Escape Plan (2013)

Escape Plan (2013)



I recently watched Escape Plan starring Stallone and Schwarzenegger. I wasn't at all surprised to read that it bombed in the box office. Needless to say, I didn't expect much from this film but i was actually pleasantly surprised. It's no Goddamn Wolf of Wall Street, but it didn't make me throw up either.

The Plot
The plot is simple, and not believable in the slightest. Stallone plays a genius tactician, his specialty; breaking out of high security prisons. He goes into the "safest" prisons all across America and using his idiot savant power, breaks out of them. Afterwards, he informs his client of the prisons weaknesses resulting in a more secure jail. Since nobody would believe that he can handle it on his own, Stallone has a team that consists of a possible love interest (this avenue is never entirely explored or explained), a computer hacking genius (played by a bespectacled 50 cent so you know he's legit), and a greedy business man who tends to the numbers (and is not suspicious in the slightest) Together they plan the biggest score to date, a prison that has been labelled Impossible to break out of.

The prison contains the most dangerous prisoners known to man. At least thats what they tell us, but they all seemed pretty tame to me. I think one of them might have thought about starting a riot at one point, but decided to eat pudding instead. The location of the prison is unknown and Stallone finds himself in way over his head. His big score has turned into a nightmare as he seems to have finally found a prison even he can't break out of. Worse, nobody seems to care that he's innocent. How could the guards not see the innocence on his stiff, leathery face?

My Take

I'll start by saying this isn't a bad movie. It is decent and enjoyable, seemed to be well shot and was definitely better than I expected. That said, the entire plot relied entirely on luck and extremely shitty prison guards. Stallone is never searched in any capacity. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad he isn't strip searched, but you would think that would happen in a jail right? Nope, dude is able to smuggle objects around at will, and they aren't even that subtle. SPOILER the top secret location of the prison is on a boat. One inmate is actually able to sneak a large makeshift compass made from old glasses ABOVE DECK!

His asshole must be pretty deep to house that thing

Allowing a prisoner above deck would undermine the main appeal of the prison, it's secret location. Prisoners gossip, they don't have anything else to do, so if one inmate knows they're on a boat, they all know.

I also believe that Stallone was a bit miscast. I know you're probably thinking, buddy they had 50 cent playing a genius computer hacker? Well apparently all it takes to be a computer genius is a pair of glasses because despite 50's accent, he did wel in the limited role.

Science Mafucka

I did have trouble buying Stallone as a genius in any capacity. He should stick to action roles and leave the thinking roles to like, I dunno, Edward Norton. At one point in the film, Stallone uses a myth (direction of a toilet swirl) to help him figure out their location.


It's simple, my poop spun the other way

I suppose the main problem I had with this film was how the fancy high security prison was unbreakable, but incompitent containment tactics made it possible to break out. The sleeping quarters provided to the prisoners is a unbreakable glass box with a bed and a toilet. Whoever runs the prison clearly doesn't care about the sanity/wellbeing of the prisoners, so why not just keep them in their boxes 24/7? The prisoners are completely off the grid to anyone on the outside, and are already being treated inhumanely and routinely tortured. But the guards are soft and allow free time, inmates mingle and smuggle shit all over the place. If they would just keep the prisoners in lockdown all the time, the prison would be perfect, 0 chance of a breakout.

Try as you might, you just can's shank your way out

The Verdict I know I didn't really get into the positives about this film, but believe me, it is decent. The acting is acceptable, though it is geared towards one liners. The story, though it relies heavily on coincidences and chance, is pretty good. If it's not on Netflix yet, it will be soon, and that is where I would recommend watching it.

6.1/10

Ender's Game (2013)

Ender’s Game (2013)

Ender’s Game is one of the more recent Sci Fi movies that nobody really saw, and those who did didn’t have much to say about it; a la Oblivion or After Earth.  Did it come out on DVD already, it seems like it was just in theatres?  At any rate, apparently it is based on a fairly successful book series.  I never read the books, but JON KENNY, the guy I saw the movie with did, and he was none too pleased.

Nothing worse than bad cinematography amarite?

The Plot

In the future (I’m guessing) earth is in danger from an extraterrestrial bug species that almost obliterated all of humanity.  After being staved off, the buggers remained in hiding on their homeworld for 50 years.  Fearing another attack, Earth’s greatest minds plan to take the fight to the enemies homeland.  There is only one problem; all of our military tacticians are dumb as hell.  Earth’s greatest strategic minds have no idea how to take on these hive minded insects, so they scour the globe for the greatest resource we posses, children. 

Now that's what I'm talking about 

What I find baffling is the fact that the military has defeated the buggers once before, discovered a critical weakness, and even with all of their military expertise, still can’t figure out a way to execute an attack.  Don’t these commanders train for years and years, and have tons of experience dealing with this kind of thing.  There are even survivors from the first attack still kicking around.  Wouldn’t they have a better chance than some kid with almost no experience?  Fuck logic though

The army takes the gifted children and places them in a training facility to learn to hone their skills and become future commanders.  Did I mention this training facility was co-ed?  They’ve gathered a bunch of young boys and girls just entering puberty and housed them together, what could go wrong?  I know I’m no genius but when I was 12, I was too busy masturbating to focus on any kind of strategy.  If I was in a co-ed dorm there would be very little studying and a lot of me creeping bitches out #realtalk. 

Ender Wiggin, a particularly gifted boy (he must be as we’re constantly reminded by Harrison) quickly ascends the ranks and asserts himself as the undisputed leader.  Actually a couple kids tried to dispute it, but they got fucked up.

After rigorous training (seemed like about 4-6 months max as nobody ages) the children should be ready to launch the ultimate assault, the future of mankind at stake.  Hopefully they can keep their minds off of each other and on the mission at hand.

My Take

This movie had a ton of flaws and was doomed from the get go.  First off, the story demands graphic violence between children, which I’m pretty sure is illegal to show in movies.  A story like this is generally better left to the imagination.

Like most movies starting children, the acting is questionable.  The character development in this movie is pretty much shit.  Ender is a cold, calculating genius.  What usually accompanies these traits?  Psychopathology comes to mind.  Other than Ender himself, none of the other characters really get much development.  For Ender’s chums we have the usual stereotypes; the bully, the weakling, the black kid and the girl.  We are also blessed with a very diverse group of authority figures including the strict teacher, the empathetic teacher, the overly confident teacher and ShoutyBlacky.

To prepare for the role, he ate Idris Elba

I guess for the sake of time management and to focus on Ender, they had to simplify characters like Bonso and Bean into one word descriptors like nerd and bully.

I never read the book, but I have a feeling most readers would agree with me that the movie is a very dumbed down version of the book.  It is basically shoved down our throats how brilliant and tactical Ender is.  The kid can’t go to the bathroom without Harrison Ford commenting on his strategic genius.

He has a powerful stream, perfect for getting the most piss out in the least amount of time.  He's a tactical genius

 If Colonel Graff (Ford) spent less time pleasuring himself to Ender’s tactical brilliance (which is usually pretty close to common sense) and more time figuring out how to defend earth, maybe we wouldn't need to recruit kids to lead our assault.  

The Verdict

The story had potential, and the beautiful CGI tried it’s best to bring the story to life, but shitty screenwriting, underdeveloped characters and a couple plot holes made for a very underwhelming film.  Apparently the book took place over like 8 years or something, the movie covered at most a year, that is what I mean by “a couple plot holes.”

6.2/10

Lone Survivor (2013)

Lone Survivor (2013)

Not to be confused with the recent box office abortion The Lone Ranger, Lone Survivor is a gritty war flick depicting the gruelling life of US marines, focusing on the true events of operation Red Wings.  The last war movie I saw in theatres was Act of Valor, which I thought to be nothing more than a ra ra ra American propaganda movie.

'Murica

 I expected something similar with Lone Survivor, but I was pleasantly surprised both by the acting and the story line.  Of course I expected the action scenes to be top notch, and in that regard I wasn’t disappointed.

The Plot

Operation Red Wings is basically an assassination mission.  A squad of four soldiers are sent behind enemy lines to seek out and eliminate a notorious Taliban terrorist leader.  They have intel that indicates he is residing in a small mountain village, guarded heavily.  The intel proves true as the squad positively IDs their mark, unfortunately the mountains persistently interfere with their coms, eliminating their ability to communication with their commander.  They are forced to move up the mountain, hoping to re-establish communications.  After another failed attempt at opening the coms, the squad must dig in and get some shuteye.  

A sharp snap in the woods acts as a rude awakening to the sleeping soldiers.  An old man and two young boys inadvertently wander into the wrong neck of the woods while herding their goats.  One misstep and the squads position is compromised, forcing them to act.  A difficult choice lies ahead; kill the three intruders, one of which is a clear Taliban informant, or let them unharmed.  After much debate, morality wins out and the prisoners are released.  The squad couldn’t have anticipated one of the boys was a parcour champion, racing down the mountain to inform the Taliban of the unwanted American visitors.  Within hours, Taliban troops descend upon the squad, and the marines are in the gunfight of their lives.  Will it be their last?  According to the title, things don’t look good for 75% of the lads. 

My Take

Spoiler, there is only one survivor in Lone Survivor.  I’m curious as to who thought it would be a good idea to name the film that.  Don’t get me wrong, the movie is great, but the title itself is a major spoiler.  If you’re one of the squad mates hoping to survive a movie called Lone Survivor and you look to your left and see one of your mates is Mark Wahlberg, you know you’re fucked. 

I think I may be the Lone Survivor

The title also totally negates Wahlberg’s dramatic will he/won’t he death scene, especially when he is the one narrating it, essentially telling us “yo don’t sweat it, I survive!”  Being based on a true story, some people may have already known the outcome of the film.  Personally I didn’t know a thing about Operation Red Wings prior to this movie (as I’m sure a lot of other folks didn’t either), so the film could have maybe hidden the ending a bit more for us noobs.  That being said, there were a ton of surprises along the way, though the ending was never in doubt.

I was happy that the film took enough time with each character to make them likable before they inevitably die.  Incredibly, I went through phases in which every soldier was my favorite at one point during the film.  Though I didn’t fall for the “we all have wives at home” relationships that were forced down our throats early on, it was the fact that they all proved to be total badasses that I though made each marine memorable.    

I would also like to congradulate Taylor Kitsch for making his first good movie in a while.  Dude seriously had a rough stretch of flops recently and I am glad to see he’s clawing his way back into the light.

Except these, these ones were good right guys....guys

Though this movie starts slow, the buildup is worth it.  The firefights felt real, and every headshot was completely satisfying.  There weren’t a lot of jump cuts or shaky camera tricks, enhancing the realism.  The scenes with soldiers falling down cliffs were very intense and you could almost feel the bone crushing impacts.  .  Usually in action films, the hero absorbs bullets and sustains bone breaks like they’re nothing, simply wrapping them up and forgetting about them minutes later.  The amount of abuse the marines took before they broke was incredible, though you could definitely tell they felt the pain. 

The Verdict

Both the story and the action were great.  At two hours the movie didn’t overdo it, nothing pisses me off more than sitting through a needlessly long movie (I’m looking at you Robin Hood).  Lone Survivor is the best war movie I’ve seen in a long time, and is definitely worth a watch.  All the respect in the world to the men and women who serve.

8.0/10