad acting (which mainly holds true), lack of story, uninventive etc.  I thought I’d seen it all before and better in The Strangers.  Thirty minutes in I changed my mind.  I didn’t realize this movie was a partial comedy.  I love the largely untapped Comedy/Horror genre, so as soon as Drake started cracking wise, I was back in. 

Let me talk about Drake for a second.  He fills the role of douchy older brother perfectly.  He can’t let his sense of superiority over his little bro die, even as a grown up, and nothing makes him more upset than seeing his little brother have something be happy.  I guess I like him because in a sense I can identify with him, being a big brother myself.  If you don’t know me, I used to leave my brothers action figures in compromising gay positions all over the house and take dick pics with his camera in attempts to frame him for being gay in front of my dad.  I also once tied him to a chair in our dark creepy basement with duct tape, left him down there for like an hour, than clumsily cut him loose with a razor sharp buck knife.  I’m not crazy, I’m not!  Either way I’ve grown up a bit since then, but Drake clearly has not.  I am truly jealous of his skills of antagonism, he doesn’t even die properly.  He is the best character in this movie, besides Zee (she edges him out because she asks to fuck Felix next to the corpse of his dead mother.  Surprisingly not the most fucked up sexual suggestion I’ve ever heard, but its close).

Don't go here kids

Some of the kill scenes actually were very shocking and brutal, which was unexpected.  If you’ve seen the film you probably recall “Daddy’s little angel” and how they thought it would be a good idea to have her sprint out the front door at full speed because the killers wouldn’t expect that.  Classic.  I also really enjoyed the soundtrack when it was prevalent.  After a few flawless murders, we start to see that the killers incompetent and unprofessional.  The blend of comedy and shock horror was actually fairly nicely balanced.   

All in all Erin handles herself quite well, though one scene in particular had me concerned with her intelligence.  She is gathering weapons to defend against the attackers, which is smart.  She trips and falls, dropping her carefully gathered arsenal all over the floor.  Not her fault, everyone falls, but one of the weapons she was planning to use to defend herself, or give to someone to defend themselves was literally a butter knife.

"Here take this butter knife, if they come at you try to woahh...."

Despite being funny and somewhat brutal, this wasn’t quite a slam dunk.  I did enjoy it, and being partially a comedy, I can excuse the acting quality but I hate cheap scare tactics and this movie is guilty of a couple.  It contains jump out scares, which is ok, but it relies on them as the only form of horror, which is bad.  There is one scene where dad comes in literally screaming “Hey I lit the furnace!” to capitalize on a tense moment with a jump scare.  There are also a couple absolutely pointless flash backs that made me wonder if I downloaded a faulty torrent.

The Verdict

Funny; yes.  Scary; maybe for some.  Worth a watch; definitely.  It’s not going to blow your socks off, but it will entertain you for what it’s worth.  Whether you cheer for the family or the bad guys, the ending will make sure you’re bloodlust is satisfied you dirty freaks. 

7.1/10

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

The Hobbit is drawing controversy between movie lovers and hipster book snobs.  The majority of the population loved this movie, but there are several extremist holdouts that spew irrelevant points and unwarranted criticism of this movie simply because they love to gloat about the fact that they read the book before you and they know everything that Tolkien would have wanted in a film.  They're the same dickheads who correct you when you call the dragon Smog.

It's pronounced SMAUG not SMOG!!

We try to stay away from those dickheads.  Sure the movie had some flaws, and yeah Peter Jackson took a ton of creative liberties with the story, but I’ve been reading reviews about this movie that give it 1/10 or 2/10.  Seriously at this point you’re just being obnoxious.  Any rating less than 6/10 should be viewed as being written by a troll, or someone who just doesn’t get it.  (Yes this is going to be a bit of a rant)

The Plot

Not going to ruin too much for you here.  The Desolation of Smaug is a very middle movie in this extended trilogy.  There is no real clear beginning/middle/end formula; it is simply a means to the grand finale we are all still aching to see.  The Dwarves, led by Gandalf and accompanied by Bilbo continue to make their way to the misty mountain.  The fellowship (almost scared to call it that) must evade forces of orcs, wood elves and even humans in pursuit of their goal.  Bilbo struggles with his obsession with the ring, Thorin struggles with his role as a leader, Bombur struggles with his weight and Gandalf struggles not to get buttfucked by the Necromancer.  

You have a problem

Through it all The Dwarves continue to fight their way closer and closer to the misty mountain and the dangers that lie within.

My Take

I really enjoyed this movie, and yes I did read the book.  Nothing pisses me off more than reading a review that says `this isn`t a good movie but you will enjoy it`.   What the fuck is that supposed to mean?  Get off your high horse and try to tell me that the point of movies isn’t to be entertained.  Even if you disagree with the rewrites and action, this is a fucking good movie.

I concede that there were a ton of discrepancies between the book and movie.  Jackson subjected the script to tons of rewrites that clearly sat uneasy with the Tolkein Nazi’s.  I didn’t mind so much because most of the scenes that were added did nothing more than inject some action and excitement into a fucking 2.5 hour movie.  Legolas was not in the book, but is anyone going to complain about his role in this movie?  They sure as fuck shouldn’t because all he does is kicks ass and takes names, killing orcs in numbers even Gimli couldn’t fathom. 

I'm still relevent!!

I’m not too sure what Tolkein Loyalists wanted to see on the big screen.  I’m sure anything short of a word for word retelling would be a major disappointment.  I’m glad they’re disappointed because their version of the movie would have been boring as shit.  Novels with in depth character development and lots of adventure (walking and eating in this case) don’t generally do well on film.  Take almost any Stephen King book.  Several anomalies made it to the big screen and did well (Carrie, Shawshank, hell even Pet Semetary was alright), but the majority of his movies are major busts.  Is this because he is a bad storyteller? Absolutely not.  Sometimes excellent written storytelling doesn’t translate onto the big screen because it is impossible to show internal thought processes and prolonged conversations on screen without being boring and having characters talk out loud to themselves.  Simple as this, blockbusters need to be tinkered to make them audience friendly.  I know I couldn’t sit through two and a half hours of a version of The Hobbit that included God Damn Tom Bombadill. 

One thing I do need to mention is the CGI.  I loved the LOTR movies because of the non computer generated special effects.  The Hobbit is a bit guilty relying heavily on CGI for the majority of action sequences. 

On to the positives.  The scenery was absolutely beautiful.  The action sequences were epic as well.  The movie had a good balance of action, comedy and discovery with only a couple scenes that dragged (Kili and Tauriel I’m looking at you and your fucked up attempts at romance).  The acting is second to none, as has come to be expected.  The final scenes may be a bit of a cock tease, but you will definitely be looking forward to the final installment next year. 

The Verdict

You know you are going to see this movie.  Snobs, get over yourselves.

8.5/10

Olympus Has Fallen vs. White House Down

Olympus Has Fallen/ White House Down

These two movies are so eerily similar that I have decided to compare and contrast them rather than writing a full review for each.  Both are about the White House coming under attack by terrorists, putting the president in mortal danger from which he must be rescued by an unlikely hero.  I’ll highlight the pros and trash the cons and eventually come up with the superior film.  I honestly wasn’t expecting much from either of these two, but one of them actually managed to surprise me (in a good way).

OHF                                                                            WHD

                               

Protagonists

OHF uses a combination of Aaron Eckhard as the president and Gerard Butler as the hero.  WHD uses Jamie Foxx as the President and Channing Tatum as the hero.  I’m a huge fan of both Butler and Tatum, and both are believable badasses so it all comes down to character and chemistry.  For me, Channing Tatum was the superior hero because his character’s story and motives werefar more compelling.  He does what he does for the love of his daughter more so than he does for patriotism.  Butler is simply trying to prove he’s still got it by protecting his president.

Both movies used younger males in the role of president, which was refreshing.  I preferred Foxx over Eckhart simply for believability.  Eckhart was far too chummy with his secret service buddies, whereas Foxx seemed focused on leading a nation, he also seemed to have a decent presidential platform.  Eckhart’s character is an over the top nice guy, not fake, like presidents are supposed to be.  Eckhart seemed more like he was a secondary hero, while Foxx reacted more like a real president would in that situation.  He is afraid and must face and overcome fears and adversity.  Eckhart seems like the whole taking over the white house thing doesn’t even faze him.  Though Eckhart is in it for his family, and Foxx is in it for his country (the inverse of the heroes) I don’t think it fits Eckhart’s character to put his child before the nation.  It would have been an awesome internal conflict if Eckhart even seemed to struggle with the notion, but he made his decision to save his kid first far too easily.

Basically Foxx and Tatum edge out Butler and Eckhart as far as protagonists go.  I made it seem pretty cut and dry but both tandems did pretty well.

Plot

How did the White Houses come to be under attack?  In OHF, an unidentified NORTH KOREAN aircraft flies straight to the White House, easily evades the White House’s petty attacks, which include anti-aircraft missiles (failed at their one job) and fighter jets.  After eventually crashing, the plane causes enough of a distraction so that a Korean tour bus that happen to be touring Washington can erupt with angry Asians wielding rocket launchers and assault rifles.  They easily storm the presidential house, overtaking the embarrassingly feeble guards and take over the house.  This would all of course be impossible without an inside man.  A Korean Terrorist, disguised as a government official, managed to get his people inside the building under the guise of South Korean government employees.  Just like that, snap snap, the White House is taken, and every single guard working there is dead, except for Butler who manages to sneak in during the carnage.  He is a disgraced former secret service agent who is eager to prove he’s still got it, and seizes his chance when the president is in danger.  Before he can rescue the President, however, he must rescue the President’s son who is also in the house.  The Koreans goal during this invasion?  They want to launch all of the Americans nukes and destroy everything.

WHD goes in a different direction.  Tatum is the Speakers guard, looking to join the secret service.  He brings his daughter to the White House for a tour.  While there he has his interview, which goes terribly.  If only there was some way he could prove he deserves to guard the president.  Luckily for him, this is the day the white house falls under attack.  This scenario involves an inside man, highly trained ex marines, mercenaries, hackers and racists, all united under the banner of getting rid of President Foxx.  Tatum, who is on the Presidential tour at the time of the attack, finds himself separated from his daughter.  He escapes and begins the search but instead of finding his daughter, he manages to rescue the President himself.

Comparable plots, but I think that WHD is far more believable.  It gets ridiculous at times, but the ridiculousness is intended.  In WHD, when the White House is taken, it is actually believable.  In OHF, you need to suspend all of your disbelief to follow along the extremely lucky assault on the House.  IRL if a Korean gets within a mile of the White House, Secret Services is alerted.  You cant tell me a bus full of tourists toting heavy bags and throwing hateful glares towards the White House didn’t arouse any suspicion.  In WHD, the secret service and guards simply look outmatched, and caught by surprise.  In OHF they look utterly incompetent and uneducated on how to use their defense systems and firearms.  WHD has more action, more on screen chemistry and a far more compelling story.  Looks to be a wash so far, only one more category can possibly save OHF.

Villains     *SPOILERS

But it won’t.  The villains in WHD are far and away more interesting and better than any of the baddies from OHF.  Let’s start with the inside men.  Both plots required an inside man to help the terrorists gain entry to the White House, and in both movies I was able to identify the rat before they were revealed, simply based on the actors they got to play them.

OHF                                                                            WHD

                          

Both of these guys reeked of inside men, and both aroused my suspicion immediately.  It was excellent casting if that’s what they were going for, but the element of surprise was non-existent.

In OHF, besides the crooked agent, there is a smattering of Korean mercenaries, one hot Korean computer hacker and the main baddie, a remorseless Korean terrorist whose origin nobody is going to care about.  Their vision is to destroy 'merica so that they can go back to war with South Korea.  For the most part, his mercenaries are expendable and faceless.

In WHD, there are many recognisable faces among the terrorists.  After Tatum kills one mercenary, the leader of the mercenaries (Jason Clarke) loses his shit.  He hates losing men more than he hates the president.  This kind of emotion is completely lacking in OHF (Butler could be killing the same masked mercenary over and over again and I would never notice the difference).  Most of the guys Tatum kills put up a decent fight, whereas Gerard Butler mows through guys with relative ease.  The villains in WHD are from all walks of life including ex military personnel, white supremacists, an infamous computer hacker and various Government employees, all united in their hate for the President.  I really liked the character development of the villains too, making it hard to hate them, even though they are committing atrocious acts.

The Verdict

White House Down takes this one easily.  It was a far superior film in almost every aspect.  It was more entertaining, had a better cast, better characters, better plot, more action, funnier and I didn’t laugh at their terrorists evil plan.  Seriously when that lone plane made it through the White House’s defenses I couldn’t contain my exasperation.  Can unidentified aircrafts really just waltz into America’s most important man’s house untouched, especially after 911?  Would never happen.  Also, I couldn’t believe Tatum outmatched Gerard Butler in this type of role, which is typically Gerard’s bread and Butler (pause for laughter).  He did an amazing job of being a charismatic, likable action hero that gets his ass beat occasionally, but always bounces back.

Thor: The Dark World (2013)

Thor: The Dark World

Thor: The Dark World is the newest addition to the Marvel family.  It isn’t at all out of place, adopting the humorous, borderline cheesy theme of its predecessors that we all inexplicably love.  Basically it is enjoyable and fun, but as I am a bit of an asshole, that just isn’t enough for me anymore.  I left the theatre happy (helped along by the fact that I had a free ticket) but I was hoping for more.  The real saving grace of this film is shown in the after credit scene. It looks like a sign of good things to come though so I’m holding on to the idea that the Marvel franchise is about to turn a big corner.

The Plot

Things are going pretty well in Asgaard.  Odin rules with an iron fist, Thor is off warring and drinking and Loki once again is locked up, never to escape.

Nobody believes that for even one second

Odin wants Thor to settle down with the sword wielding beauty Sif, and take over as the new King of Asgaard.  Needless to say, Thor has other plans.  He is a warrior and has his heart set on swinging his hammer rather than knocking boots. 

In other news, the seven worlds are about to align which apparently means they are ripe for conquering.  Coincidentally, this provides the perfect opportunity for Jane Foster (you may remember her as Thor’s barely willing one night stand from the first film) to stumble upon one of the most dangerous glowing mystery weapons known to the universe; the Aether.  Think red Tesseract; just as ominous and uninteresting, but just as otherworldly powerful.  Jane’s taught body absorbs the Aethers powers and she becomes a glowing red version of herself, but you know, more dangerous. 

Thor awkwardly swoops in to investigate, frustrated that he has to see his kind of girlfriend again after two peaceful, nag free years.  He decides he must fly her back to Asgaard to investigate the cause of the disturbance.  Thor speaks in olde English sentences that mean slightly more than nothing and the two share an awkward kiss.  Seriously, homie disappears for two years, is by no means compassionate and still gets to shack up with Natalie Portman because he’s abs.        

You could say they don't have chemistry

But what about the bad guy?  Well, after being defeated many years ago by Odin, an evil dark elf named Malekith has been lying dormant for years, waiting for the Aether to reappear so he can seek revenge on the leader of Asgaard.  Low and behold, the Aether turns up in Asgaard, providing the perfect opportunity for Malekith to round up his remaining soldiers and launch an assault.  Malekith wants the Aether to make all the worlds dark for his elves to live in… I think.  His motives besides revenge are never really made clear.  Either way, war has come to Asgaard and Thor must turn to his greatest rival for help.

I'm back bitches

My Take

First of all, the villainy in this film is far too black and white.  Why not develop Malekith more?  We should be shown more about his origin to make him more relatable (kind of like what happened with Loki) so that we feel bad for him and understand what he’s doing and why.  He and his dark elves are cool looking and all but because we don’t exactly understand what they’re doing and why, they don’t really amount to much more than generic bad guys.  All we really know about them is that they want to live in the dark and like the dicks they are, want black out everything for everyone.  If we could be emotionally attached to more than just the “good guy” the film would be way deeper and the action scenes would be more than just smash this and smash that.  Most viewers probably find Loki as likable, if not more likable than Thor, despite the fact that he is a treacherous villain.  Why not do this with all the villains.  I get it, Malekith is evil, but no character ever is that black and white, even Darth Vader started out as a good guy and he would wipe his ass with Malekith. 

And it's not even close

Comic fans are still waiting for Marvel to create a bad guy who is worthy of taking on any of the Avengers, never mind all of them.  So far Loki is the biggest baddie, and he is basically a weaker version of Thor.  He is entertaining and oddly charming, but he is really laughable as a main villain.  Judging by the end credit scene, our wait may be drawing to an end.  It appears the Marvel universe is preparing to unveil their biggest meanie yet.  

Thor and Loki make a better couple than Thor and Jane.  They have a charismatic relationship that is fun to watch.  We want them to get along, but we know it’s just not in their nature.  With Jane, Thor seems wooden and their relationship is boring.  I wasn’t buying their love story at all.  Thor has only one love, glory.    I wish there was less Jane, even though I fucking love Natalie Portman, her character just seems like a convenient vessel to try to cram a love interest into a film where one isn’t really needed.  There needs to be Less of Jane and less of her crew.  Honestly who really cares about them at this point?  All they are really doing is taking screen time away from the Malekith and the bad guys who could use it to become more than one dimensional targets for Thor’s mighty Hammer. 

The Verdict

This movie is basically just filler until the next Avengers movie.  The Avengers may have raised the stakes so much that any other attempt at a Marvel movie will always seem like its missing something.  Anyway, it was a fun watch with a nice blend of comedy, darkness, smashing and Loki.  It is as good as a Thor movie can be without the rest of the Avengers.  Bring on the Winter Soldier.

7.3/10