Iron Man 3 (2013)

Iron Man 3 (2013)

Iron Man 3 is a rather controversial film.  There is a general consensus that it’s not quite as good as the first but far better than the second.  This is where the agreement ends. It has received both scathingly negative and glowingly positive reviews from critics.  I’m going to try and get to the bottom of this film and give it the most honest and unpretentious rating I can muster.

The Plot *spoilers

Robert Downey Jr. reprises his role as billionaire playboy Tony Stark in the third installment of the popular Iron Man franchise.  The witty, if somewhat arrogant superhero is still dealing with the aftermath of the alien attack on New York (as seen in the ultra-popular super film The Avengers).  Despite his crumbling emotional state, life goes on, and terrorism never rests.  America is under a new threat.  There have been several attacks from and infamous and mysterious man known as The Mandarin.  A recurring trend in these attacks is the presence of a veteran soldier and a fiery explosion. 

Stark is distant and withdrawn, even from his girlfriend Pepper Pots (Gwyneth Paltrow).  He would rather spend the majority of his time tinkering with new suits in his basement than deal with his anxiety disorder and post-traumatic stress.  His sidekick Colonel Rhodes (Don Cheadle) has taken on a new identity as The Iron Patriot.  He is basically the president’s own Iron Man bodyguard. 

Meanwhile at work, an old acquaintance named Aldrich Killian (Guy Pearce) has resurfaced, and hopes to form a partnership with Stark Enterprise.  He shows Pepper a fancy 3D map of his own brain and explains his business model.  Pepper snubs him, though compliments him for no longer being a crippled, greasy loser like he used to be.

Don't you want somebody to love?

Aldrich, who was already snubbed by Stark years ago, is visibly frustrated.  He leaves with his bizarre crony who was drawing some attention in the waiting room.  In case you’ve forgotten about Happy, he is Stark’s bodyguard and runs security at Stark Enterprise.  He is a little overzealous in his security detail, and decides to tail the crony.  Unfortunately he stumbles right into the middle of one of The Mandarin’s terrorist plots.  After a brief struggle, Happy is knocked out and left to be devoured by the explosion.  He survives, but is in a coma.  Stark is pissed and issues a threat to The Mandarin, giving away his own home address in hopes of provoking an attack.  He gets what he asked for, but after a couple of war helicopters destroy his property, the unprepared Tony Stark is almost killed.  His severely damaged suit reacts and launches him hundreds of miles away into a forest, (coincidentally near one of the cities where there was a suspicious fiery explosion involving a soldier).  While the world believes he was killed in the attack, Stark attempts to get to the bottom of The Mandarins Plot while still dealing with his undiagnosed mental illnesses.  With the help of a little boy, he is able to rebuild his suit, and learn that Killian’s business is backing The Mandarin terrorist plot.  Oh my!

My Take

This film shows us a new dimension of Tony Stark.  In the previous two Iron Man movies and The Avengers, Stark is shown to be a witty, overconfident man who’s mouth does the talking and advanced battle armor does the walking.  In Iron Man 3, however, Stark spends the majority of the film outside of his suit.  This coupled with his mental and emotional suffering shows us that he is far more vulnerable than he lets on.  People didn’t like this, complaining that there isn’t enough action.  Do you want this series to progress in any capacity or do you want to see the same shit over and over again?  If so than just watch the first Iron Man on repeat and you’ll never be disappointed.  Obviously any normal human would be in shock after the events that Stark has been through, the fact that he is showing his weaknesses reminds us that he is still only human. 

Stark is continuing to improve on his unbelievable and incredible (but mostly unbelievable) technology that has made him a crime fighting badass.  In his basement lie anywhere from 40 to 50 Iron Man suits that he has been modifying and putting party hats on during his sleepless nights, though they seem to be a lot less durable than I remember.  This movie gives us more of what we love about the Iron Man franchise.  It’s funny, it’s got action, it has a decent story, but mostly it has Tony Stark.  Downey Jr. is just as enjoyable to watch outside of the suit as he is in it, proving he is more than just a “man in a can”.  The Iron Man franchise is the benchmark for Marvel Superhero movies and I hope that they can step up their game with the new wave of sequels coming out. 

There are a couple problems with this movie.  Marvel as a whole always seems to have the same problem; a shitty villain.  Loki was ok, though he was laughably outmatched in both movies where he was the main villain.  Other than him we have; Whiplash, Obadiah Stane, Redskull, Lizardman, and were there even bad guys in The Hulk movies?  Anyway all of them were kind of… well shitty.  The Dark Knight is basically the only current superhero franchise to have a reputable villain.  Christopher Nolan brought two iconic comic book characters, The Joker and Bane, to life in unique and very impressive ways.  These two villains left a lasting impression on the audience and even might have had some of us cheering them on at certain points.  They seemed to outmatch the hero, and provided a real sense of dread.  You can’t really say that about any of the Marvel villains,  though you might have felt sorry for Loki when he got thrashed by The Hulk.

Aldrich Killian (despite the many trailers that suggest otherwise) is the main villain in in Iron Man 3 and he is as plain as they come.  A rich businessman whose company creates some kind of potion to make him a superhuman is so cliché.  Driven by greed and maybe a little vengeance he wants to own the war on terror.  We get it, Tony was a dick to you, but come on, you can regrow limbs, do you really need to start WW3 to make your point?

The main reason this film took so much heat was the abuse of the beloved super villain The Mandarin.  Nerds from all around got hard at the idea of finally having a worthy opponent for Iron Man to face off against.  They were sadly disappointed as “The Mandarin” turns out to be nothing more than a face to put to the terrorism.

A drugged up, drunken Ben Kingsly face

 I thought his character reveal was hilarious and worked well, but fans loyal to the comics saw it as utter blasphemy, and it wouldn’t surprise me if this world is short a couple comic book geeks because they were so haunted by what they saw.  For all of those people bitching about the lack of action, how did you feel when Tony had Jarvis activate the “House Party Protocol”?  When I saw the FLEET of Iron Man suits form up, ready to kick some ass, my dick grew two inches!  Those retarded lava people, or whatever Killian was making didn’t stand a chance.

The Verdict

As much as I was hoping to see some kind of Avengers cross over, (even just a little one I’m not being picky) I have to say I thoroughly enjoyed this movie.

Though this would have been immensely better

Stark, (I can’t believe I’ve mentioned that name so much without even one GOT reference) though mainly suit less and under mental duress, still manages to kick ass in this third and possibly final installment.  Not sure but the ending suggested Tony will be a different kind of hero in the films to come.  I’m excited to see what Marvel puts out this year. 

8/10

Texas Chainsaw 3D (2013)

Texas Chainsaw 3D (2013)

I hated this movie so much after I first saw it.  I decided to give it another shot and realized it wasn’t as bad as I had originally thought.  I was so pissed off after the shitty ending that I forgot about some of the films positives.  There aren’t a lot of positives, but I wouldn’t say that it’s a complete waste of time.  Unfortunately it doesn’t live up to the other Chainsaw Massacre movies, not even close.  Those films contain character development, compelling protagonists and an overall sense of compassion for the kids, and a hatred for Leatherface and his fucked up family.  For these reasons I’ve decided to try and review this as a stand alone movie.

The Plot

Heather has been living a lie.  Her “parents” let her grow into an adult without telling her that she was adopted.  This is revealed to her when a letter arrives from Texas, informing her of her grandmothers death.  “But I don’t have a grandmother in Texas?”  Well ya do kid.  Heather and her three friends decide to travel down to claim her inheritance; little did she expect that she would be receiving a giant house.  Along the way, the crew picks up a hitchhiker, which is obviously gonna be bad news.  Now the crew sits at five, the perfect roster for a slasher movie.  Heather’s diverse group of friends include; the black guy, the hot chick, the scumbag drifter, and the gay dude whose so far in the closet he’s chilling with R.Kelly.

Where the pussy at?

And that’s basically all we ever learn about them.  After seeing the house for the first time, the crew decides to head out for some supplies, as they want to party in their new pad, like you do.  They decide to do the smart thing and leave the drifter, who they’ve known for less than a day, behind to look after the house. 

Come on guys, we can trust Darryl, look how hot he is!

Obviously Darryl starts sacking the place as soon as the others leave.  He is very surprised by how well furnished the house is, including expensive silverware, candle sticks, old lady jewelry, and a chainsaw wielding mass murderer locked in the basement!  When the others return, they are mildly upset that Darryl turned out to be a flake, but fuck, why let that ruin a good party?  It’s not until the chainsaw wielding maniac starts killing everybody else that the gravity of the situation begins to sink in.  Now we’re about half an hour into this movie and all of Heather’s friends are dead.  That’s where this movie starts to go to shit.  Heather finds out that her grandmother’s family “The Sawyers” and the rest of the town had a little falling out years ago.  Heathers cousin, the monster with a chainsaw, killed a bunch of innocent people, so the townsfolk, led by Mayor Hartman, rounded up a posse and burned their house to the ground.  Seems reasonable considering the Sawyers were armed and harbouring a known serial killer.  Now Heather is torn; should she side with her last remaining family, the chainsaw wielding brute who literally just killed all of her friends and tons of other innocent people in the past, or the side of justice?  Which one will she choose?

My Take

The intro scene where Leatherface kills all of those innocents felt unnecessary (apparently it's an homage to the original).  All you have to do is show us what he looks like and we’ll know that he’s bad news.  He wears a woman’s face as a mask for fuck sake.    

He probably just has self esteem issues

This film doesn’t have the same feel as the other Chainsaw Massacre movies, in fact it feels more like the Wrong Turn franchise, which isn’t exactly what you want.  **SPOILERS**.  The reason I hated this movie so much was the ending.  When Heather finds out that the villagers torched her real family, as evil and fucked as they were, she gets pissed and immediately affiliates herself with the Sawyer family.  Need I remind you she know nothing about any Sawyers or even that she belonged to this family merely 24 hours ago.  The film develops a weird kind of Sawyer vs. Hartman family feud that is truly cringe worthy and uncomfortable.    

Towards the end of the film Heather finds Leatherface in a position of weakness, about to be finished off by Mayor Hartman and what does she do?  She slides him his fucking chainsaw and says “Do your thing Cuz!”  Are you fucking kidding me?  She literally went from an ordinary girl with some nice friends to a completely crazy bitch in less than a day.  This fucker killed all of your friends, and is really the reason that your family was wiped out.  Now you’re saving him and talking to him like you guys are god damn Sam and Dean Winchester!  Ughh.  Granted, Leatherface did kind of save Heather’s life at one point earlier in the film, but only after he almost kills her in cold blood.  Besides, Heather didn’t really need to be in that position in the first place.  If she would have just went by the book and got a lawyer, she would have been on her way back home, a few friends short but alive instead of chained up in a slaughterhouse.  Nope, just adopt this Sawyer identity you had no idea about 24 hours ago and join the population of crazy town.

The Verdict

Based on the first twenty minutes, the film had potential to be a mediocre horror thriller.  The second half of the movie was different, but definitely didn’t improve the film.  I absolutely hated the idea of Sawyer vs. Hartman.  I hope that Heather enjoys the rest of her life, which I’m assuming she’ll have to spend living with Leatherface, what a treat.  Questions; will the remaining villagers want to make another mob because their beloved Mayor Hartman was killed?  Also almost all of the cops in the town were killed in this incident, won’t anybody care what happened to them?  People who remembered Heather and knew her three friends back home will wonder where they all wandered off to won’t they?  Won’t somebody come looking for them?  Are Heather and Leatherface going to team up to kill all of her old friends families when they inevitably come looking for them?  Fuck it, roll the credits.

5.1/10

World War Z (2013)

World War Z (2013)

Right off the bat, I haven’t read the book.  A lot of the criticism this movie got was from fans of the book claiming the film didn’t stay true enough to the original story.  I confess, this pisses me off too, but I’m going to review this movie from a purely unbiased, non well read standpoint.

The Plot

Gerry Lane (Brad Pitt) is your typical waffle cooking stay at home dad with luscious long blonde locks.  He’s just trying to live his life with his beautiful family, but that wouldn’t make for a good film now would it?  Gerry and his wife Karin, (knock off Jessica Chastain) are taking their two daughters out for the day when suddenly they find themselves in the middle of a graphic zombie apocalypse.  The zombies don’t pull any punches, and are some of the most vicious undead I’ve ever seen on the big screen.  Gerry ain’t scared though, as he skillfully leads his family to safety.  Something tells me he does more than just flip waffles, duh!

Imma go medieval on these zombies

Our suspicions about Gerry are confirmed when the Deputy Secretary General speed dials him to come in and help what remains of the UN to get to the bottom of the outbreak. Turns out Gerry is a god damn UN Investigator, surprise surprise.  Gerry and the Deputy come to an agreement; Gerry will come out of retirement and investigate the origin of the outbreak if his family is taken care of for him while he’s gone.  Just like that our lovable, long haired hero is sent off to North Korea to aid a young disease specialist get to the bottom of the outbreak.  They are accompanied by some US marines, aka the expendables.

Immediately upon landing, they are attacked by savage zombies.  The specialist, aka the whole purpose of this plan, slips falls and shoots himself in the face…. Seriously.  So there goes that idea.  The trip is not a total waste, however, as Gerry discovers that there is, in fact, a 100% safe zone in Israel.  Jerusalem was the first to react to the virus, leading Gerbear to believe that to be the origin of the virus. 

Get this, the reason that Jerusalem was the first to react to the virus, Nazi Germany.  The Jews learned to never take any threat lightly, however unlikely it may be.  Hence, when they heard about a potential zombie outbreak they did the only rational thing they could think of, build a massive wall around the city.  Throughout his travels, Gerry learns much about the zombie outbreak, including what he believes to be a cure, but can he escape the increasingly dangerous situations he finds himself in?  Probably, he is Brad Pitt after all. 

My Take

This movie is somewhat different from many of the other zombie movies I have seen in recent years.  Sure it has the same basic run from zombies fight some zombies formula, but there is much more to this story than most zombie fans will be used to.  This film shows the zombie apocalypse on a global scale.  It depicts what the UN is able and willing to do in the case of a wide scale outbreak.  It is quite different than other zombie favourites like Dawn of The Dead, Shaun of The Dead, I am Legend, 28 Days later, in that they are all relatively local outbreaks.  They merely show us radio chatter and lead us to assume that all forms of government have collapsed.   World War Z shows us that the government will still have some form of semblance and be able to mount a plan of action.  They form up in a pretty bad ass battle ship fleet, which is one of my favorite scenes in the movie.  Some of the politics of this movie are very interesting.  Seeing how different nations, such as the US, North Korea and Israel, deal with the outbreak differently is thought provoking. 

The zombies in this movie originate from a strain of rabies.  They are fast and they are vicious and crazy as fuck.

Seriously they do some crazy shit

They don’t seem to eat their victims but rather bite to spread the disease or simply tear their victims to pieces.  They can be only be killed with headshots or burnt to a crisp, as is tradition.  They are portrayed via a blend of CG and excellent make up.  CG is used for the massive hordes while make up is reserved  for the more personal zombie encounters.  Both styles are terrifying, and the extras who played the real zombies did an excellent job of dehumanizing their movements.

The Verdict

This movie was very well done, in my opinion.  It didn’t drag, it didn’t bore and it offered a different perspective than most other zombie movies.  It contained a good blend of action and politics (not too much politics) to keep you entertained while still delivering some thought provoking content.  For originality, good CG and a suffocating sense of dread, I give this movie…

8.1/10

The Devil Inside (2012)

The Devil Inside (2012)

The Devil Inside is just one of a number of recent films that are taking advantage of the “found footage” style of shooting.  The Blair Witch Project successfully did it back in 1999, and Cannibal Holocaust did it even earlier (1980) but both of those films were ground breaking in both shooting style and storytelling.  A lot of people actually thought these films were real (The Devil Inside won’t be fooling anybody).  Paranormal Activity brought back this hand held shooting style in 2009 and since then a multitude of other directors have jumped on the bandwagon and adopted this style of filming. 

The way overused found film style of shooting is the first knock on The Devil Inside.  The second is the fact that it also hopped on a growingly unoriginal trend of possession movies.  This film had so many similarities to The Rite that after watching them both, I couldn’t even separate one from the other, except that one wasn’t a steaming pile of trash.  The Devil Inside has an unoriginal, boring and ultimately disappointing storyline.  The film itself has little to no merit, and I’m not even sure if it deserves to have a review written about it, but I’m bored as shit so I’ll do my best to convey my biased thoughts on the film.

The Plot

Basically one boring, somewhat sexy woman named Isabella Rossi wishes to find out the truth about her mother Maria who left when Isabella was a little girl.  Maria, it turns out, murdered three people and was sentenced to intense psychiatric evaluation.  The medical professionals decided, with good reason, that Maria was dangerously mentally ill and needed to be kept under constant surveillance and heavily drugged.  They proceed to move her to Rome for some reason.  Isabella, now all grown up, decides to visit her mother and see if she’s all better.  She also brings her friend, a filmmaker, to help her document the expedition.  After a brief, albeit creepy visit with Mommy, Isabella decides that her Mom is likely possessed.

Gee what gave it away?

Isabella enlists the help of two priests to assess her with her mother.  These priests do illegal exorcisms without the churches consent because fuck authority.  The priests decide to warm Isabella up to the idea of exorcism by taking her for sort of a “bring a dumb bitch to work” day.  The girl who the priests have scheduled an exorcism for is an impressive contortionist.  She deserves to be in a much better film than this.

Somebody read the Kama Sutra

The priests literally ask the demon politely to leave the girl’s body, and it does!  But not before threatening to suck the priest’s cocks, as of course is tradition in possession films.  Why do all demons have to be gay?  After this exorcism goes so smoothly, Isabella can’t fathom any way that her mother’s exorcism will go differently.  The film continues to go nowhere and takes a few confusing twists and turns, then ends abruptly.

My Take

  This film at least attempts incorporate a couple new and innovative ideas, and they all failed miserably.  They used what they referred to as a “Pupil cam” literally a camera that measures the possessed parties pupil dilation.  My problem with this was that the pupil cam was never centered directly on the eyes so the reading would be inaccurate right.  Stupid,pointless idea. 

The story line is extremely dull, and offered nothing we’ve never seen before.  The plot rehashed the same old, “she has a mental illness” says the authorities, “no she is possessed” says the priests.  It’s the same old gaff we’re used to.  The only time I actually felt any sense of fear was in the beginning when Isabella visits her mom in the mental hospital for the first time.  That was when I was still entertaining the idea that she was suffering from a severe mental illness, which would have been entirely more frightening and unpredictable.  Why can’t there be a movie where the “possessed party” is actually just a Paranoid Schizophrenic, or suffers from Dissociative Identity Disorder?  The idiotic priests can still kidnap them and perform an exorcism, which obviously won’t work, and they end up unleashing a complete psychopath upon the Vatican.  Possessions are fake and mental illness is real.  A movie portraying someone who is mentally ill and dangerous would be ten times as scary as any possession movie because it could happen to someone you know.   I’m more frightened of old people with dementia than anything I saw in this film.

The main priest looks like a twat and I assumed an immediate hatred towards him.  The second priest is somewhat likable, but unbelievable because of his medical background.  Who the fuck quits being a doctor to become a priest? 

For your health ya Dingus!

It’s retarded, and likely only included in the film to make it seem like the priests know what they are doing and aren’t just a couple of clueless dickheads.  Isabella is boring and the actress definitely slept with somebody to get this part.  None of the characters are compelling at all, and towards the end I gave approximately zero fucks about who lived and who died.  The only redeeming part of this movie is when one of the priests tries to drown a baby named John Thomas (British people refer to their dicks as John Thomas).  Freud would have a hayday psychoanalyzing that.

The Verdict

Watching this movie a second time really tested me, and I hated every minute of it.  It’s unfortunate because this movie has some similarities to another film that I really liked (The Last Exorcism).  Too many similarities in fact.  It was as though The last Exorcism and The Rite had a bastard baby, which they dropped on its head everyday for a couple months, than finally got around to naming it The Devil Inside.

3/10  

Pain and Gain (2013)

Pain and Gain (2013)

Pain and Gain is based on a true story, just try to remember that while you laugh your way through this ridiculous film.   Mark Wahlberg, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Anthony Mackie and Tony Shaloub star in this smash hit by director Michael Bay.  I applaud Bay for going light on the explosions and destruction in this film, and instead focusing on character development and comedy, though he did manage to squeeze at least one explosion in there fer da boys.

THE PLOT

Daniel Lugo (Wahlberg) is a simple man.  He believes in fitness and wants nothing more than to live life large.  He wants money to go with that rock hard body.  Unfortunately he is a complete meat head stuck in a dead end job as personal trainer with a criminal record.  Sick of being low man on the totem pole, he decides that if he can’t earn all that he wants, he’s going to have to take it by force.  The perfect target falls into his lap in the form of Victor Kershaw (Shaloub).  Kershaw is wealthy, greedy and a complete asshole, so you tend to find yourself not exactly feeling sorry for him.  Lugo enlists two of his fellow body builders; Adrian Doorball (Mackie) and the Paul Doyle (Johnson) to help him take down Kershaw.  They decide to kidnap Kershaw and force him to sign away all of his money to them, but things so sour when Kershaw is able to identify Lugo, even through his Ninja costume and thick Columbian accent.

Hola Amigos

Despite a few setbacks, the boys are able to forcibly take everything away from Kershaw, but now they have a problem. What are they going to do with Kershaw?  They devise a plan to make it look like Kershaw was killed in a drunk driving accident.  Obviously, being incompetent criminals, they botch the plan and Kershaw is able to escape, though he is pretty mangled.  Kershaw goes into hiding and hires a private detective to get to the bottom of the case, but ultimately they seem to have nothing.  The boys look like they are in the clear, only they burn through their money pretty fast, so they need to pull off another heist.  Will this one go as smoothly?  No, no it won’t.

My Take

This movie is so fucking funny that it’s hard to take it seriously as a “based on a true crime” story.  Ultimately the events that this film is based on are horrible and people’s lives were ruined, but for some reason I just can’t stop laughing through this film.  The character development is phenomenal.  Lugo is a classic meat head, who is a master manipulator and can easily influence his two sidekicks into following his hair brained plans.  Wahlberg, as always turns in an excellent performance.  Doorball is a roided out fitness buff who has injected himself to the point of impotence.  He also has a thing for heavyset white chicks.  By far and away the best character is Paul Doyle though.  Everything about The Rock’s character is god damn ridiculous.  He is an ex-con, former coke addict who turned to God in a time of need.  He also totes around a skateboard with no explanation whatsoever.  He looks like Hawaiian Hulk and everything he says and does is comedy gold. 

This is our dream team

Together, they make for a hilarious, though severely misguided trio.  Things, as they often do, go from bad to worse as they continuously make horrible decisions that lead them down a progressively more gruesome and illegal path.

The Verdict

Seeing The Rock get coked out and crazy is by itself worth watching this movie.  I might have even laughed harder the second time I watched it.  I would definitely rank this as one of the most enjoyable movies of 2013.  Just watch it, it will fill you with good feels and educate you on everything not to do with your life.

8.6/10

Now You See Me (2013)

Now You See Me (2013)

This movie had a lot of hype when it first came out.  The trailer said it all; three hot young magicians and Woody Harrelson use magic to rob a bank!  Shut up and take my money!  I did not end up going to this movie in theatres, in fact I didn’t even pay to see it, and boy am I glad that I didn’t.  This movie is a fun ride while you’re watching it but ultimately leaves you feeling insulted for about ten minutes afterwards, then you forget about it entirely.

There is little to no character development in this movie.  The four magicians are all shown to be doing their own acts separately.  They are marginally successful, and clearly talented, but not as famous or popular as they would like to be.  Each of the magicians can be summed up in a less than a sentence;  Jesse Eisenberg plays Danny Atlas (asshole), Woody Harrelson plays Merritt (old asshole) Isla Fisher plays Henley (female) and Dave Franco plays Jack Wilder (actually kind of cool and charming on the outside, asshole inside).

A hooded stranger unites them all, and leaves an anonymous set of instructions that he somehow knows they will follow without question.  All of a sudden it’s a year later and the four lowly magicians have united to wear tuxedoes and put on the single biggest act in magic history.  We learn nothing of their struggles or anything at all about their characters.  They simply continue to be one dimensional and for the most part, jerks.  Every time Jesse Eisenberg goes on one of his condescending monologues about looking closely and watching his hands I feel like I am supposed to be amazed and shocked that he can trick me so easily.

 Anyway the four magicians, who are so egotistical that they prefer to be referred to in biblical terms as the Four Horsemen, get right into the bank robbery (the main selling point in the trailer) within half an hour.  I thought this was supposed to be the apex of the movie?  I wish it was, this movie was way to god damn long, it really tested my infantile attention span.  I did find myself playing Candy Crush a couple times though, generally any time the horsemen were lecturing the audience about how sleight of hand works.

SPOILER ALERT: After successfully robbing the bank, the FBI is after the four horsemen.  The completely rational and intelligent Agent Rhodes (Mark Ruffalo) is constantly reminded how stupid and blundering he is by the illusive magicians as he attempts to do his job and get to the bottom of a bank robbery.  

Fuck my life

Frustrated, Rhodes enlists the help of celebrity magic debunker Thaddeus Bradley (Morgan “God” Freeman).  There is also a female Interpol agent who is flown in to assist Rhodes, but she is completely useless and hardly worth mentioning at all (maybe Rhodes wants to fuck her?).  Both Rhodes and Bradley attend the Four Horsemen’s shows and try to figure out how they are doing their tricks (most of which involve stealing money and getting away with it).  From my perspective, all of the magician’s tricks are easy to figure out, it’s all fucking CG.  I feel like the “Illusions” should at least look like they are real and make you forget that you are watching a big budget movie with computer techs editing in the illusions afterwards.  

Bradley, using only a cheap looking handy cam, figures out the horseman’s tricks basically the minute he sees them.  The only problem is that his explanations are even less believable than if you just believed in the god damn magic.  The secrets behind the tricks are so far fetched and unbelievable, you are guaranteed to be shocked by each one.  Shocked and cheated. 

The character that gets the most development and seems the most realistic is Rhodes, so most people who watch this movie will probably relate to him.  Like Rhodes, the audience will be constantly reminded how incompetent and moronic we must be by these cocky and impossibly talented, charming, young magicians.

All the magicians I've ever seen look more like this

 Seriously how old are these guys?  I’m almost 22 and all I can make disappear is hours of my life watching garbage like this film.  How are these kids even able to get into the casinos they are performing in, never mind pulling off heists.   

The ending is bad, but I won’t be the one to spoil it for you.  This movie had potential to be good, and there are certain people out there who will still enjoy it because they are distracted by the pretty magic, but I just can’t bring myself to say anything overly positive about this film.  Most of the actors are famous and recognisable (They were all pretty good at playing cocky assholes anyway), the cinematography was good, and there was clearly a lot of money funnelled into this movie.  For production value alone I am obligated to give this entirely forgettable movie…

5/10             

Insidious: Chapter 2 (2013

Insidious: Chapter 2 (2013)

I finally get to review a current movie.  I have to be a bit more careful writing this as to not give away too many spoilers.  I think this is the first horror movie I’ve seen in theatres since Sinister, so it was nice to get the authentic, terrifying experience that you can only get at the cinema.  My favorite part was how the girls sitting behind me talked nervously throughout the whole film, screamed at the scary parts, and then at the end, said it wasn’t that scary.  Bitches. 

Insidious: Chapter 2 (Which I will be henceforth referring to as Insidious 2) was again, written by Leigh Whannell and directed by James Wan.  The entire cast of Insidious returns in this surprisingly good sequel.

The Plot

Insidious 2 picks up right after the horrific events of the first film.  Dalton’s astral projection days seem to be behind him, the Lambert family is safe and everything is honky dory

Well, almost everything

While the police are investigating Elise Rainier’s death, the Lamberts are forced to move into Josh’s childhood home (you know, the place where he was haunted by that black witch for years and years).  In the new house, things are fine for about ten minutes, then Renai (Rose Byrne) and Josh’s mom Lorraine (Barbara Hershey) start seeing and hearing things again.  Dalton, who we were all hoping would just go the fuck to sleep like a normal kid, starts seeing dead people again.  They are all extremely freaked.  Worse still, there is something a little off about Josh (Patrick Wilson).

The bass in these Beats by Dre headphones will blow your mind!

Luckily Elise’s old friend Carl (Steve Coulter) arrives to help investigate the cause of the hauntings this time around.  He wears a trench coat, boasts a distractingly fake looking beard, and sports a pair of vicious sexual offender bifocal glasses, but other than that he’s pretty cool.  Things take a terrifying turn as Carl, Lorraine, Specs and Tucker (Elise’s loyal assistants) delve further into the case of the Bride in Black, who has been following Josh since he was a child.  Can they uncover the unsettling truth about this malevolent spirit before she tears the Lambert family apart?

My Take

While not quite as terrifying as the first of the franchise, Insidious 2 offers its fair share of scares, and is by no means a letdown.  I feel like Whannell really outdid himself writing this script.  It ties in beautifully with the first movie and features a very creepy backstory detailing the origin of the antagonist, The Bride in Black.  The subplot, in which Lorraine, Carl, Specs and Tucker investigate the origin of the Bride in Black is very suspenseful and intense.  These scenes offer tons of scares and are just plain disturbing.  The scenes taking place in the Further are also suspenseful, and resolve some questions left over from the first film.  Josh’s transformation throughout the film is simply terrifying.  Wilson turns in a strong performance portraying what turns out to be a rather complicated character. 

Similar to its predecessor, Insidious 2 contains a few boarder line cheesy scenes in the latter half of the film, but nothing as extreme as Darth Goatfeet from Insidious.  There were also a couple pieces of dialogue in this film that could be summed up as silly too, but they made me laugh so I can’t fault the writer for that.

The Verdict

I didn’t have high expectations for this film because honestly I didn’t see the need for a sequel.  Hollywood has a notorious track record for beating the dead horse and churning out sequels like sixteen year old chicks pop out kids (A-la Paranormal Activity/Saw).  I was so wrong.  This movie was about as good as an unplanned sequel to a horror movie can be.  Again I applaud Whannell’s storytelling and ability to make this sequel a relevant part of modern horror.  I know that I will be buying this movie when it comes out on DVD, it’s a necessary piece of any horror collection.

8.2/10