Oldboy (2013)

Oldboy (2013)

*CONTAINS SPOILERS*

I don't know why, but today I am reviewing Oldboy.  It's pretty safe to say I would never have watched this movie without the help of my good friend Jon Kenny! who has been talking about watching it with me for months.  Seriously he would not shut the fuck up about it, so recently  went over to Jon's house and decided to give the kid a chance.  I survived my visit, which is always a concern in the back of my mind when I hang out with that guy.

His dead eyes are a window to the blackness of his soul

The Plot

Joe Doucette is an asshole. He lives his life in true scum-lord style; alcoholic, cheating, abusive, childmolester (ok so that last thing was not true, but I wouldn't put it past him).  He has a daughter, proving that somebody made the mistake of trying to love him once, or he raped her.  Either way he's reproduced, making his behaviour even more reprehensible.  While on a bender, he is kidnapped and locked in a small, hotel style room.  His captors keep him well fed, with mickys of alcohol accompanying each meal.  He is also allowed access to basic cable, so he can keep up to date with the latest news stories, and masturbate to women exercising.

Through the news, he learns that his wife was murdered, and that he is the main suspect.  DNA evidence found at the scene proves without a doubt that he is the murderer.  (His captors framed him).

Joe stays in the room for twenty years.  Through the hard years, he's kicked his alcohol habit and started a rigorous training regiment inspired by Bruce Lee and Jillian Michaels.  He has also been digging his way to freedom, but before he is able to make his great escape, he gassed unconscious.

Joe wakes up in a suit case in the middle of a field.  Will he use his new found freedom to seek out his now grown up daughter and explain the truth of what happened?  Naw he's a piece of shit remember, he's going to try find out who kidnapped him first.

My Take

I realise this is a remake of an Asian film, but I'm reviewing it as a stand alone movie because who gives a fuck.  Let's start with the positives, there are some awesome fight scenes.  He straight up beats the hell out of countless thugs.  These scenes demand that you suspend your disbelief and just enjoy the brutal violence.  We all know that no matter how tough you are, you can't beat up 40 hardened thugs at once.  Luckily for Joe, the badguys abide by the bad guy code and only attack one at a time, only use their firearms as melee weapons, never strike from behind and only require one punch do defeat.

"Should we shoot him?  Naw just run at him with your gun raised!"

I was also very impressed by Joe's body transformation during his twenty year imprisonment.  He gained a remarkable amount of muscle towards the end and got TIGHT.  Proof that bodyweight exercises, household items and gymnastics are key to a buff bod eh hunks?

And of course steroids

*SPOILER*  Tiny spoiler but I hated the "surprise" ending.  Well not so much the ending, but the villain's motives behind his "Master Plan."  Seems a bit extreme to punish Joe to such an extreme, for something he barely played a part in.  Normally I love Sharlto Copely, but I disliked him in this film.  He played his role alright, but his character was just an underwhelming villain.  Psychotic sure, but more like a harmless nitwit than an evil mastermind.

Verdict

I was preparing myself for the worst, but in all honesty it wasn't entirely bad.  Not a great film by any stretch, but definitely watchable.  I guess Jon was right on this one, but I won't let him win the argument regarding John Carter.  I'll never watch that movie, guaranteed.  Until next time

6.1/10

300: Rise of an Empire (2014)

300: Rise of an Empire (2014)

Warning may contain SPOILERS.  But in all honesty the majority of the plot is basically irrelevant.  Nobody is going to see this movie for the depth and storytelling, they want to see abs and mud, stabs and blood.  We love seeing inexplicably superior Greek warriors cutting incompetent Persian bums to pieces.  You got it.

The Plot

Like I said before, not much going on here.  It occurs simultaneously with, and after the events of 300.  The story follows the Athenians (You may remember them from the first film, I believe Leonidas referred to them as boy lovers), brave Spartan like warriors who are also looking to defend their land from the tyrant Godking Xerxes.  While the Spartans specialise in melee combat by working as a single impenetrable unit, the Athenians prefer naval combat.  Lead by war hero Themistokles (he killed the king of the Persians many years ago that lead to Xerxes taking over), the Athenians head to Sparta to borrow some ships to meet the Persian assault head on.

He's no Leonidas, but I guess he'll do

Queen Gorgo graciously declines.  This is right about the time that Leonidas is off watching the Oracle do her sacred pole dance.  Without the help of the Spartans, the Athenians are greatly outnumbered by Persians (sound familiar).  Once again, bravery beats out logic and Themistokles leads an assault despite the odds.  His opposing general, the gorgeous and cruel Artemisia is all but assured her victory.  She has more ships, all of which are bigger and better than the Greek ships, and she has all of the greatest naval minds Persia has to offer at her disposal.

Plus she's hot as fuck, so that's got to count for something right

Can Themistikoles and his Athenians brave possibly overcome the odds and defeat the mighty Persians?

My Take

If you liked 300 you'll like this, no doubt about it.  However, I will say it doesn't quite measure up to the first in several categories, star power being one of them.  The best parts of this movie are when you catch brief glimpses of Leonidas smirking and you get to remember how much of a badass he is.  Don't get me wrong, Themistokles is badass too, but he can't fuck with Leonidas.  Also this movie doesn't quite live up to the homoerotic hype of the first one.  Every one of the Spartans war plans involved "taking the enemy in the rear while they are unaware".  They also talked about penetration a lot, and how impenetrable their unit was, almost daring someone to try to penetrate it.  So if you were into 300 for that reason you may be disappointed, though I know I heard the term boy lover at least once in this film.

"Ya erm, those Athenians are a bunch of boy lovers..."

The naval combat was a nice addition to the series, and blue of the sea and the Athenians navy cloaks were a stark contrast to the tan desert and red cloaks of the first.  This film had a great blend of battles both at sea and on land so if you prefer one to the other, you'll still be satisfied.

I liked that the film chronicled how young prince Xerxes became a mad God King.  It fills in the story, which I guess is a necessity, though it does eliminates some of the mystery surrounding the bronze giant.  It also allows you to empathize with him, which adds depth to his character, makes him seem more human.

Anybody with this many piercings has the personality of a gnat

One of my few complains is the lack of grotesque monsters.  300 had tons of abominations, the sequel not so much.  I mean come on, The Persians need some kind of advantage.  They are the shittiest warriors.  They consistently run at the Athenians with their heads down and arms back, perfect form for say, getting stabbed.  Did they even train as soldiers?  I'm pretty sure I have yet to see a "good guy" get cut down by a "bad guy" who wasn't a General or something.  Beyond their leaders, the Persian army is essentially just blood bags.  Frankly I'm amazed they were able to conquer anybody.

The Verdict

It was good.  Not ground breaking, or even as good as the original (which, to be fair was unreal), but still very much worth watching.  The relationship between Themistokles and his rival Artemisia is interesting to say the least.  This film will entertain you, 'nuff said.

7.5/10    

Star Trek: Into Darkness (2013)

Star Trek: Into Darkness (2013)

This week I’m reviewing Star Trek: Into Darkness.  I saw it in theaters not too long ago, so I was surprised to find that it’s already on Netflix.  They don’t even have American Horror Story yet but they managed to get this up quickly enough.  I thought this Into Darkness was really good after I saw it in theaters, but after reading a couple negative criticisms, mainly for lack of depth and straying too far from the original, I decided to watch it again to see if maybe I was tricked by the beautiful CG and gratuitous action.  For the record I am reviewing this title as a film fan only, not a Butthurt Trekkie.  Mostly because I am younger and the Star Trek I grew up with involved Professor X so my opinions on all things Star Trek are invalid.

Set phasers to stun!

The Plot

After a botched mission on a planet populated by an undeveloped culture, Kirk fucks up, kind of.  Using his gut feeling (which as far as I can tell is all that makes his special), Kirk exposes the Enterprise to the tribe of aliens to save Spock’s life.  I use the term life loosely as he looks and acts like a robot, but we’re constantly reminded he is not only a Vulcan, but half human as well, meaning his empathetic side will be integral to the plot later on.  Anyway, after risking his life to save a comrade, Kirk is stripped of his captaincy and must serve as First Officer of his own ship.  I guess they never heard of no man left behind.

After a terrorist attack on a Starfleet installation an emergency meeting is called, gathering all of Starfleets’s brightest minds in one wide open, unprotected room.  Predictably, the attack on the installation was implemented to facilitate this very meeting.  The counsel room comes under fire and many Starfleet officers perish in the attack.  In the most Captain Kirk way imaginable (by throwing a gun rather than firing it), he manages to take down the attacking gunship, even catching a glimpse of the assailant before he vanishes.

The terrorist is identified as John Harrison, who using alien technology, was able to teleport away from the attack to the one place he knows Starfleet can’t come after him, Kronos.  Kronos is a Klingon planet.  Starfleet and the Klingons have an agreement that basically says, you stay away and we’ll forget about you, but if you come close to our planet we’ll fuck you up.

Shortly after, Kirk is reinstated as captain of the Enterprise and assigned to the capture of Harrison in a Black Ops type of mission.  Exciting!

My Take

The risk you run when remaking a classic franchise is pissing off the fans of the original.  For this reason, Star Trek: Into Darkness has gotten mixed reviews.  Generally the average film viewer really liked it, while Star Trek fans that are loyal to the original (Trekkies) were a little bit more standoffish.  I read several reviews giving 1 or 2 out of 10, claiming the movie is a mess, which I think is a little bit misguided and inaccurate.
First off, as I’ve said before, there are very few movies that actually deserve a 1/10 rating.  For me a 1/10 is a film starring action figures where you can still see the people’s hands moving them around.  This movie is shot using a potato, with a sock wrapped around it for a filter, and a Coleman lamp for lighting.  The only live action actor is Hayden Christianson and he plays a girl.  That is a one 1/10, not Star Trek.  Giving Into Darkness 1/10 is an indication of a biased reviewer.  You wouldn’t take Hitler’s views on racism, why would you take a loyalist Trekkie’s take on the remake of their beloved classic franchise.  Times have changed, CG has gotten better.  Granted the fight scenes don’t quite measure up to the original

First you want to kill me, now you want to kiss me

The main criticism I’ve read is that Into Darkness is too action based and not intellectual/political enough.  I can accept that, as I would have loved to learn more about the Klingons, whose apparent only purpose in this film is to get their asses beat.  However you can’t complain about too much action in a fantasy/action movie.  If anything Trekkie’s should be praising this new movie.  Star Trek is cool and sexy now!!!  God forbid a Trekkie gets laid every once in a while.

Come hither Lover

Personally I hated the Uhura/Spock love thing.  I wish they would focus more on Kirks womanizing and less on a forced love affair between two robots.  Seriously Kirk will fuck anything.  And what is the policy on getting freaky with aliens anyway?  I guess society in the future (that’s when Star Trek takes place right?) is more accepting of carnal relations between different species than it is today.  Sure the aliens are all hot, but I would expect there would be some kind of law against that sort of thing.  White people killed off tons of Native Americans with their diseases back in the day, and we are all the same species.  One can only imagine the kind of diseases we could get from one of these...

Uhh, I think I'm with Kirk on this one

The Verdict

Shut up about ruining the franchise.  Have you guys seen Eragon?  Or Ender’s Game?  Spiderman 3?  These are franchise killers.  I thought Into Darkness was very well done.  All actors turned in good performances, the CGI was spectacular and the story was good (though not great).  Again would have liked to explore the Earth vs. Kronos rivalry but here’s hoping for a sequel.

8.2/10

Filth (2013)

Filth (2013)

 

 Let me start out by saying Filth is an incredibly good movie. It is shot in the style of a Guy Ritchie film, but manages to keep it fresh and entertaining. James MacAvoy does a great job portraying our hero, the drug addled Detective Bruce Robertson. Do yourself a favour and watch the trailer, which in itself is a work of art. On a personal level, I loved this movie, but I won't let that slant my unbiased analysis. Wait ya i will.
The Plot Detective Bruce Robertson is a Scottish policeman whose marriage hinges on a promotion. All that stands in his way are his fellow detectives whom he must beat out for the job. Robertson spends more time discovering and exploiting his co-workers weaknesses than fighting actual crime, which tells you all you need to know about our hero. Though he's a manipulative, insensitive scumbag, he still manages to be a compelling protagonist in ways that are hard to explain, though he is a tad difficult to relate to. Bruce struggles through addiction and various other trauatic mental roadblocks as he cuts as many throats as need be to earn his promotion and win back his beautiful wife. Unfortunately, as he draws closer to his promotion, he drifts farther and farther from his sanity. He's going down in flames and plans to drag everyone down with him.



My Take
Filth is a shocking rollercoaster through sex, drugs and insanity. Considering most people probably haven't heard of it, I sure as hell hadn't, it is an unexpected cinematic gem. The characters are excellent, the acting is good, and the soundtrack is inspiring. Detective Bruce Robertson's downward spiral is just entertaining.

Usually I like to make fun of movies, but in this case, I just want people to know how awesome this one is.
The Verdict
Facking watch it!
8.2/10