Pompeii (2014)

Pompeii (2014)

Pompeii is not a very good movie.  This should not come as a surprise to anybody.  If you expected this to be good, I feel a little bad for you.  That being said, this movie does have its moments and it's short, so it's not a total waste if say your girlfriend is making you watch it (hi Chelsea).

The Plot

Milo (played by Jon Snow) is a gladiator trying to make his way up the ranks in the fighting pits of Pompeii.  As a child his whole family was murdered by the now Senator Corvus.  Luckily for Milo, he is to be the main event in a show held in the Senators honor.  This is the interesting plot line, there is also some half ass love story going on between Milo and the Mayor's daughter.  He killed her horse in front of her so obviously she is smitten with him.

He knows nothing about wooing women

Despite the Senator's best efforts to have him killed in the arena, Milo survives wave after wave of gladiators and becomes a fan favourite.  I guess everything is going to turn out all right.  Pompeii is going to get the money it needs to expand from the wealthy Senator and Milo will live to fight another day!  Just when things are going so well wouldn't ya know it Mount Vesuvius decides to erupt, that motherfucker.

Vesuvius can be a real bitch

In all the chaos, it is the perfect chance for Milo to reveal himself to Senator Corvus and take his revenge... No?  Ok I guess Milo is going to put his blood rage for the Senator aside so he can rescue that girl he met that one time and murdered her horse.  Ah the power of young love.

My Take

Forgive me if I'm a bit rusty, this is my first review in a while.  I liked the action scenes, despite my shitty computers attempts to sabotage them by skipping and lagging throughout almost every one.  From the mess of frozen frames I got, I was able to use my mighty imagination to fill in the parts I missed.  It got... pornographic.  

Kit Harrington did an excellent job of getting buff for the role, so there's that.  I also liked Cheif Keefer Sutherland in the role of Senator Corvus.  He does creepy very well.

As I stated earlier this movie has a couple bright spots, three I believe, but the love story is lame as hell and I actually kind of hate disaster movies.  I mainly dislike the way their plots progress.  The characters never really overcome anything, they just elude death for slightly longer periods of time than everyone else, and usually die in the end.

Because you can't fucking outrun a volcano

Milo manages to kill hordes of nameless faceless faces throughout this film, leading us to believe he is a truly badass warrior.  Ultimately he disappoints though as he doesn't kill anyone of value in this entire film.  Does he kill the Bellator guard that abused him while he was a prisoner?  Nope.  Does he kill Corvus's main body guard who is a proven equal to Milo in fighting skill?  Nope he gets his ass kicked and runs away.  Does he complete his character ark and kill his arch nemesis Corvus who sacked his village and murdered his entire family?  Nope, not really.  Milo doesn't necessarily overcome any challenges throughout this film besides being really good at riding a horse through smoke.

I don't necessarily believe this movie should have even been made.  What I mean is, in the end Vesuvius erupts and everybody dies (<-----Spoiler).  In essence, the decisions made by any character appearing in this movie are entirely pointless and will have no long term affect on anything.  Milo decides to try and save Cassia; beautiful, but he fails and they both burn to death.  Milo decides to be a coward and run away to save himself; both he and Cassia burn to death.  Either way, nobody is ever going to know because NOBODY survives to write it into the histories.  Actually, Milo may have worsened Cassia's death as before he saved her, she was locked in a villa and didn't know that her whole city was killed, including her parents.  After Milo saves her, however, little doubt will be left in her mind about her parents fate after she gets an up close look at their fresh corpses.

I killed your horse and got a kiss, what do I get for finding your parents corpses?

The Verdict

At the end of a film when every single character we've been introduced to is now dead, what are we supposed to feel?  What are we supposed to have gained form this film?  Death is inevitable, love and emotions are futile?  Well at least those three action scenes were good right.

It's a meh date movie I suppose but don't expect it to mean anything to you afterwards.  My favourite part of this movie was when it was over and I could watch something else that might mean something to me.

5/10