Texas Chainsaw 3D (2013)

Texas Chainsaw 3D (2013)

I hated this movie so much after I first saw it.  I decided to give it another shot and realized it wasn’t as bad as I had originally thought.  I was so pissed off after the shitty ending that I forgot about some of the films positives.  There aren’t a lot of positives, but I wouldn’t say that it’s a complete waste of time.  Unfortunately it doesn’t live up to the other Chainsaw Massacre movies, not even close.  Those films contain character development, compelling protagonists and an overall sense of compassion for the kids, and a hatred for Leatherface and his fucked up family.  For these reasons I’ve decided to try and review this as a stand alone movie.

The Plot

Heather has been living a lie.  Her “parents” let her grow into an adult without telling her that she was adopted.  This is revealed to her when a letter arrives from Texas, informing her of her grandmothers death.  “But I don’t have a grandmother in Texas?”  Well ya do kid.  Heather and her three friends decide to travel down to claim her inheritance; little did she expect that she would be receiving a giant house.  Along the way, the crew picks up a hitchhiker, which is obviously gonna be bad news.  Now the crew sits at five, the perfect roster for a slasher movie.  Heather’s diverse group of friends include; the black guy, the hot chick, the scumbag drifter, and the gay dude whose so far in the closet he’s chilling with R.Kelly.

Where the pussy at?

And that’s basically all we ever learn about them.  After seeing the house for the first time, the crew decides to head out for some supplies, as they want to party in their new pad, like you do.  They decide to do the smart thing and leave the drifter, who they’ve known for less than a day, behind to look after the house. 

Come on guys, we can trust Darryl, look how hot he is!

Obviously Darryl starts sacking the place as soon as the others leave.  He is very surprised by how well furnished the house is, including expensive silverware, candle sticks, old lady jewelry, and a chainsaw wielding mass murderer locked in the basement!  When the others return, they are mildly upset that Darryl turned out to be a flake, but fuck, why let that ruin a good party?  It’s not until the chainsaw wielding maniac starts killing everybody else that the gravity of the situation begins to sink in.  Now we’re about half an hour into this movie and all of Heather’s friends are dead.  That’s where this movie starts to go to shit.  Heather finds out that her grandmother’s family “The Sawyers” and the rest of the town had a little falling out years ago.  Heathers cousin, the monster with a chainsaw, killed a bunch of innocent people, so the townsfolk, led by Mayor Hartman, rounded up a posse and burned their house to the ground.  Seems reasonable considering the Sawyers were armed and harbouring a known serial killer.  Now Heather is torn; should she side with her last remaining family, the chainsaw wielding brute who literally just killed all of her friends and tons of other innocent people in the past, or the side of justice?  Which one will she choose?

My Take

The intro scene where Leatherface kills all of those innocents felt unnecessary (apparently it's an homage to the original).  All you have to do is show us what he looks like and we’ll know that he’s bad news.  He wears a woman’s face as a mask for fuck sake.    

He probably just has self esteem issues

This film doesn’t have the same feel as the other Chainsaw Massacre movies, in fact it feels more like the Wrong Turn franchise, which isn’t exactly what you want.  **SPOILERS**.  The reason I hated this movie so much was the ending.  When Heather finds out that the villagers torched her real family, as evil and fucked as they were, she gets pissed and immediately affiliates herself with the Sawyer family.  Need I remind you she know nothing about any Sawyers or even that she belonged to this family merely 24 hours ago.  The film develops a weird kind of Sawyer vs. Hartman family feud that is truly cringe worthy and uncomfortable.    

Towards the end of the film Heather finds Leatherface in a position of weakness, about to be finished off by Mayor Hartman and what does she do?  She slides him his fucking chainsaw and says “Do your thing Cuz!”  Are you fucking kidding me?  She literally went from an ordinary girl with some nice friends to a completely crazy bitch in less than a day.  This fucker killed all of your friends, and is really the reason that your family was wiped out.  Now you’re saving him and talking to him like you guys are god damn Sam and Dean Winchester!  Ughh.  Granted, Leatherface did kind of save Heather’s life at one point earlier in the film, but only after he almost kills her in cold blood.  Besides, Heather didn’t really need to be in that position in the first place.  If she would have just went by the book and got a lawyer, she would have been on her way back home, a few friends short but alive instead of chained up in a slaughterhouse.  Nope, just adopt this Sawyer identity you had no idea about 24 hours ago and join the population of crazy town.

The Verdict

Based on the first twenty minutes, the film had potential to be a mediocre horror thriller.  The second half of the movie was different, but definitely didn’t improve the film.  I absolutely hated the idea of Sawyer vs. Hartman.  I hope that Heather enjoys the rest of her life, which I’m assuming she’ll have to spend living with Leatherface, what a treat.  Questions; will the remaining villagers want to make another mob because their beloved Mayor Hartman was killed?  Also almost all of the cops in the town were killed in this incident, won’t anybody care what happened to them?  People who remembered Heather and knew her three friends back home will wonder where they all wandered off to won’t they?  Won’t somebody come looking for them?  Are Heather and Leatherface going to team up to kill all of her old friends families when they inevitably come looking for them?  Fuck it, roll the credits.

5.1/10