Ender's Game (2013)

Ender’s Game (2013)

Ender’s Game is one of the more recent Sci Fi movies that nobody really saw, and those who did didn’t have much to say about it; a la Oblivion or After Earth.  Did it come out on DVD already, it seems like it was just in theatres?  At any rate, apparently it is based on a fairly successful book series.  I never read the books, but JON KENNY, the guy I saw the movie with did, and he was none too pleased.

Nothing worse than bad cinematography amarite?

The Plot

In the future (I’m guessing) earth is in danger from an extraterrestrial bug species that almost obliterated all of humanity.  After being staved off, the buggers remained in hiding on their homeworld for 50 years.  Fearing another attack, Earth’s greatest minds plan to take the fight to the enemies homeland.  There is only one problem; all of our military tacticians are dumb as hell.  Earth’s greatest strategic minds have no idea how to take on these hive minded insects, so they scour the globe for the greatest resource we posses, children. 

Now that's what I'm talking about 

What I find baffling is the fact that the military has defeated the buggers once before, discovered a critical weakness, and even with all of their military expertise, still can’t figure out a way to execute an attack.  Don’t these commanders train for years and years, and have tons of experience dealing with this kind of thing.  There are even survivors from the first attack still kicking around.  Wouldn’t they have a better chance than some kid with almost no experience?  Fuck logic though

The army takes the gifted children and places them in a training facility to learn to hone their skills and become future commanders.  Did I mention this training facility was co-ed?  They’ve gathered a bunch of young boys and girls just entering puberty and housed them together, what could go wrong?  I know I’m no genius but when I was 12, I was too busy masturbating to focus on any kind of strategy.  If I was in a co-ed dorm there would be very little studying and a lot of me creeping bitches out #realtalk. 

Ender Wiggin, a particularly gifted boy (he must be as we’re constantly reminded by Harrison) quickly ascends the ranks and asserts himself as the undisputed leader.  Actually a couple kids tried to dispute it, but they got fucked up.

After rigorous training (seemed like about 4-6 months max as nobody ages) the children should be ready to launch the ultimate assault, the future of mankind at stake.  Hopefully they can keep their minds off of each other and on the mission at hand.

My Take

This movie had a ton of flaws and was doomed from the get go.  First off, the story demands graphic violence between children, which I’m pretty sure is illegal to show in movies.  A story like this is generally better left to the imagination.

Like most movies starting children, the acting is questionable.  The character development in this movie is pretty much shit.  Ender is a cold, calculating genius.  What usually accompanies these traits?  Psychopathology comes to mind.  Other than Ender himself, none of the other characters really get much development.  For Ender’s chums we have the usual stereotypes; the bully, the weakling, the black kid and the girl.  We are also blessed with a very diverse group of authority figures including the strict teacher, the empathetic teacher, the overly confident teacher and ShoutyBlacky.

To prepare for the role, he ate Idris Elba

I guess for the sake of time management and to focus on Ender, they had to simplify characters like Bonso and Bean into one word descriptors like nerd and bully.

I never read the book, but I have a feeling most readers would agree with me that the movie is a very dumbed down version of the book.  It is basically shoved down our throats how brilliant and tactical Ender is.  The kid can’t go to the bathroom without Harrison Ford commenting on his strategic genius.

He has a powerful stream, perfect for getting the most piss out in the least amount of time.  He's a tactical genius

 If Colonel Graff (Ford) spent less time pleasuring himself to Ender’s tactical brilliance (which is usually pretty close to common sense) and more time figuring out how to defend earth, maybe we wouldn't need to recruit kids to lead our assault.  

The Verdict

The story had potential, and the beautiful CGI tried it’s best to bring the story to life, but shitty screenwriting, underdeveloped characters and a couple plot holes made for a very underwhelming film.  Apparently the book took place over like 8 years or something, the movie covered at most a year, that is what I mean by “a couple plot holes.”

6.2/10