The Lords of Salem
(2012)
It’s October, so I thought I would watch a newish horror
movie to kick off my favorite month. The
Lords of Salem is the most recent, and unfortunately the final film to be
released by Rob Zombie. The musician has
written and directed several movies in his brief cinematic career, each
receiving different levels of praise. Of
his original pieces, both House of 1000 Corpses and The Devil’s Rejects were
relatively well received. He’s also
directed both of the most recent Halloween movies. I thought Halloween was very well done, but
Halloween 2 was trash. The kind of trash
that doesn’t even make it to the garbage, it just sits beside the can for a couple
days until a racoon or something drags it off into the woods. For Rob Zombie fans, there are tons of
recognisable faces in this film as Rob taps into his group of friends to fill
out the cast for The Lords of Salem.
The Plot
We are greeted by a disturbing opening scene portraying a
very cultish looking ceremony involving a bunch of dirty, naked broads (not in
a good way) and a goat. Smells like
witchcraft, we are in Salem after all.
Flash forward several hundred years and we are in modernish
times. Heidi, (Sherri Moon Zombie, Duh)
is a radio DJ, working in Salem. She and
her fellow DJ’s run an alternative radio station that is open to anything. On the way to work one morning, Heidi notices
an odd tenant has moved into the creepy room down the hall, number 5. Later that evening, after work, a strange
wooden box is left for Heidi labeled “a gift from The Lords.” Within the box is a vinyl record. Heidi assumes The Lords are a local band
trying to get some air time so she takes the record home and listens to it with
her fellow DJ Whitey (Jeff Daniel Phillips).
The music is very strange and disturbing, sounding like it is being
played with broken string instruments, though it has a profound effect on
Heidi. She slips into a kind of trance
and begins to see some terrifying visions of witchcraft. Once the music is stopped she snaps out of
it.
The next evening the radio show has a special guest, a
novelist named Francis Matthias, who wrote one of the many books about the
Salem witch trials. After a brief and awkward
conversation with Matthias, the DJ’s decide to play the strange record for
their audience. They believe The Lords
to be a local band, hence they refer to them as The Lords of Salem. The music strikes a chord with the females
who are tuned into the radio station, causing them all to freak out, similar to
the way Heidi reacted earlier. At home, Heidi
continues to notice strange things around room 5.
 |
| We don't talk about what happens in room 5 |
Francis senses something strange is happening after he recognises
the tune from a journal he’d seen before while researching his book. He seeks out a specialist on the Salem Witch
Trials for some answers. The specialist
reveals that the most prominent witch cult in Salem was referred to as The
Lords. They were sentenced to be burned
alive by Rev. John Hawthorne. As the
head witch burned to a crisp she cursed Hawthorne, claiming his bloodline would
be responsible for the birth of the Devil’s child.
Meanwhile Heidi, whose real name is just so happens to be Adelheid
Hawthorne, continues to see visions of the witches in her dreams, leading us to
conclude that she is indeed of Hawthorne’s bloodline.
 |
| In case her dream about giving birth to a satanic worm didn't spell it out for you |
Only Francis seems to realize what is going on, and worse
still, the three older women who live below Heidi have taken a particular
interest in her of late. Only one thing
is for certain, The Lords of Salem are back.
My Take
The
Lords of Salem isn’t so much scary as it is unsettling and creepy. The film is generally devoid of colour,
helping to convey the dark and haunting tone.
I thought the first two thirds of the film were rather good, and I found
myself really getting into the story.
Unfortunately
I generally disliked Heidi’s two co-hosts on the radio show. I found them annoying and a bit too cheesy on
air, but off the air I guess they were alright.
Honestly though, what were they thinking playing “The Lords” live on
their show? And after it creeps
everybody out the first time, they play it again a couple days later. The music was literally played on threads and
sticks, hundreds of years ago by talentless witches. I have trouble believing they would be able
to play that horrible sounding garbage on the air multiple times.
 |
| Well maybe it's not that unbelievable |
And
it’s about time somebody explained why goats are so prominent in Satanism. I’m not sure how credible the explanation is,
but at least they tried. I also got a
kick out of the scene in the church, but for all of the religious people out
there I’ll leave that to the imagination.
As
much as I enjoyed the first two thirds of the film, I was a little confused by
the last bit. I wasn’t exactly sure
what I was seeing half the time, but I liked it.
 |
| Needs an explanation, won't get one |
At
first I was a bit disappointed in The Lords of Salem, but when I was explaining
the movie to my girlfriend a couple hours later, I found myself getting very
excited just talking about it. I realize
I really liked this movie, but I am nothing if not an honest reviewer, and so I
have to try not to let my personal opinions get in the way, especially when
this film is far from perfect.
The Verdict
It’s
not one of Rob Zombie’s best movies, but it is far better than that
atrocity Halloween 2. This is a great
film to watch on a dreary October day. Make
no mistake, it will not be winning any awards, but it is worth watching, and
will likely be enjoyable for people who loved Rob Zombie’s other films
(excluding that disgusting turd Halloween 2)
6.66/10
