300: Rise of an Empire (2014)

300: Rise of an Empire (2014)

Warning may contain SPOILERS.  But in all honesty the majority of the plot is basically irrelevant.  Nobody is going to see this movie for the depth and storytelling, they want to see abs and mud, stabs and blood.  We love seeing inexplicably superior Greek warriors cutting incompetent Persian bums to pieces.  You got it.

The Plot

Like I said before, not much going on here.  It occurs simultaneously with, and after the events of 300.  The story follows the Athenians (You may remember them from the first film, I believe Leonidas referred to them as boy lovers), brave Spartan like warriors who are also looking to defend their land from the tyrant Godking Xerxes.  While the Spartans specialise in melee combat by working as a single impenetrable unit, the Athenians prefer naval combat.  Lead by war hero Themistokles (he killed the king of the Persians many years ago that lead to Xerxes taking over), the Athenians head to Sparta to borrow some ships to meet the Persian assault head on.

He's no Leonidas, but I guess he'll do

Queen Gorgo graciously declines.  This is right about the time that Leonidas is off watching the Oracle do her sacred pole dance.  Without the help of the Spartans, the Athenians are greatly outnumbered by Persians (sound familiar).  Once again, bravery beats out logic and Themistokles leads an assault despite the odds.  His opposing general, the gorgeous and cruel Artemisia is all but assured her victory.  She has more ships, all of which are bigger and better than the Greek ships, and she has all of the greatest naval minds Persia has to offer at her disposal.

Plus she's hot as fuck, so that's got to count for something right

Can Themistikoles and his Athenians brave possibly overcome the odds and defeat the mighty Persians?

My Take

If you liked 300 you'll like this, no doubt about it.  However, I will say it doesn't quite measure up to the first in several categories, star power being one of them.  The best parts of this movie are when you catch brief glimpses of Leonidas smirking and you get to remember how much of a badass he is.  Don't get me wrong, Themistokles is badass too, but he can't fuck with Leonidas.  Also this movie doesn't quite live up to the homoerotic hype of the first one.  Every one of the Spartans war plans involved "taking the enemy in the rear while they are unaware".  They also talked about penetration a lot, and how impenetrable their unit was, almost daring someone to try to penetrate it.  So if you were into 300 for that reason you may be disappointed, though I know I heard the term boy lover at least once in this film.

"Ya erm, those Athenians are a bunch of boy lovers..."

The naval combat was a nice addition to the series, and blue of the sea and the Athenians navy cloaks were a stark contrast to the tan desert and red cloaks of the first.  This film had a great blend of battles both at sea and on land so if you prefer one to the other, you'll still be satisfied.

I liked that the film chronicled how young prince Xerxes became a mad God King.  It fills in the story, which I guess is a necessity, though it does eliminates some of the mystery surrounding the bronze giant.  It also allows you to empathize with him, which adds depth to his character, makes him seem more human.

Anybody with this many piercings has the personality of a gnat

One of my few complains is the lack of grotesque monsters.  300 had tons of abominations, the sequel not so much.  I mean come on, The Persians need some kind of advantage.  They are the shittiest warriors.  They consistently run at the Athenians with their heads down and arms back, perfect form for say, getting stabbed.  Did they even train as soldiers?  I'm pretty sure I have yet to see a "good guy" get cut down by a "bad guy" who wasn't a General or something.  Beyond their leaders, the Persian army is essentially just blood bags.  Frankly I'm amazed they were able to conquer anybody.

The Verdict

It was good.  Not ground breaking, or even as good as the original (which, to be fair was unreal), but still very much worth watching.  The relationship between Themistokles and his rival Artemisia is interesting to say the least.  This film will entertain you, 'nuff said.

7.5/10