Oldboy (2013)

Oldboy (2013)

*CONTAINS SPOILERS*

I don't know why, but today I am reviewing Oldboy.  It's pretty safe to say I would never have watched this movie without the help of my good friend Jon Kenny! who has been talking about watching it with me for months.  Seriously he would not shut the fuck up about it, so recently  went over to Jon's house and decided to give the kid a chance.  I survived my visit, which is always a concern in the back of my mind when I hang out with that guy.

His dead eyes are a window to the blackness of his soul

The Plot

Joe Doucette is an asshole. He lives his life in true scum-lord style; alcoholic, cheating, abusive, childmolester (ok so that last thing was not true, but I wouldn't put it past him).  He has a daughter, proving that somebody made the mistake of trying to love him once, or he raped her.  Either way he's reproduced, making his behaviour even more reprehensible.  While on a bender, he is kidnapped and locked in a small, hotel style room.  His captors keep him well fed, with mickys of alcohol accompanying each meal.  He is also allowed access to basic cable, so he can keep up to date with the latest news stories, and masturbate to women exercising.

Through the news, he learns that his wife was murdered, and that he is the main suspect.  DNA evidence found at the scene proves without a doubt that he is the murderer.  (His captors framed him).

Joe stays in the room for twenty years.  Through the hard years, he's kicked his alcohol habit and started a rigorous training regiment inspired by Bruce Lee and Jillian Michaels.  He has also been digging his way to freedom, but before he is able to make his great escape, he gassed unconscious.

Joe wakes up in a suit case in the middle of a field.  Will he use his new found freedom to seek out his now grown up daughter and explain the truth of what happened?  Naw he's a piece of shit remember, he's going to try find out who kidnapped him first.

My Take

I realise this is a remake of an Asian film, but I'm reviewing it as a stand alone movie because who gives a fuck.  Let's start with the positives, there are some awesome fight scenes.  He straight up beats the hell out of countless thugs.  These scenes demand that you suspend your disbelief and just enjoy the brutal violence.  We all know that no matter how tough you are, you can't beat up 40 hardened thugs at once.  Luckily for Joe, the badguys abide by the bad guy code and only attack one at a time, only use their firearms as melee weapons, never strike from behind and only require one punch do defeat.

"Should we shoot him?  Naw just run at him with your gun raised!"

I was also very impressed by Joe's body transformation during his twenty year imprisonment.  He gained a remarkable amount of muscle towards the end and got TIGHT.  Proof that bodyweight exercises, household items and gymnastics are key to a buff bod eh hunks?

And of course steroids

*SPOILER*  Tiny spoiler but I hated the "surprise" ending.  Well not so much the ending, but the villain's motives behind his "Master Plan."  Seems a bit extreme to punish Joe to such an extreme, for something he barely played a part in.  Normally I love Sharlto Copely, but I disliked him in this film.  He played his role alright, but his character was just an underwhelming villain.  Psychotic sure, but more like a harmless nitwit than an evil mastermind.

Verdict

I was preparing myself for the worst, but in all honesty it wasn't entirely bad.  Not a great film by any stretch, but definitely watchable.  I guess Jon was right on this one, but I won't let him win the argument regarding John Carter.  I'll never watch that movie, guaranteed.  Until next time

6.1/10