The Lords of Salem (2012)

The Lords of Salem (2012)

It’s October, so I thought I would watch a newish horror movie to kick off my favorite month.  The Lords of Salem is the most recent, and unfortunately the final film to be released by Rob Zombie.  The musician has written and directed several movies in his brief cinematic career, each receiving different levels of praise.  Of his original pieces, both House of 1000 Corpses and The Devil’s Rejects were relatively well received.  He’s also directed both of the most recent Halloween movies.  I thought Halloween was very well done, but Halloween 2 was trash.  The kind of trash that doesn’t even make it to the garbage, it just sits beside the can for a couple days until a racoon or something drags it off into the woods.  For Rob Zombie fans, there are tons of recognisable faces in this film as Rob taps into his group of friends to fill out the cast for The Lords of Salem.

The Plot

We are greeted by a disturbing opening scene portraying a very cultish looking ceremony involving a bunch of dirty, naked broads (not in a good way) and a goat.  Smells like witchcraft, we are in Salem after all. 

Flash forward several hundred years and we are in modernish times.  Heidi, (Sherri Moon Zombie, Duh) is a radio DJ, working in Salem.  She and her fellow DJ’s run an alternative radio station that is open to anything.  On the way to work one morning, Heidi notices an odd tenant has moved into the creepy room down the hall, number 5.  Later that evening, after work, a strange wooden box is left for Heidi labeled “a gift from The Lords.”  Within the box is a vinyl record.  Heidi assumes The Lords are a local band trying to get some air time so she takes the record home and listens to it with her fellow DJ Whitey (Jeff Daniel Phillips).  The music is very strange and disturbing, sounding like it is being played with broken string instruments, though it has a profound effect on Heidi.  She slips into a kind of trance and begins to see some terrifying visions of witchcraft.  Once the music is stopped she snaps out of it.

The next evening the radio show has a special guest, a novelist named Francis Matthias, who wrote one of the many books about the Salem witch trials.  After a brief and awkward conversation with Matthias, the DJ’s decide to play the strange record for their audience.  They believe The Lords to be a local band, hence they refer to them as The Lords of Salem.  The music strikes a chord with the females who are tuned into the radio station, causing them all to freak out, similar to the way Heidi reacted earlier.  At home, Heidi continues to notice strange things around room 5.

We don't talk about what happens in room 5

Francis senses something strange is happening after he recognises the tune from a journal he’d seen before while researching his book.  He seeks out a specialist on the Salem Witch Trials for some answers.  The specialist reveals that the most prominent witch cult in Salem was referred to as The Lords.  They were sentenced to be burned alive by Rev. John Hawthorne.  As the head witch burned to a crisp she cursed Hawthorne, claiming his bloodline would be responsible for the birth of the Devil’s child. 

Meanwhile Heidi, whose real name is just so happens to be Adelheid Hawthorne, continues to see visions of the witches in her dreams, leading us to conclude that she is indeed of Hawthorne’s bloodline.

In case her dream about giving birth to a satanic worm didn't spell it out for you

Only Francis seems to realize what is going on, and worse still, the three older women who live below Heidi have taken a particular interest in her of late.  Only one thing is for certain, The Lords of Salem are back.

My Take

The Lords of Salem isn’t so much scary as it is unsettling and creepy.  The film is generally devoid of colour, helping to convey the dark and haunting tone.  I thought the first two thirds of the film were rather good, and I found myself really getting into the story. 

Unfortunately I generally disliked Heidi’s two co-hosts on the radio show.  I found them annoying and a bit too cheesy on air, but off the air I guess they were alright.  Honestly though, what were they thinking playing “The Lords” live on their show?  And after it creeps everybody out the first time, they play it again a couple days later.  The music was literally played on threads and sticks, hundreds of years ago by talentless witches.  I have trouble believing they would be able to play that horrible sounding garbage on the air multiple times.

Well maybe it's not that unbelievable

And it’s about time somebody explained why goats are so prominent in Satanism.  I’m not sure how credible the explanation is, but at least they tried.  I also got a kick out of the scene in the church, but for all of the religious people out there I’ll leave that to the imagination.

As much as I enjoyed the first two thirds of the film, I was a little confused by the last bit. I wasn’t exactly sure what I was seeing half the time, but I liked it.

Needs an explanation, won't get one

At first I was a bit disappointed in The Lords of Salem, but when I was explaining the movie to my girlfriend a couple hours later, I found myself getting very excited just talking about it.  I realize I really liked this movie, but I am nothing if not an honest reviewer, and so I have to try not to let my personal opinions get in the way, especially when this film is far from perfect.

The Verdict

It’s not one of Rob Zombie’s best movies, but it is far better than that atrocity Halloween 2.  This is a great film to watch on a dreary October day.  Make no mistake, it will not be winning any awards, but it is worth watching, and will likely be enjoyable for people who loved Rob Zombie’s other films (excluding that disgusting turd Halloween 2)

6.66/10