Iron Man 3 (2013)

Iron Man 3 (2013)

Iron Man 3 is a rather controversial film.  There is a general consensus that it’s not quite as good as the first but far better than the second.  This is where the agreement ends. It has received both scathingly negative and glowingly positive reviews from critics.  I’m going to try and get to the bottom of this film and give it the most honest and unpretentious rating I can muster.

The Plot *spoilers

Robert Downey Jr. reprises his role as billionaire playboy Tony Stark in the third installment of the popular Iron Man franchise.  The witty, if somewhat arrogant superhero is still dealing with the aftermath of the alien attack on New York (as seen in the ultra-popular super film The Avengers).  Despite his crumbling emotional state, life goes on, and terrorism never rests.  America is under a new threat.  There have been several attacks from and infamous and mysterious man known as The Mandarin.  A recurring trend in these attacks is the presence of a veteran soldier and a fiery explosion. 

Stark is distant and withdrawn, even from his girlfriend Pepper Pots (Gwyneth Paltrow).  He would rather spend the majority of his time tinkering with new suits in his basement than deal with his anxiety disorder and post-traumatic stress.  His sidekick Colonel Rhodes (Don Cheadle) has taken on a new identity as The Iron Patriot.  He is basically the president’s own Iron Man bodyguard. 

Meanwhile at work, an old acquaintance named Aldrich Killian (Guy Pearce) has resurfaced, and hopes to form a partnership with Stark Enterprise.  He shows Pepper a fancy 3D map of his own brain and explains his business model.  Pepper snubs him, though compliments him for no longer being a crippled, greasy loser like he used to be.

Don't you want somebody to love?

Aldrich, who was already snubbed by Stark years ago, is visibly frustrated.  He leaves with his bizarre crony who was drawing some attention in the waiting room.  In case you’ve forgotten about Happy, he is Stark’s bodyguard and runs security at Stark Enterprise.  He is a little overzealous in his security detail, and decides to tail the crony.  Unfortunately he stumbles right into the middle of one of The Mandarin’s terrorist plots.  After a brief struggle, Happy is knocked out and left to be devoured by the explosion.  He survives, but is in a coma.  Stark is pissed and issues a threat to The Mandarin, giving away his own home address in hopes of provoking an attack.  He gets what he asked for, but after a couple of war helicopters destroy his property, the unprepared Tony Stark is almost killed.  His severely damaged suit reacts and launches him hundreds of miles away into a forest, (coincidentally near one of the cities where there was a suspicious fiery explosion involving a soldier).  While the world believes he was killed in the attack, Stark attempts to get to the bottom of The Mandarins Plot while still dealing with his undiagnosed mental illnesses.  With the help of a little boy, he is able to rebuild his suit, and learn that Killian’s business is backing The Mandarin terrorist plot.  Oh my!

My Take

This film shows us a new dimension of Tony Stark.  In the previous two Iron Man movies and The Avengers, Stark is shown to be a witty, overconfident man who’s mouth does the talking and advanced battle armor does the walking.  In Iron Man 3, however, Stark spends the majority of the film outside of his suit.  This coupled with his mental and emotional suffering shows us that he is far more vulnerable than he lets on.  People didn’t like this, complaining that there isn’t enough action.  Do you want this series to progress in any capacity or do you want to see the same shit over and over again?  If so than just watch the first Iron Man on repeat and you’ll never be disappointed.  Obviously any normal human would be in shock after the events that Stark has been through, the fact that he is showing his weaknesses reminds us that he is still only human. 

Stark is continuing to improve on his unbelievable and incredible (but mostly unbelievable) technology that has made him a crime fighting badass.  In his basement lie anywhere from 40 to 50 Iron Man suits that he has been modifying and putting party hats on during his sleepless nights, though they seem to be a lot less durable than I remember.  This movie gives us more of what we love about the Iron Man franchise.  It’s funny, it’s got action, it has a decent story, but mostly it has Tony Stark.  Downey Jr. is just as enjoyable to watch outside of the suit as he is in it, proving he is more than just a “man in a can”.  The Iron Man franchise is the benchmark for Marvel Superhero movies and I hope that they can step up their game with the new wave of sequels coming out. 

There are a couple problems with this movie.  Marvel as a whole always seems to have the same problem; a shitty villain.  Loki was ok, though he was laughably outmatched in both movies where he was the main villain.  Other than him we have; Whiplash, Obadiah Stane, Redskull, Lizardman, and were there even bad guys in The Hulk movies?  Anyway all of them were kind of… well shitty.  The Dark Knight is basically the only current superhero franchise to have a reputable villain.  Christopher Nolan brought two iconic comic book characters, The Joker and Bane, to life in unique and very impressive ways.  These two villains left a lasting impression on the audience and even might have had some of us cheering them on at certain points.  They seemed to outmatch the hero, and provided a real sense of dread.  You can’t really say that about any of the Marvel villains,  though you might have felt sorry for Loki when he got thrashed by The Hulk.

Aldrich Killian (despite the many trailers that suggest otherwise) is the main villain in in Iron Man 3 and he is as plain as they come.  A rich businessman whose company creates some kind of potion to make him a superhuman is so cliché.  Driven by greed and maybe a little vengeance he wants to own the war on terror.  We get it, Tony was a dick to you, but come on, you can regrow limbs, do you really need to start WW3 to make your point?

The main reason this film took so much heat was the abuse of the beloved super villain The Mandarin.  Nerds from all around got hard at the idea of finally having a worthy opponent for Iron Man to face off against.  They were sadly disappointed as “The Mandarin” turns out to be nothing more than a face to put to the terrorism.

A drugged up, drunken Ben Kingsly face

 I thought his character reveal was hilarious and worked well, but fans loyal to the comics saw it as utter blasphemy, and it wouldn’t surprise me if this world is short a couple comic book geeks because they were so haunted by what they saw.  For all of those people bitching about the lack of action, how did you feel when Tony had Jarvis activate the “House Party Protocol”?  When I saw the FLEET of Iron Man suits form up, ready to kick some ass, my dick grew two inches!  Those retarded lava people, or whatever Killian was making didn’t stand a chance.

The Verdict

As much as I was hoping to see some kind of Avengers cross over, (even just a little one I’m not being picky) I have to say I thoroughly enjoyed this movie.

Though this would have been immensely better

Stark, (I can’t believe I’ve mentioned that name so much without even one GOT reference) though mainly suit less and under mental duress, still manages to kick ass in this third and possibly final installment.  Not sure but the ending suggested Tony will be a different kind of hero in the films to come.  I’m excited to see what Marvel puts out this year. 

8/10

Texas Chainsaw 3D (2013)

Texas Chainsaw 3D (2013)

I hated this movie so much after I first saw it.  I decided to give it another shot and realized it wasn’t as bad as I had originally thought.  I was so pissed off after the shitty ending that I forgot about some of the films positives.  There aren’t a lot of positives, but I wouldn’t say that it’s a complete waste of time.  Unfortunately it doesn’t live up to the other Chainsaw Massacre movies, not even close.  Those films contain character development, compelling protagonists and an overall sense of compassion for the kids, and a hatred for Leatherface and his fucked up family.  For these reasons I’ve decided to try and review this as a stand alone movie.

The Plot

Heather has been living a lie.  Her “parents” let her grow into an adult without telling her that she was adopted.  This is revealed to her when a letter arrives from Texas, informing her of her grandmothers death.  “But I don’t have a grandmother in Texas?”  Well ya do kid.  Heather and her three friends decide to travel down to claim her inheritance; little did she expect that she would be receiving a giant house.  Along the way, the crew picks up a hitchhiker, which is obviously gonna be bad news.  Now the crew sits at five, the perfect roster for a slasher movie.  Heather’s diverse group of friends include; the black guy, the hot chick, the scumbag drifter, and the gay dude whose so far in the closet he’s chilling with R.Kelly.

Where the pussy at?

And that’s basically all we ever learn about them.  After seeing the house for the first time, the crew decides to head out for some supplies, as they want to party in their new pad, like you do.  They decide to do the smart thing and leave the drifter, who they’ve known for less than a day, behind to look after the house. 

Come on guys, we can trust Darryl, look how hot he is!

Obviously Darryl starts sacking the place as soon as the others leave.  He is very surprised by how well furnished the house is, including expensive silverware, candle sticks, old lady jewelry, and a chainsaw wielding mass murderer locked in the basement!  When the others return, they are mildly upset that Darryl turned out to be a flake, but fuck, why let that ruin a good party?  It’s not until the chainsaw wielding maniac starts killing everybody else that the gravity of the situation begins to sink in.  Now we’re about half an hour into this movie and all of Heather’s friends are dead.  That’s where this movie starts to go to shit.  Heather finds out that her grandmother’s family “The Sawyers” and the rest of the town had a little falling out years ago.  Heathers cousin, the monster with a chainsaw, killed a bunch of innocent people, so the townsfolk, led by Mayor Hartman, rounded up a posse and burned their house to the ground.  Seems reasonable considering the Sawyers were armed and harbouring a known serial killer.  Now Heather is torn; should she side with her last remaining family, the chainsaw wielding brute who literally just killed all of her friends and tons of other innocent people in the past, or the side of justice?  Which one will she choose?

My Take

The intro scene where Leatherface kills all of those innocents felt unnecessary (apparently it's an homage to the original).  All you have to do is show us what he looks like and we’ll know that he’s bad news.  He wears a woman’s face as a mask for fuck sake.    

He probably just has self esteem issues

This film doesn’t have the same feel as the other Chainsaw Massacre movies, in fact it feels more like the Wrong Turn franchise, which isn’t exactly what you want.  **SPOILERS**.  The reason I hated this movie so much was the ending.  When Heather finds out that the villagers torched her real family, as evil and fucked as they were, she gets pissed and immediately affiliates herself with the Sawyer family.  Need I remind you she know nothing about any Sawyers or even that she belonged to this family merely 24 hours ago.  The film develops a weird kind of Sawyer vs. Hartman family feud that is truly cringe worthy and uncomfortable.    

Towards the end of the film Heather finds Leatherface in a position of weakness, about to be finished off by Mayor Hartman and what does she do?  She slides him his fucking chainsaw and says “Do your thing Cuz!”  Are you fucking kidding me?  She literally went from an ordinary girl with some nice friends to a completely crazy bitch in less than a day.  This fucker killed all of your friends, and is really the reason that your family was wiped out.  Now you’re saving him and talking to him like you guys are god damn Sam and Dean Winchester!  Ughh.  Granted, Leatherface did kind of save Heather’s life at one point earlier in the film, but only after he almost kills her in cold blood.  Besides, Heather didn’t really need to be in that position in the first place.  If she would have just went by the book and got a lawyer, she would have been on her way back home, a few friends short but alive instead of chained up in a slaughterhouse.  Nope, just adopt this Sawyer identity you had no idea about 24 hours ago and join the population of crazy town.

The Verdict

Based on the first twenty minutes, the film had potential to be a mediocre horror thriller.  The second half of the movie was different, but definitely didn’t improve the film.  I absolutely hated the idea of Sawyer vs. Hartman.  I hope that Heather enjoys the rest of her life, which I’m assuming she’ll have to spend living with Leatherface, what a treat.  Questions; will the remaining villagers want to make another mob because their beloved Mayor Hartman was killed?  Also almost all of the cops in the town were killed in this incident, won’t anybody care what happened to them?  People who remembered Heather and knew her three friends back home will wonder where they all wandered off to won’t they?  Won’t somebody come looking for them?  Are Heather and Leatherface going to team up to kill all of her old friends families when they inevitably come looking for them?  Fuck it, roll the credits.

5.1/10

World War Z (2013)

World War Z (2013)

Right off the bat, I haven’t read the book.  A lot of the criticism this movie got was from fans of the book claiming the film didn’t stay true enough to the original story.  I confess, this pisses me off too, but I’m going to review this movie from a purely unbiased, non well read standpoint.

The Plot

Gerry Lane (Brad Pitt) is your typical waffle cooking stay at home dad with luscious long blonde locks.  He’s just trying to live his life with his beautiful family, but that wouldn’t make for a good film now would it?  Gerry and his wife Karin, (knock off Jessica Chastain) are taking their two daughters out for the day when suddenly they find themselves in the middle of a graphic zombie apocalypse.  The zombies don’t pull any punches, and are some of the most vicious undead I’ve ever seen on the big screen.  Gerry ain’t scared though, as he skillfully leads his family to safety.  Something tells me he does more than just flip waffles, duh!

Imma go medieval on these zombies

Our suspicions about Gerry are confirmed when the Deputy Secretary General speed dials him to come in and help what remains of the UN to get to the bottom of the outbreak. Turns out Gerry is a god damn UN Investigator, surprise surprise.  Gerry and the Deputy come to an agreement; Gerry will come out of retirement and investigate the origin of the outbreak if his family is taken care of for him while he’s gone.  Just like that our lovable, long haired hero is sent off to North Korea to aid a young disease specialist get to the bottom of the outbreak.  They are accompanied by some US marines, aka the expendables.

Immediately upon landing, they are attacked by savage zombies.  The specialist, aka the whole purpose of this plan, slips falls and shoots himself in the face…. Seriously.  So there goes that idea.  The trip is not a total waste, however, as Gerry discovers that there is, in fact, a 100% safe zone in Israel.  Jerusalem was the first to react to the virus, leading Gerbear to believe that to be the origin of the virus. 

Get this, the reason that Jerusalem was the first to react to the virus, Nazi Germany.  The Jews learned to never take any threat lightly, however unlikely it may be.  Hence, when they heard about a potential zombie outbreak they did the only rational thing they could think of, build a massive wall around the city.  Throughout his travels, Gerry learns much about the zombie outbreak, including what he believes to be a cure, but can he escape the increasingly dangerous situations he finds himself in?  Probably, he is Brad Pitt after all. 

My Take

This movie is somewhat different from many of the other zombie movies I have seen in recent years.  Sure it has the same basic run from zombies fight some zombies formula, but there is much more to this story than most zombie fans will be used to.  This film shows the zombie apocalypse on a global scale.  It depicts what the UN is able and willing to do in the case of a wide scale outbreak.  It is quite different than other zombie favourites like Dawn of The Dead, Shaun of The Dead, I am Legend, 28 Days later, in that they are all relatively local outbreaks.  They merely show us radio chatter and lead us to assume that all forms of government have collapsed.   World War Z shows us that the government will still have some form of semblance and be able to mount a plan of action.  They form up in a pretty bad ass battle ship fleet, which is one of my favorite scenes in the movie.  Some of the politics of this movie are very interesting.  Seeing how different nations, such as the US, North Korea and Israel, deal with the outbreak differently is thought provoking. 

The zombies in this movie originate from a strain of rabies.  They are fast and they are vicious and crazy as fuck.

Seriously they do some crazy shit

They don’t seem to eat their victims but rather bite to spread the disease or simply tear their victims to pieces.  They can be only be killed with headshots or burnt to a crisp, as is tradition.  They are portrayed via a blend of CG and excellent make up.  CG is used for the massive hordes while make up is reserved  for the more personal zombie encounters.  Both styles are terrifying, and the extras who played the real zombies did an excellent job of dehumanizing their movements.

The Verdict

This movie was very well done, in my opinion.  It didn’t drag, it didn’t bore and it offered a different perspective than most other zombie movies.  It contained a good blend of action and politics (not too much politics) to keep you entertained while still delivering some thought provoking content.  For originality, good CG and a suffocating sense of dread, I give this movie…

8.1/10

The Devil Inside (2012)

The Devil Inside (2012)

The Devil Inside is just one of a number of recent films that are taking advantage of the “found footage” style of shooting.  The Blair Witch Project successfully did it back in 1999, and Cannibal Holocaust did it even earlier (1980) but both of those films were ground breaking in both shooting style and storytelling.  A lot of people actually thought these films were real (The Devil Inside won’t be fooling anybody).  Paranormal Activity brought back this hand held shooting style in 2009 and since then a multitude of other directors have jumped on the bandwagon and adopted this style of filming. 

The way overused found film style of shooting is the first knock on The Devil Inside.  The second is the fact that it also hopped on a growingly unoriginal trend of possession movies.  This film had so many similarities to The Rite that after watching them both, I couldn’t even separate one from the other, except that one wasn’t a steaming pile of trash.  The Devil Inside has an unoriginal, boring and ultimately disappointing storyline.  The film itself has little to no merit, and I’m not even sure if it deserves to have a review written about it, but I’m bored as shit so I’ll do my best to convey my biased thoughts on the film.

The Plot

Basically one boring, somewhat sexy woman named Isabella Rossi wishes to find out the truth about her mother Maria who left when Isabella was a little girl.  Maria, it turns out, murdered three people and was sentenced to intense psychiatric evaluation.  The medical professionals decided, with good reason, that Maria was dangerously mentally ill and needed to be kept under constant surveillance and heavily drugged.  They proceed to move her to Rome for some reason.  Isabella, now all grown up, decides to visit her mother and see if she’s all better.  She also brings her friend, a filmmaker, to help her document the expedition.  After a brief, albeit creepy visit with Mommy, Isabella decides that her Mom is likely possessed.

Gee what gave it away?

Isabella enlists the help of two priests to assess her with her mother.  These priests do illegal exorcisms without the churches consent because fuck authority.  The priests decide to warm Isabella up to the idea of exorcism by taking her for sort of a “bring a dumb bitch to work” day.  The girl who the priests have scheduled an exorcism for is an impressive contortionist.  She deserves to be in a much better film than this.

Somebody read the Kama Sutra

The priests literally ask the demon politely to leave the girl’s body, and it does!  But not before threatening to suck the priest’s cocks, as of course is tradition in possession films.  Why do all demons have to be gay?  After this exorcism goes so smoothly, Isabella can’t fathom any way that her mother’s exorcism will go differently.  The film continues to go nowhere and takes a few confusing twists and turns, then ends abruptly.

My Take

  This film at least attempts incorporate a couple new and innovative ideas, and they all failed miserably.  They used what they referred to as a “Pupil cam” literally a camera that measures the possessed parties pupil dilation.  My problem with this was that the pupil cam was never centered directly on the eyes so the reading would be inaccurate right.  Stupid,pointless idea. 

The story line is extremely dull, and offered nothing we’ve never seen before.  The plot rehashed the same old, “she has a mental illness” says the authorities, “no she is possessed” says the priests.  It’s the same old gaff we’re used to.  The only time I actually felt any sense of fear was in the beginning when Isabella visits her mom in the mental hospital for the first time.  That was when I was still entertaining the idea that she was suffering from a severe mental illness, which would have been entirely more frightening and unpredictable.  Why can’t there be a movie where the “possessed party” is actually just a Paranoid Schizophrenic, or suffers from Dissociative Identity Disorder?  The idiotic priests can still kidnap them and perform an exorcism, which obviously won’t work, and they end up unleashing a complete psychopath upon the Vatican.  Possessions are fake and mental illness is real.  A movie portraying someone who is mentally ill and dangerous would be ten times as scary as any possession movie because it could happen to someone you know.   I’m more frightened of old people with dementia than anything I saw in this film.

The main priest looks like a twat and I assumed an immediate hatred towards him.  The second priest is somewhat likable, but unbelievable because of his medical background.  Who the fuck quits being a doctor to become a priest? 

For your health ya Dingus!

It’s retarded, and likely only included in the film to make it seem like the priests know what they are doing and aren’t just a couple of clueless dickheads.  Isabella is boring and the actress definitely slept with somebody to get this part.  None of the characters are compelling at all, and towards the end I gave approximately zero fucks about who lived and who died.  The only redeeming part of this movie is when one of the priests tries to drown a baby named John Thomas (British people refer to their dicks as John Thomas).  Freud would have a hayday psychoanalyzing that.

The Verdict

Watching this movie a second time really tested me, and I hated every minute of it.  It’s unfortunate because this movie has some similarities to another film that I really liked (The Last Exorcism).  Too many similarities in fact.  It was as though The last Exorcism and The Rite had a bastard baby, which they dropped on its head everyday for a couple months, than finally got around to naming it The Devil Inside.

3/10  

Pain and Gain (2013)

Pain and Gain (2013)

Pain and Gain is based on a true story, just try to remember that while you laugh your way through this ridiculous film.   Mark Wahlberg, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Anthony Mackie and Tony Shaloub star in this smash hit by director Michael Bay.  I applaud Bay for going light on the explosions and destruction in this film, and instead focusing on character development and comedy, though he did manage to squeeze at least one explosion in there fer da boys.

THE PLOT

Daniel Lugo (Wahlberg) is a simple man.  He believes in fitness and wants nothing more than to live life large.  He wants money to go with that rock hard body.  Unfortunately he is a complete meat head stuck in a dead end job as personal trainer with a criminal record.  Sick of being low man on the totem pole, he decides that if he can’t earn all that he wants, he’s going to have to take it by force.  The perfect target falls into his lap in the form of Victor Kershaw (Shaloub).  Kershaw is wealthy, greedy and a complete asshole, so you tend to find yourself not exactly feeling sorry for him.  Lugo enlists two of his fellow body builders; Adrian Doorball (Mackie) and the Paul Doyle (Johnson) to help him take down Kershaw.  They decide to kidnap Kershaw and force him to sign away all of his money to them, but things so sour when Kershaw is able to identify Lugo, even through his Ninja costume and thick Columbian accent.

Hola Amigos

Despite a few setbacks, the boys are able to forcibly take everything away from Kershaw, but now they have a problem. What are they going to do with Kershaw?  They devise a plan to make it look like Kershaw was killed in a drunk driving accident.  Obviously, being incompetent criminals, they botch the plan and Kershaw is able to escape, though he is pretty mangled.  Kershaw goes into hiding and hires a private detective to get to the bottom of the case, but ultimately they seem to have nothing.  The boys look like they are in the clear, only they burn through their money pretty fast, so they need to pull off another heist.  Will this one go as smoothly?  No, no it won’t.

My Take

This movie is so fucking funny that it’s hard to take it seriously as a “based on a true crime” story.  Ultimately the events that this film is based on are horrible and people’s lives were ruined, but for some reason I just can’t stop laughing through this film.  The character development is phenomenal.  Lugo is a classic meat head, who is a master manipulator and can easily influence his two sidekicks into following his hair brained plans.  Wahlberg, as always turns in an excellent performance.  Doorball is a roided out fitness buff who has injected himself to the point of impotence.  He also has a thing for heavyset white chicks.  By far and away the best character is Paul Doyle though.  Everything about The Rock’s character is god damn ridiculous.  He is an ex-con, former coke addict who turned to God in a time of need.  He also totes around a skateboard with no explanation whatsoever.  He looks like Hawaiian Hulk and everything he says and does is comedy gold. 

This is our dream team

Together, they make for a hilarious, though severely misguided trio.  Things, as they often do, go from bad to worse as they continuously make horrible decisions that lead them down a progressively more gruesome and illegal path.

The Verdict

Seeing The Rock get coked out and crazy is by itself worth watching this movie.  I might have even laughed harder the second time I watched it.  I would definitely rank this as one of the most enjoyable movies of 2013.  Just watch it, it will fill you with good feels and educate you on everything not to do with your life.

8.6/10

Now You See Me (2013)

Now You See Me (2013)

This movie had a lot of hype when it first came out.  The trailer said it all; three hot young magicians and Woody Harrelson use magic to rob a bank!  Shut up and take my money!  I did not end up going to this movie in theatres, in fact I didn’t even pay to see it, and boy am I glad that I didn’t.  This movie is a fun ride while you’re watching it but ultimately leaves you feeling insulted for about ten minutes afterwards, then you forget about it entirely.

There is little to no character development in this movie.  The four magicians are all shown to be doing their own acts separately.  They are marginally successful, and clearly talented, but not as famous or popular as they would like to be.  Each of the magicians can be summed up in a less than a sentence;  Jesse Eisenberg plays Danny Atlas (asshole), Woody Harrelson plays Merritt (old asshole) Isla Fisher plays Henley (female) and Dave Franco plays Jack Wilder (actually kind of cool and charming on the outside, asshole inside).

A hooded stranger unites them all, and leaves an anonymous set of instructions that he somehow knows they will follow without question.  All of a sudden it’s a year later and the four lowly magicians have united to wear tuxedoes and put on the single biggest act in magic history.  We learn nothing of their struggles or anything at all about their characters.  They simply continue to be one dimensional and for the most part, jerks.  Every time Jesse Eisenberg goes on one of his condescending monologues about looking closely and watching his hands I feel like I am supposed to be amazed and shocked that he can trick me so easily.

 Anyway the four magicians, who are so egotistical that they prefer to be referred to in biblical terms as the Four Horsemen, get right into the bank robbery (the main selling point in the trailer) within half an hour.  I thought this was supposed to be the apex of the movie?  I wish it was, this movie was way to god damn long, it really tested my infantile attention span.  I did find myself playing Candy Crush a couple times though, generally any time the horsemen were lecturing the audience about how sleight of hand works.

SPOILER ALERT: After successfully robbing the bank, the FBI is after the four horsemen.  The completely rational and intelligent Agent Rhodes (Mark Ruffalo) is constantly reminded how stupid and blundering he is by the illusive magicians as he attempts to do his job and get to the bottom of a bank robbery.  

Fuck my life

Frustrated, Rhodes enlists the help of celebrity magic debunker Thaddeus Bradley (Morgan “God” Freeman).  There is also a female Interpol agent who is flown in to assist Rhodes, but she is completely useless and hardly worth mentioning at all (maybe Rhodes wants to fuck her?).  Both Rhodes and Bradley attend the Four Horsemen’s shows and try to figure out how they are doing their tricks (most of which involve stealing money and getting away with it).  From my perspective, all of the magician’s tricks are easy to figure out, it’s all fucking CG.  I feel like the “Illusions” should at least look like they are real and make you forget that you are watching a big budget movie with computer techs editing in the illusions afterwards.  

Bradley, using only a cheap looking handy cam, figures out the horseman’s tricks basically the minute he sees them.  The only problem is that his explanations are even less believable than if you just believed in the god damn magic.  The secrets behind the tricks are so far fetched and unbelievable, you are guaranteed to be shocked by each one.  Shocked and cheated. 

The character that gets the most development and seems the most realistic is Rhodes, so most people who watch this movie will probably relate to him.  Like Rhodes, the audience will be constantly reminded how incompetent and moronic we must be by these cocky and impossibly talented, charming, young magicians.

All the magicians I've ever seen look more like this

 Seriously how old are these guys?  I’m almost 22 and all I can make disappear is hours of my life watching garbage like this film.  How are these kids even able to get into the casinos they are performing in, never mind pulling off heists.   

The ending is bad, but I won’t be the one to spoil it for you.  This movie had potential to be good, and there are certain people out there who will still enjoy it because they are distracted by the pretty magic, but I just can’t bring myself to say anything overly positive about this film.  Most of the actors are famous and recognisable (They were all pretty good at playing cocky assholes anyway), the cinematography was good, and there was clearly a lot of money funnelled into this movie.  For production value alone I am obligated to give this entirely forgettable movie…

5/10             

Insidious: Chapter 2 (2013

Insidious: Chapter 2 (2013)

I finally get to review a current movie.  I have to be a bit more careful writing this as to not give away too many spoilers.  I think this is the first horror movie I’ve seen in theatres since Sinister, so it was nice to get the authentic, terrifying experience that you can only get at the cinema.  My favorite part was how the girls sitting behind me talked nervously throughout the whole film, screamed at the scary parts, and then at the end, said it wasn’t that scary.  Bitches. 

Insidious: Chapter 2 (Which I will be henceforth referring to as Insidious 2) was again, written by Leigh Whannell and directed by James Wan.  The entire cast of Insidious returns in this surprisingly good sequel.

The Plot

Insidious 2 picks up right after the horrific events of the first film.  Dalton’s astral projection days seem to be behind him, the Lambert family is safe and everything is honky dory

Well, almost everything

While the police are investigating Elise Rainier’s death, the Lamberts are forced to move into Josh’s childhood home (you know, the place where he was haunted by that black witch for years and years).  In the new house, things are fine for about ten minutes, then Renai (Rose Byrne) and Josh’s mom Lorraine (Barbara Hershey) start seeing and hearing things again.  Dalton, who we were all hoping would just go the fuck to sleep like a normal kid, starts seeing dead people again.  They are all extremely freaked.  Worse still, there is something a little off about Josh (Patrick Wilson).

The bass in these Beats by Dre headphones will blow your mind!

Luckily Elise’s old friend Carl (Steve Coulter) arrives to help investigate the cause of the hauntings this time around.  He wears a trench coat, boasts a distractingly fake looking beard, and sports a pair of vicious sexual offender bifocal glasses, but other than that he’s pretty cool.  Things take a terrifying turn as Carl, Lorraine, Specs and Tucker (Elise’s loyal assistants) delve further into the case of the Bride in Black, who has been following Josh since he was a child.  Can they uncover the unsettling truth about this malevolent spirit before she tears the Lambert family apart?

My Take

While not quite as terrifying as the first of the franchise, Insidious 2 offers its fair share of scares, and is by no means a letdown.  I feel like Whannell really outdid himself writing this script.  It ties in beautifully with the first movie and features a very creepy backstory detailing the origin of the antagonist, The Bride in Black.  The subplot, in which Lorraine, Carl, Specs and Tucker investigate the origin of the Bride in Black is very suspenseful and intense.  These scenes offer tons of scares and are just plain disturbing.  The scenes taking place in the Further are also suspenseful, and resolve some questions left over from the first film.  Josh’s transformation throughout the film is simply terrifying.  Wilson turns in a strong performance portraying what turns out to be a rather complicated character. 

Similar to its predecessor, Insidious 2 contains a few boarder line cheesy scenes in the latter half of the film, but nothing as extreme as Darth Goatfeet from Insidious.  There were also a couple pieces of dialogue in this film that could be summed up as silly too, but they made me laugh so I can’t fault the writer for that.

The Verdict

I didn’t have high expectations for this film because honestly I didn’t see the need for a sequel.  Hollywood has a notorious track record for beating the dead horse and churning out sequels like sixteen year old chicks pop out kids (A-la Paranormal Activity/Saw).  I was so wrong.  This movie was about as good as an unplanned sequel to a horror movie can be.  Again I applaud Whannell’s storytelling and ability to make this sequel a relevant part of modern horror.  I know that I will be buying this movie when it comes out on DVD, it’s a necessary piece of any horror collection.

8.2/10         

Sinister (2012)

Sinister (2012)

       Sinister is written and directed by Scott Derrickson.  I went to it on opening night with my girlfriend, who spent the majority of the movie staring into my shoulder.  That’s loan money well spent ladies and gentlemen.

The Plot

                We are greeted by a chilling opening sequence showing a family being hung from a tree by what we can only assume is a ghost.  This scene sets the mood for the rest of the film.  It’s dark and gloomy and gives you an unshakable sense of foreboding.

                Ellison Oswalt (Ethan Hawke) is a former best selling true crime writer who is working on a new case.  The case he is working involves, you guessed it, the family found hanging by their necks from the tree in the backyard.  One interesting feature of the case is the fact that the youngest member of the family, a little girl, is reported as missing. He is a method writer, so he loves to get close to the scene of the crime.  Too close.  He decides, using his infinite horror movie wisdom, to move his family into the very house where the crime he is covering took place.  Proving that poor decision making is one of his more prominent traits, he also chooses not to inform his needlessly British wife (Juliet Rylance) of his decision to move the family into the scene of multiple grisly murders.

                It isn't long before Ellison finds a box of recordings while snooping in his attic.  The fact that the films he finds are recorded on reels doesn't bode well for anybody. 

Seriously is there anyway that these are good news?

                 It turns out that the films Ellison finds depict a series of violent family murders.  At first, Ellison believes the murders to be unrelated, but thanks to some help from Deputy So and So (James Ransone, not to be confused with James Handsome), he manages to find a link between the cases.  Each family lived in the house that the previous family had been butchered in.  In each case, one of the children winds up missing and is never found.  A disturbing trend in the films is a certain occult symbol that shows up all over the place.  According to specialist, the symbol is that of Bagul, or the eater of children.  Another one of those Pagan Gods you really have to scratch your head at.  Upon further inspection, some of the recordings reveal a tall dark stranger, who Ellison refers to as Mr. Boogie.

Mr Boogie is creepy as fuck

                After a couple days of research and exploring the house for more clues, Ellison starts seeing some terrifying shit around the house.  He is under enormous pressure to release another hit book, as to not be remembered as a one hit wonder, so he continues to pursue the truth.  Due to the mounting stress, but also coming agonizingly close to cracking the case, Ellison starts to spiral into an alcoholic depression and withdraws from his family, becoming completely obsessed with his work.  His wife Tracy, the accented voice of reason, suggests they leave the house and start fresh somewhere else.  Ellison manages to put down the bottle long enough to assure her that he is onto the biggest case of his life and that he is completely in control… he isn't.

My Take

                I really like the crime writer angle for a supernatural horror thriller.  The struggling writer who is willing to do anything to write another hit book is a nice motivation for the Ellison to continue to put his family in danger.  He is obviously not the kind of person to believe in a supernatural explanation for a crime, so the twists and turns of this plot really force him to change his whole perspective on everything.  The storytelling is chilling and there are tons of suspenseful and straight terrifying scenes to get your juices flowing.  The acting is spectacular, particularly from Hawke and Ransone, creating a compelling duo of characters that you want to see succeed.  Ransone provides a calming presence on screen and even a few laughs, making him an excellent supporting character.   I still don’t get why the wife needed to be British, but for some reason it irritated me throughout the film.  Each home movie Ellison watches is more horrifying than the last.  The one titled “Lawn Work” is especially disturbing.  Bagul is terrifying.  Derrickson does a good job of not over using Bagul, or showing him too much, (A-la Insidioius) preventing the audience to be comfortable with the main purveyor of terror.  Also the dead kids are a nice touch.  When a director is ballsy enough to shed children in a not so innocent light, it generally has a big pay off as we are all secretly scared of creepy kids.

Especially dead, creepy kids

The Verdict

                 I can’t find much I don’t like about this film.  The twist at the end is a tad predictable, but it successfully resolves the story and maintains the overall dark mood of the film.  The movie is not only scary while watching, but it’s creepy too, giving you the chills well after you leave the theatre.  It is a very well done horror/thriller that I can watch again and again. All these god damn excellent horror movies lately, I am excited to do a write up on one that I hate and tear it apart.

8.7/10

Insidious (2010)

Insidious (2010)

First off let me say that Insidious is one of the bloody scariest movies I have ever had the privilege of watching in theatres.  I liked it so much that I decided to go see it a second time later the next week, once I was able to resume sleeping with the lights off.  Insidious was written by Leigh Whannell, who also stars in the film as Specs; one of the comedic tech guys.  James Wan brought Whannell vision to life on the big screen.

The Plot

This film follows Josh and Renai Lambert as they start a cute little family together.  Renai (Rose Byrne) is a stay at home mom who is trying to make it as a musician while raising three small children.  By the sound of her piano playing and voice I would say she has her work cut out for her.  Her husband, Josh (Patrick Wilson) is a school teacher who must be committing some kind of tax fraud or selling meth to be able to support his family and put them up in such a beautiful home.  Anyway, one day little Dalton (Ty Simpkins) is playing superhero in the attic, when he falls down and hits his head.  When Josh and Renai put their clumsy little sweetheart to bed everything seems fine but *SPOILER* it's not.  Dalton doesn't wake up the next day.  The doctor explains that Dalton is in a coma, but cannot tell Josh and Renai much else.  He doesn't know what could be causing the coma because all of Dalton's vital signs are normal.  After a few days of tests, the Lambert's bring the newly comatose Dalton back home in his fancy new hospital bed.  This is when things start to get weird.  The house alarm goes off randomly in the night, Renai starts seeing people moving in the house, and there are strange voices coming through the baby moniter.  Things escalate to the point where Renai starts to believe the house is haunted.  Like any rational person who has seen enough horror movies, Renai insists that they move out immediately.  Josh, being the ever supportive husband, obliges his wife's request and finds a new house.  Bravo!  The new house, by the way, is far less creepy than their first.  Renai seems content and starts to feel safe again when it is suddenly made clear that whatever was in the first house has followed them to the second house.

Josh's mom refers Renai to an old friend who knows a thing or two about hauntings.  Enter The Ghostbusters Elise Rainier, a psychic medium, and her two Mormon looking cronies.  She looks around the place for a bit and confirms that the Lamberts are indeed experiencing a haunting, only it's not the house that is haunted, but their comatose son Dalton.  She explains the theory of Astralprojection, where Dalton leaves his physical body and travels about in astral form, like a spirit.  He believes he is dreaming, so he isn't afraid to explore.  Only problem is he travels too far and ends up in a nasty place called The Further, a kind of hang out for all things evil.  He becomes lost here and is unable to return to his body.  The empty body begins to attract several malevolent spirits and one vaguely familiar demon,

Hey I didn't know this was a Darth Maul origin story!?

 who attempts to gain entry to the body to presumably take control and fuck shit up.  Elise and Josh must team up to enter the further and bring Dalton's spirit back before Darth Maul the demon can gain access to little Dalton's body.

My Take

This movie is anything but a one dimensional horror flick as it blends slow building suspense, pop out scares and an excellent story line.  It has all the makings of a home run, so why wasn't it?

Lets start with the pros.  This movie absolutely scared the shit out of me, twice.  It goes from quiet creeping suspense to loud, booming sound effects that accompany vicious pop out scares.  Some of the scares take a second to register, but when they hit home it they are terrifying.  For once, a movie managed to bring a chilling story and effectively used pop out scares.  There is also minimal gore in this movie and it is relatively non violent, making the level of terror experienced in this film even more impressive.  The idea of travelling in Astral form while dreaming is something that I found to be deeply disturbing.  My dreams were plenty scary before, now this James Wan character has to come along and ruin the way I have nightmares.  I also liked the whole capture the demon on camera idea included in this film.  When Elise and Josh's mom reveal the photo's of young Josh being followed by the witch that haunted his childhood, I was genuinely disturbed.  There was also one scene that is burned into my nightmares.  You know when you wake up in the night and see a person standing in your room, but after a couple seconds of staring you realise its just a pair of sweats handing from your door?

I see this every fucking night

Now on to the bad, thankfully there isn't much wrong with this film.  The only problem I really have is in the latter part where Josh travels into The Further.  One of the best parts of this movie was the ominous nature of the demon.  We only ever caught brief glimpses of him, but we always knew he was there, watching.  The prosthetics and costume design of the demon are more impressive when he is always shrouded in darkness, he's way creepier that way.  All of this is wasted when we see a cheesy CG scene of the demon chasing Dalton down a hallway with it's stupid goat feet.  WHY?  I understand this film needs a climax, but there must have been a better way than this.  One scene separates this movie from being an all time great horror movie.  Wan did manage to salvage the ending though, which I believe to be quite good.

The Verdict

Don't let that one silly scene ruin this movie for you, I'm simply letting you know that it's there.  I implore you do disregard it when watching this movie to allow you to enjoy the rest of it.  Insidious is an excellent horror movie.  It had me on the edge of my seat literally the whole time.  It is best enjoyed on a big screen, in the dark, maybe in a house that you don't entirely trust.  The sheer brilliance of the storytelling allow this film to hold up and remain terrifying, even after you know where all the pop out scares are.  I firmly believe that if you can't appreciate this film as a horror great, you probably watched it under suboptimal conditions (in the day, cuddling your teddy or something).  Watch this movie and enjoy it god dammit, life is too short.

8.5/10  

   

                    

The Strangers (2008)

The Strangers (2008)

                This week I revisited an old favorite The Strangers, written and Directed by Bryan Bertino.  Re-watching this flick for the first time in a couple years, I was reminded why I liked it so much.  Even a couple problems I originally had with this film were cleared up.  I would put this movie in the Terror genre as it masterfully blends slow building suspense with sudden pop out scares. 

THE PLOT

                Young couple Kristen (Liv Tyler) and James (Scott Speedman) return to an isolated family summer home after attending a friend’s wedding.  Kristen is visibly cold and unaffectionate towards James, who himself appears to be in an utter funk.  We later learn that James decided to pop the big question to Kristen right after the wedding (a dick move if you ask me, talk about stealing your friends thunder).  Their emotional disconnection and James getting deep into a gallon of Blue Bell ice cream allow you to draw your own conclusion as to how that conversation ended.  The awkwardness builds as they enter the bedroom, where pre-emptively placed rose pedals are strewn all about.  Suddenly there is a knock on the door, which is odd considering it’s nearing 4 in the morning.  The strange young girl at the door asks for someone who is not home then promptly disappears into the night.  This will not be the last we see of her, she is one of the ‘Strangers’.  Later in the evening the strange girl returns with two masked compadres, who grow increasingly more violent in their attempts to get into the house.  Kristen finds objects in the house to be moved and her phone is missing, revealing the most terrifying thing imaginable in this situation.  The strangers have already found a way into the house.     

MY TAKE

The reason that I find this movie so terrifying is simply how grounded it is in reality.  There are no really unbelievable scenes in this film that the horror/terror genre is notorious for.  The characters react fairly normally to the circumstances they are presented with (I mean normally as in they aren’t doing anything that makes you stand up and yell “what the fuck are you doing!” at your TV).  They are terrified and simply want to survive to see daylight.  The ‘Strangers’ aren’t typical horror villains either, they are far stealthier than prototypical large goonish villains that so often appear in horror movies. There are several scenes where they simply appear in the background and disappear, which serve to remind us that they are always watching.  The strangers seem to prefer to play with their victims before they kill them, allowing the film to build agonizingly suspenseful scenes, then capitalize on them with selectively placed pop out scares.  Even more effective than the pop out scares are the occasional ones that let the suspense fizzle out, giving the audience a false sense of security.      

At first I couldn’t understand why Liv Tylers character is so wooden and unlikable.  It took about half of the movie before I started to warm up to her and care whether she lived or not.  So she doesn’t want to get married, she doesn’t have to be such a bitch about it.  After thinking about it though, I realised this is a clever way of showing Kristen’s character development as she learns, through facing the worst experience of her life, that she truly loves James.  In the end she still manages to garner some empathy from the audience. 

One of the other things that makes this movie stand out from other horror movies is the lack of expendable characters.  There are two main characters in this film and that’s it.  The next three most prominent characters are all villains.  The fact that the main characters are the only ones in the house limits the amount of death and gore scenes that the audience would typically go into a movie like this expecting, but allows for more in depth character development by focusing exclusively on the two characters we have.  This tactic makes the audience become more emotionally invested in the characters and tricks us into caring about them.  I found that it really worked in this film and, again, it limited the amount of stupid, life threatening decisions the characters can make, giving us more grounds to relate to the characters and secretly hope for them to make it out alive.

The thing I like most about this movie is the slowly escalating sense of danger Kristen and James are presented with.  First there are noises outside the house, then some objects around the house get moved without their knowledge.  At one point early in the film, Kristen has the opportunity to call for help, but she wastes it by calling James to tell him how scared she is while he is out to buying cigarettes.

Bitch didn't even put the ice cream away

 Maybe calling the cops would be a bit extreme but after the phones go missing, that is no longer an option.  Suddenly the noises are coming from inside the house.  Kristen and James decide it is best to leave the house but they come to discover that their car is smashed, when only a few minutes prior, James took the car out to buy cigarettes.  The ‘strangers’ skillfully and slowly limit Kristen and James possible ways of escaping, like a python choking out a pig.  There lies the true horror of this movie.  So enjoy yourself next time you take a date out to your parent’s cabin for the night, and remember, if a stranger knocks, you should probably just turn out the lights and hide under the bed.

The Verdict

                Why this movie isn’t on everyone’s top scary movies list is beyond me.  I believe this film to be highly underrated for the quality of scares and sense of unease it delivers.  It even succeeds where most horror films fail, in that they didn’t fuck up the ending.  It’s no Titanic or Shawshank Redemption as far as writing, story and character development go, but it ultimately achieves what it set out to do, scare the shit out of people.  This flick is definitely worth a watch.

7.9/10    

The Loved Ones (2009)

The Loved Ones (2009)

                The Loved Ones is an Australian film written and directed by Sean Byrne.  It is yet another Netflix gem I found while slowly wasting my life online.  It follows high school burnout Brent (Xavier Samuel) who unfortunately rejects the wrong, emotionally damaged girls invite to prom.  This girl Lola (Robin McLeavy) takes the rejection very poorly and has her daddy (John Brumpton) kidnap Brent so they can have their own, private prom.  The events that follow are quite graphic and disturbing.  

THE PLOT

Brent, who is troubled because he killed his father in a motor vehicle accident is dealing with the tragedy in his own way, self medicating using copious amounts of weed and keeping his personal hygiene to a bare minimum.  Seriously this guy looks like possessed Regan from The Exorcist.  Anyway, he somehow manages to get a girlfriend named Holly who, if you can get past the colony of skittles sized moles, is still far out of his league.  Unfortunately the socially retarded Lola doesn’t understand what a relationship is, and proceeds to ask Brent to the upcoming school dance anyway.  I felt Brent was very gentle and tender in turning down Lola’s offer, and I actually felt bad for the both of them.

Oooh, right in the feels

Later that day, Brent heads off to his favorite hangout spot to take his mind off things and get high, unfortunately this is when Psycho Daddy enters the scene and subdues Brent using chloroform.  Brent wakes up tied to a chair, dressed rather dapper in a tux, but otherwise just fine.  Sitting around the dinner table with him are Lola, her dad (who is most definitely an incestual pedophile), and a lobodomy patient named Bright Eyes.  Together they are going to throw the most epic party! Right?  And from the practiced way that Daddy is conducting business, it is obvious that this type of party is nothing new to them.

MY TAKE

First of let me say that this film is a very entertaining take on the modern torture porn genre.  The performances turned in by Robin McLeavy and John Brumpton are very disturbing.  They achieve a level of creepy that there is no coming back from, although in several scenes I am ashamed to admit that Lola was kind of turning me on.  The special effects in this movie are quite good, and the main plot is brilliant.  Brent experiences several life changing moments in this film, and we get to see several sides of his character.  His nemesis, the lovely Lola, transforms from the poor, neglected sweetheart we see at school wearing a pink tee shirt with a unicorn on it to the twisted, sexually torturous monster she portrays later in the film. 

Say what again, I dare you, I double dare you motherfucker!

She is the epitome of today’s spoiled princess who gets whatever she wants.  Her Daddy, without the guidance of a strong woman, gives into his little angel’s every need, and is willing to sink to the lowest levels to get it, but one look at his weasely little smile tells us that he loves it.  The growing severity of Brent’s situation, coupled with sinister character reveals about Lola and Daddy create a tense atmosphere that successfully builds suspense and keeps you watching. 

An interesting aspect of this movie is an utter lack of dialogue from the main character.  Upon waking up in Lola’s house, Daddy sprays some kind of foam down Brent’s throat rendering him unable to speak at all.  He can still emit inhuman sounding screeches, which adds yet another unsettling dimension to the film.  It also emphasises how completely helpless Brent is in this situation.

This movie has so much going for it, unfortunately it does fall short in a couple areas.  The subplot seems like a complete time filler to make this film feature length.  Brent’s best friend takes a hot Goth chick named Mia Valentine out to the prom that Brent probably wishes he was at.  It only correlates to the primary plot by the thinnest of strings, Mia is related to one of Lola’s previous victims, Timmy Valentine.  Unfortunately the subplot never resolved and never really merges with the main plot.  The Valentine family never does find out the truth about what happened to Timmy, and honestly, what did happen him?  Lola says he escaped, and we saw him at the start of the film, he was the one that caused Brent’s car accident.  However Timmy wasn’t hit in the accident, and he apparently escaped from Lola, so where is he?  He was bleeding pretty good when he escaped, but no worse than Brent was when he eventually makes a run for it, and he is somehow able to drive a fucking car.  There is no reason that Timmy couldn’t have gotten away.  The only way the two plots even touch is when Mr. Valentine, who is a cop, arrives at Lola’s house to ask a few questions, but this is wholly unfulfilling and doesn’t exactly resolve anything.  As critical as I am of the subplot, it does manage to provide comedy and relieve tension from the main plot, which is likely the only reason, besides time requirement, it was included in the film.

THE VERDICT

            Despite the flaws, this movie still has a lot to offer and I thoroughly enjoyed it.  The lack of a subplot affected the story negatively, but from a mere enjoyment standpoint, it added a dimension of comedy, which this type of movie needs to relieve some tension and allow the audience to ready up for the next round of torture.  The torture scenes themselves are fairly intense and even made me nervous a couple times (though I always get nervous when a man’s dick is in trouble).  The only thing preventing this movie from cracking into the 8’s was an underwhelming resolution to a story that had great potential.  Never the less I highly recommend this film.  Even if you have a problem with some aspects of it, like I did, you will still enjoy it for what it is.

7.1/10