R.I.P.D

R.I.P.D

Lord save us.  If you’re a fan of the Men in Black movies, prepare to have your soul raped by this unapologetic rip off.  It is eerily similar to the M.I.B movies, but without any of the redeeming qualities or charm of its predecessor. 

Men in Black? Never heard of it.

Bear with me, I lost interest in this film and got drunk after about 35 minutes, but I did take some drunken notes to help me write this.

The Plot

Nick (Ryan Reynolds) and Hayes (Kevin Bacon) are partners on the Boston Police Force who are a touch dirty.  One day while on a raid, Hayes decides to waste Nick for seemingly no reason whatsoever.  Nick, being the main character of this atrocity, can’t die this early can he?  Unfortunately no, he can’t.  He finds himself in an interrogation room, and almost without question, accepts the fact that he must serve 100 years for the undead police force called the R.I.P.D. (Rest In Peace Department).  The R.I.P.D serves the department of Eternal Affairs by apprehending the undead that roam the earth disguised as humans, referred to as Deados (yeah seriously).  

Nick, being a street savvy, modern police officer, is paired with the most unorthodox, old school officer the R.I.P.D has (kind of like in MIB where Smith, the street savvy cop is paired with the old scool…. Nevermind).  Jeff Bridges plays Roy, a revolver toting, western abomination of a law enforcer.  The two begin tracking down Deados and immediately stumble upon a huge conspiracy in which the Deados are willing to die (or I guess go to Hell or whatever) to collect specific pieces of gold.  This is where I gave up and began to drink heavily.  After following some leads, in which Nick is an effective investigator and Roy is all but useless (and fucking annoying), the boys stumble onto Nick’s old partner Hayes, who appears to be working for the Deados.  The Deados plan to piece together a gold portal to bring all the Deados down from heaven and infest the earth for some reason that is never entirely explained.  Can our beloved R.I.P.D force stop them? 

My Take

I started watching this movie confused, and continued to watch confused until the credits rolled.  Who was this film made for?  There are tons of cartoonish action scenes where we feel forced to charitably give pity laughs when somebody is hit in the face repeatedly, or shot in the bum, or if a fat person is fat.

As you can see, fat person is very fat.  Start laughing NOW!!

  Meanwhile Roy is flying all over the place cheering and emitting one liners through his horrific and unintelligible accent.  There are a couple disconnected romantic scenes between Nick and his girlfriend which indicates that at least part of this film had adults in mind.  The rest of this movie suggests it was made for kids ages 5-9. 

Ryan Reynolds mails in the same character he always does (good looking, charismatic and oh so cool).  If I didn’t know better I would say he used a body double and they just CG’d his face from Blade Trinity onto it.  The reason I know they didn’t do that was because the CG in this film was utterly terrible and there is no way that they could pull that off.

Again with the comedy in this film.  There is a difference between clever irony and slapstick.  Reynolds being hit in the face is slapstick.  Bridges flying around all over the place hoofing and hollering is slapstick. 

CG hair, Seriously?

Reynolds being portrayed as a Chinese man is slapstick, and possibly racist (the Deado’s main weakness is Indian food, so definitely racist).

The Deados are formed out of pure awfulness.  They are basically retarded and fail miserably at everything they try to do.  Every time Reynolds or Bridges wastes one of them, I feel a little bit bad about myself.  No matter what they are called, the mentally challenged deserve better than to be shot point blank in the face while they are muttering nonsense.  Heroes are supposed to face some kind of adversity at some point in a film, and overcome it.  In this movie, the only adversity the duo faces is who gets to shoot more of the mentally delayed Deados in the face.  If you’re going to say Reynold’s girlfriend getting captured is an adversity come on, she would have never been captured in the first place if she wasn’t hoping to hump Kevin Bacon. 

The Verdict

If you have kids and don’t care at all about quality of film, this movie is probably ok, except they swear so maybe not.  I still don’t really get it and I’m not sure how anybody really enjoyed this film.  The only good thing I read about this movie is that it’s not as bad as everyone says, that’s not a compliment people.   I found myself grimacing uncomfortably so many times throughout this movie.  I feel bad for Ryan Reynolds, and I hope he manages to come out with a good movie at some point in his career.

3/10

The Evil Dead (2013)

The Evil Dead (2013)

First off, let me start by saying that this movie is not a remake. Aside from the cabin and the book of the dead it shares almost no similarities with the first one. Upon its release this movie was literally crucified by critics and common viewers alike. It seemed as though every hipster with a basic understanding of the English language and a MacBook had posted a whiny review about how it ‘didn’t stay true’ to the original. Well fuck, maybe that’s because it isn’t the original. Times have changed, cameras have improved along with special effects, and the need for an actual compelling storyline and characters has become a necessity. If you watch this movie, think of it as independent from the original; consider it a distant cousin or something. I understand that in its time the original Evil Dead was ground-breaking and it totally changed the horror genre, creating an entire generation of loyal fans, but times have changed. The steam engine was pretty fucking ground-breaking as well but we don’t use it anymore because compared to modern technology it fucking sucks. If the original Evil Dead had been released in 2013 everybody would shit on it as it subtly made its way to the bottom of the $5 movie bin at Wal-Mart.

Summary

The beginning of this movie is one of my all-time favorites. The opening sequence follows a young girl being chased through the woods by a pair of backwoods freaks. The ensuing chaos is one for the horror movie record books, I will leave it at that.

The film focusses primarily on the relationship of David (Shiloh Fernandez) and Mia (Jane Levy) a brother and sister with a less than perfect family history. Haunted by the death of her mentally insecure mother, Mia turns to drugs to relieve the pain. After she overdoses on what I can only assume to be heroine, her childhood best-friends Olivia (Jessica Lucas) and Eric (Lou Taylor Pucci) stage their own little intervention and take her to the old family cabin located in the middle of fucking nowhere. Olivia, who is a registered nurse, is strapped with the tiresome duty of easing Mia through the process of kicking her addiction. Eric is a school teacher who is basically just there for emotional support, and David, who has been absent for the majority of Mia’s adult life, takes a literal guilt trip to the cabin with his girlfriend Natalie (Elizabeth Blackmore) and his old faithful dog Grandpa. Upon their arrival they are greeted with a little bit of attitude from Eric, which tells us that maybe David hasn’t been the world’s greatest friend lately. After only a few short hours in the cabin Mia’s behaviour pattern turns into that of a fiending drug addict.  She looks like shit (but still kind of hot)

Sexy can I?

and continuously complains about a rotten smell in the cabin. Un-surprisingly her friends refute her complaints, explaining that she is just extremely sensitive. Grandpa however is not so easily fooled.  He does some sniffing around and leads David to a trap door in the floor of the cabin. In classic horror movie style Scooby and the gang  David and his friends venture into the depths of the shitty cabin and discover an even shittier surprise in the basement. Hanging from the roof are dozens of rotting, animal corpses (mostly cats), and an extremely suspicious looking book wrapped in barbed wire and garbage bags. This strange discovery peaks the interest of Eric and he makes the brilliant decision to open and read the book, which clearly says “LEAVE THIS BOOK ALONE”. Eric’s curiosity results in a dark evil to be awakened, and after a strange rape scene involving Mia and some vegetation, people start dying.

Mia is a screamer

My Take

I really fucking loved this movie honestly, the special effects are beyond impressive and the sheer brutality of the film really drew me in. I was extremely excited by the fact that the subplot of the movie focussed on the relationship between David and Mia rather than David and Natalie.  I felt that the chemistry they share as siblings was very convincing and relatable. With two older brothers of my own I definitely empathized with David’s situation, and understood his reluctance to let go of his sister. David’s determination to save Mia’s life really brought his character to life. In addition to that, the movie broke new ground by pitting a group of best friends against each other, rather than allowing them to work together  to defeat impending evil. The demon who manifests himself in the form of David’s friends does an impressive job of playing on his weaknesses, transitioning from an insane, bloodthirsty monster to an innocent and confused victim in the matter of a few seconds. The story did have a few plot holes, and I will be the first to admit that. The slutty demon dialogue can be a little much to handle at times (although it does offer a modicum of comic relief), and I was a little disappointed that there wasn’t that much effort put into building the character relationships (aside from David and Mia). This movie is also no stranger to gore, but then again neither was the original. I didn’t feel as though the violence was over-done at all, but I did hear plenty of complaints about it as I left the theater. In my opinion the violence and gore were perfectly tuned to the movie. The action scenes are more than cringe worthy, and the special effects never even faltered in my eyes, which is pretty impressive considering the movie used almost no CG animation at all. The Evil Dead has definitely earned a spot in my horror collection, I would suggest that you give the movie a watch and do the same.

8/10

The Conjuring (2013)

The Conjuring (2013)

I was finally able to get my hands on a copy of this year’s highly touted horror film The Conjuring.  I’ve heard nothing but great things about this movie and admittedly, I was scared before I even started to watch it.  I wasn’t disappointed, but at the same time this wasn’t exactly what I was expecting.  I didn’t know anything about the plot going in, I just knew that it was a James Wan film meaning it was likely going to be terrifying. The most unsettling part of the film is the “based on a true story” tag that it proudly displays.

The Plot

Ed and Lorraine Warren aren’t your normal everyday couple.  They are a happily married team of Paranormal Investigators who pursue cases of haunting all across the country.  Ed (Patrick Wilson) is a renowned demonologist, while his wife Lorraine (Vera Farmiga) is a talented Clairvoyant.  The two form a very effective team having resolved hundreds of cases together, but their biggest challenge lies ahead in the form of the Perron family.  The Perron’s are a large family of seven, with two loving parents and five young daughters.  Terrible right, and I haven’t even gotten to the scary part yet.

It's called a condom Jackass!

One evening, while playing a game of hide and clap, one of the girls stumbles into a closet and discovers a hidden stairway to a dark and terrifying basement.  “Why was it boarded up?  Is it dangerous down there?” a normal person might ask.  Fuck it, its storage space now.  After that night, the haunting begins, subtle at first.  The youngest daughter claims to have a new imaginary friend, which leads me to wonder, “Why the fuck do little kids always befriend the terrifying demon?” 

Hello Friend!

 Two of the other daughters are experiencing difficulty in the new house as well.  One of the girls has taken to strolling the house in the dead of night, pausing only to bang her head rhythmically on a massive wardrobe.  The other see's a demon standing in her doorway.  Soon it is evident that something malevolent is going on.  Mrs. Perron however seems to be getting the worst of it.  She wakes up every morning with fresh bruises.  I know I wasn’t the only one giving Mr. Perron a long judging look, but apparently the demon is in fact responsible for the marks.

Yeah it was the uh, demon.  It donkey punched her I saw it.

  Later, while exploring the crazy terrifying new basement alone one evening, Mrs. Warren gets locked in.  The lights go out and she is trapped down there with the demon.  She is never the same afterwards, but she does have the foresight to seek the help of our beloved ghost hunting tandem.

And there ain't no Scooby Snacks!

My Take

This movie is scary as fuck.  It’s not quite as good as Sinister, which I could watch everyday, but it is definitely in the same league.  It has a similar feel to the Amityville Horror, which is cool because Ed and Lorrain investigated that case as well. 

The special effects were good.  The use of CG was limited in this film, giving it a more authentic feel, though the scene where one of the daughters gets dragged along the floor by her hair is a bit cheesy.  I loved the make up for the demons and ghosts.  Wan’s signature pale faced ghosts are always terrifying.  I liked that this film didn’t rely on “found footage,” but it could have used it a bit more in a few scenes to add jump scares.  This film has the makings to become a respectable cult classic, and it makes for one hell of a horror thriller. 

It still disturbs me that this film is based on a true story.  In one scene, the Warrens doing a presentation to an auditorium full of people, including Mrs. Perron.  The camera pans across the audience and right front and center is an elderly woman.  I was like who is this old bitch and what is she doing at a presentation about exorcism, shouldn’t she be put playing bridge somewhere?  It turns out this scene is a cameo, and the old woman is the real life Lorraine Warren.  Foot in mouth, respect to Lorraine Warren.   

Overall The Conjuring is an excellent film, worthy of the hype it received.  The progressive storytelling and chilling scares are very well done.  I really wish I would have seen this one in theaters to get the full effect of the scares, but even at home, this movie still holds up and manages to scare you.

Also this

8.5/10

Gravity (2013)

Gravity (2013)

Icarus also flew too close to the sun

I went into this film with very high expectations.  IMDB has this movie at 8.7 stars, and Metascore had it at an even higher 96, that’s 96 out of 100.  With ratings like that I expect a pretty damn good movie.  I was a bit let down, but I admit that would be largely because of all of the massive hype surrounding this Sci-Fi thriller.  Interesting fact, Robert Downey Jr. and Angelina Jolie were originally cast to play Kowalski and Stone respectively.  It would be interesting to see how different that film would have been.

The Plot

The ambiguously named Ryan Stone (Sandra Bullock) is on her first spacewalk.  Luckily for her she is accompanied by grizzled space veteran Lt. Matt Kowalski (George Clooney).  Also on the mission is a goofy East Indian astronaut (don’t get too attached to this character).  They are midway through doing some routine maintenance work on a satellite when the unthinkable happens.  Well not exactly, we all knew something horrible would happen.  Disaster strikes in the form of a satellite being blown to bits by a Russian Missile.

Fucking Russians

 This results in a shit storm or shrapnel speeding towards the crew at lethal speeds.  During the onslaught, Stone is knocked off the satellite and sent hurtling into the vast emptiness of space (but it is oh so beautiful). That covers approximately the first twenty minutes of the movie.  No more spoilers from this guy, let’s just get into the pros and cons of this film.

My Take

Obviously the CG is second to none.  This is a remarkably beautiful film.  If you are interested at all in seeing beautiful backgrounds, go see this film.  All the events in this film, though not based on a true story, is entirely scientifically possible. 

I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious

Bullock won a bunch of awards for her performance, and she needed to bring it because if we didn’t like her character there is literally nothing else in this film.

In this movies case, action isn’t everything.  It had long, quiet lulls between the three or four major action scenes, but they effectively portrayed the utter silence and hauntingly lonely nature of space.  I’ll be the first to admit, it’s not the most pleasurable use of screen time, but it succeeded in putting us in the character’s shoes.

I suppose I would have liked to learn more about the characters back stories to help fill in the lulls.  Stone and Kowalski banter briefly about their lives, but we don’t learn too much about either character.  So basically there is no subplot, there is just the main story about a surviving space disaster.  There is little to no comedic relief after the first twenty minutes, dramatically increasing the already uncomfortable tension in this film.

The Verdict

I never wanted to be an astronaut because I’m scared shitless of space; this movie definitely intensified my fear. 

This is one of my greatest nightmares

Upon first entering the theatre I was very uncomfortable as I didn’t know what to expect.  Just the utter sense of being alone out there and the overwhelming vastness and darkness of space is almost too much to handle.  There isn’t a lot of action, but this isn’t exactly an action movie.  The drama is there, the action (when appropriate) is there, and more than anything the tension is there.  The movie leaves you with an empty feeling throughout, matching the empty feeling of space.  It is, brilliantly shot, though the lulls in action will bore some.  A good movie, but not the masterpiece I was led to believe it would be.  Ultimately there is a huge list of movies I would rather watch again than this one.  It is a great experience in theatres, but it would be hard to enjoy it on DVD.  Basically, if you are going to see it, you might as well see it in theatres where it can be enjoyed properly.  Bring a snack for those lulls though.

7.8/10

Oblivion (2013)

Oblivion (2013)

Oblivion is Tom Cruise’s latest action movie, at least I think it is.  He seems to poop out action flicks like birds poop on nice cars.  Upon seeing the trailer I yelled “Another generic Tom Cruise action movie, sign me up!”   Just kidding, I gave it almost as much attention as I give my Wii console.  Inevitably, it showed up on my recommended films list on IMDB, so I decided to give it a shot.  Here’s what I thought.

The Plot

The year is 2077.  The moon has been destroyed by a rogue alien species known as the Scavs.  After the slew of natural disasters directly caused by the destruction of the moon, the Scavs have moved onto earth, and began a war with the humans, presumably for resources.  The Scavs prove to be a lethal foe.  Left with no choice the humans launch their nukes, effectively destroying what was left of the planet and rendering it extremely radioactive and inhospitable.  The remaining human’s evacuate Earth to live temporarily on the massive space station orbiting the planet known as Tet.  After a while the humans begin to colonize Saturn’s largest moon Titan.  After the events that transpired, all surviving humans were subject to a mandatory memory wipe.

Nothing fishy about that at all

Jack Reacher Jack Harper (played by Tom Cruise) is one of the last humans remaining on earth.  He and his partner Victoria (Andrea Riseborough) are responsible for harvesting Earth’s remaining resources and maintaining the drones that patrol the desolate planet.  They live together in a pristine white tower that rests above the clouds, overlooking the vast desert landscape below.  They work under strict regulations and are constantly under scrutiny as to whether they are an effective team by Sally, the government official assigned to give them their orders.  Jack is content with his job, though he often has dreams about what Earth was like before the attack including flash memories of a woman he’s never met.  He dismisses them nothing more than dreams, as the memory wipe would make it impossible for them to be actual memories.

One morning, Jack heads out to investigate a downed drone and finds that it was attacked by a party of Scavs that still roam Earth.  Jack follows a lead and ends up in a hole in the ground surrounded by Scavs.  With the help of one of his drones, Jack is able to escape, but not before finding a book in the rubble.  He also finds a Scav beacon, sending out some coordinates into space.

The fuck is this shit?

After surviving his encounter, Jack decides he needs to relax.  Avoiding the clearly identified Radiation zones, he heads to the lush green patch of beautiful lake front property where he likes to kick back (he is obviously breaking the strict regulations he is under).  His cabin is filled with remnants of the old world, and I mean a lot older than 2014.  This dude still rocks vinyl records in 2077, talk about old school.  He is out relaxing in his front yard when he sees a ship rocketing towards earth.  His boss Sally demands that he let the drones take care of the crash site, but he decides to investigate the site anyway, which happened to be on the exact coordinates that were being transmitted from the Scav beacon.  Among the wreckage are several life forms, all humans in cryo sleep.  Before long the drones swoop in and start mowing down the survivors.  Jack manages to save only one of the survivors, a female named Julia, who he takes back to his tower.  We immediately recognise her as the girl from his wet dreams. 

Julia claims to have been in cyro sleep for over 60 years, and that she will tell Jack everything about her mission, but only if they go back to the crash site and recover a recording.  Jack, ignoring Victoria’s protests, takes Julia back to the crash site, only to be ambushed by Scavs.  Oh no!

***SPOILERS*** Don’t read on unless you’ve seen the film.

Surprise, the Scavs turn out to be humans.  I was very unsurprised by this, and even less surprised to find that their leader is Morgan Freeman, he seems the obvious choice to me.   The Scavs claim to be freedom fighters, rebelling against Tet.  They claim to know the truth behind everything that has happened, including the memory wipes.  They will allow Jack to learn the secrets for his help in their plot to destroy Tet using a nuke and a scavenged drone.  Will Jack be swayed by the Scavs to turn his back on everything he believed in? 

My Take

This film actually exceeded my expectations.  I’ll start with the positives.  I really liked the later plot twists, even though I saw them coming.  This story, though a bit predictable, was a good addition to the growing number of apocalypse themed movies.  It reminded me a lot of The Island because of the clones discovering what they are, leading them to question everything they know.  When Jack discovers that the “Radiation Zones” are actually just other plots of lands being guarded by other Jacks, it felt fulfilling and right, probably because we were all already extremely suspicious of what the hell was going on.  The storyline was good, and though it was a bit confusing at first, it ties up nicely at the end.  I liked the performances of Nikolaj Coster-Waldau and Morgan Freeman as the Scav leaders.  I also thought the scenery was beautiful and stunning, especially the scenes revolving around the impressive superstructure Tet. 

Now the negatives:  I wasn’t impressed with Tom Cruise’s performance as Jack.  I thought that if they could have cast a lesser known actor to play Jack’s part then this film would have had a more unique feel to it, making it stand out more.  The character of Jack Harper will be just another Tom Cruise character that blends into all of his others. 

Although he deserved an award for his character in Tropic Thunder

The plot of this story absolutely screams conspiracy/cover up.  You know that the government, or whoever is in charge, is hiding something major.  The mandatory memory wipe immediately lets you know that something fishy is going on.  Jack’s preference for old things (old relative to 2013, not even 2077) also informs us that he must have been flash frozen from our generation.  If he really was just a 40 something man living in 2077, how would he know anything about vinyl records, books, football, fishing or anything else from before the invasion.  He listens to old music from the 80’s.  In 2077, Skrillex and Miley Cyrus will be the classics that old people fondly remember (as absolutely fucked up as that sounds).

The Scavs couldn’t be any more obviously human.  They put on some cool Darth Vader helmets, but they are still clearly not an advanced alien species.

Do you see a face?  It must be aliens!!

The biggest disappointment for me was the final battle scene.   Jack manages to get inside Tet with the bomb in tow, and Sally just lets him in.  Sally has ample opportunities to blast Jack out of the sky and replace him with another Jack, easy as pie, but she doesn’t even try for some reason.  She even warns Jack that she knows he’s lying, but still does nothing.  When Jack reveals that he has a bomb with him, Sally, Who turns out to be an alien floating triangle thing, doesn’t even order the drones to attack.  She just takes it like a bitch and lets Jack get the last word and blow them all to Oblivion!  A very anticlimactic ending if you ask me, but it did tie up the story nicely.

The Verdict

This film has elements of good and bad.  It is, as I alluded to earlier, just another Tom Cruise action movie, this time in space.   It’s decent, but not good enough to become a classic.  It will be washed down by the overflow of big budget films that are coming down the pipeline, and in a couple years most people will barely remember this flick.  That being said, it is a decent futuristic action movie that can be entertaining, and the story will hold some value for Sci-fi fans.

6.8/10

After Earth (2013)

After Earth (2013)

Ugh, where do I even start with this abortion of a movie?  If you like over hyped, disappointing pieces of shit, then this movie is for you.  The sad part is I was actually excited to see this when the trailers started coming out.  “This,” I said in my most anticipatory voice, “is a film I will be seeing opening night!”  Flash forward a couple months and I’m searching on the internet, trying to find out when After Earth is coming to a theater near me, only to find out that I fucking missed it.  Apparently, as soon as this movie hit theaters, all of the hype and positive reviews ceased and I never heard another thing about it.  That, ladies and gentlemen is not a good sign.  I, being a touch masochistic when it comes to films, decided to give it a go anyway.  Mistakes were made, this film was one of them.

The Plot

We are shown a very brief intro to the world that people now live in.  Earth has apparently rejected people, forcing them to vacate in favour of a new planet creatively named Nova Prime.  Unfortunately, Nova Prime is already inhabited by a life form that the colonists refer to as Ursa.  Ursa is basically a big spider creature that smells pheromones released through fear and uses its supreme sense of smell to zero in on humans and kill them.

This is what they came up with...

 You know that an Ursa is in your area if you find your friends hanging dead from trees as this is the creatures ‘signature’.

Jaden Smith tries to star as Kitai, a young person (far too young) training to become a ranger like his father Cypher (Will Smith).  Kitai, as utterly unbelievable as it sounds, is the head of his class, and hopes to be promoted to a full-fledged ranger by the time his father returns from duty.  His commander, smartly and with just cause, refuses to promote him to ranger.  He believes that Kitai won’t be able to translate his in classroom knowledge to a real ranging.  Basically all we’ve been shown of Kitai’s talents to this point is his ability to run with zero athletic coordination or drive (apparently this is his strong suit, Lord help us).  Kitai also shows off his knowledge by referring to the Ursas as aliens when in this case the humans (as the invasive species) are the aliens, and the Ursas are the natives.  No wonder he failed ranger school.  The kid is also like 12, you’d think there would be some kind of law against sending a pre-pubescent sperm burp like Jaden Smith out to save people’s lives.

Kitai’s father Cypher returns from his mission and is upset that his son is such a failure.  Cypther is a famous warrior who developed the main method for killing Ursas.  It’s called ghosting, where he shows no fear, thus releasing no pheromones he is invisible to the Ursa and can kill it with his “Cutlass.”

Apparently guns are too mainstream

Yeah it’s fucking stupid.  Because Cypher doesn’t experience fear, it also means he doesn’t have access to other emotions and always speaks in a steady monotone.  Kitai’s mom wants him and his father to bond so she tells Cypher to bring his loser son on his next mission with him.

The mission is simple, escort a captured Ursa someplace then who knows, study it?  Doesn't really matter because suddenly, their ship is hit by asteroids.  This is where the film loses me.  Cypher explains what is happening using 90% made up words, then the ship crash lands on Earth.  All of the crew is killed except Cypher and Kitai.  Cypher is wounded in the crash so it’s up to Kitai to venture 100 km across earth to find the other half of the ship where their only hope of rescue, a transmitting beacon, lies somewhere among the wreckage.  Cypher explains that Earth has been labeled as unfit for human habitation and that every living thing has evolved to kill people (pretty awesome sounding right).  Cypher warns his son that the Ursa may also have survived the crash and could be out there somewhere (and we all know that fucking thing escaped). 

My Take

There are only two redeeming qualities in this film; the beautiful scenery and every scene where someone yells at Jaden or makes him cry. 

I wanted to be in Avatar

Now onto the negatives, and there are lots of them.  The acting is very, very bad.  Jaden plays a whiny little bitch and Will plays a wooden, emotionless dick.  The Smith family produced this film so that explains how Jaden was cast as the lead.  In my opinion, Kitai’s part needed to be given to someone a little older, someone who you could actually believe would be in Ranger school.  Jaden is a little kid, no matter how they dress him up or the constantly quizzical looks he uses, it’s not going to change the fact we can’t take this babby seriously.

Get used to this face, because unless he's crying, this is his whole range

Not only is Jaden’s acting atrocious but his character is horrible too.  He wants to be a ranger, but he has no skills, knowledge or physical expertise in the area of survival, like at all.  As soon as they crash on Earth, he immediately freaks out and sits motionless by his dad until he wakes up.  Then, the moment he leaves the safety of the space craft he freezes up in terror and has to be talked down by his daddy.  When he encounters an animal for the first time he loses his shit and almost gets gang raped by baboons.  The first slug he runs into almost kills him.  Basically, whenever Kitai faces a life threatening situation he either flukes his way through it or is saved at the last minute by something (usually his dad, who is watching his progress through cameras somehow).  Kitai’s dad basically guides him all the way to his destination step by step while the kid bitches and whines about everything.  Without his father, Kitai is nothing (kind of like how in real life without Will, Jaden is nothingl).  What did Kitai learn in ranger school anyway?  What did he excel at that made him top of his class?  We never find out because Kitai never uses anything involving skill to survive any situation.  He can’t even swim good.

As if they needed to make it worse, Kitai speaks with a strange accent throughout the whole film.  I’m guessing the director told him to use a space accent, but it ends up sounding more like a speech impediment. 

The film itself, as I said before, has beautiful scenery.  Unfortunately Will’s one liner “everything on Earth has evolved to hill humans,” helped ruined this movie for me, because it was such an awesome idea but it ultimately falls flat.  They could have done so much if they would have focused on Kitai utilizing the skills he learned in ranger school to survive in the harsh habitat.  EVERYTHING should have included plants and trees that kill, animals that are more vicious than modern day animals.  Most of the animals seen in this film are basically ordinary except for a giant eagle that ultimately ends up saving Jaden at one point in the film.  Jaden is attacked by lions that are approximately Jaden sized, meaning little bitch lions. 

How does this in anyway optimize their human killing potential?

There are some average sized baboons, a hyena and a snake, all look relatively unevolved and don’t exactly go out of their way to try to kill Jaden

The only way to save this film would have been to cut out all of the GHEY shit between Cypher and Kitai.  It would have been as easy as killing Cypher off in the crash, and leaving Kitai to find a way to survive alone.  The only purpose Cypher serves in this film anyway is to deliver wooden lines, explain key plot points to the audience and dictate Kitai’s every move (which if he really was head of his class in Ranger School, would have been unnecessary). 

The Verdict

I’ve had enough, this movie fucking sucks.  Just don’t watch it.  I’m happy I missed it in theaters because I would have straight thrown my popcorn on the floor in protest, then I would have had to sit through this entire shitty movie hungry (I’m too poor to walk out of movies, so my protests are very weak).

3.6/10

Pacific Rim (2013)

Pacific Rim (2013)

I’m still unsure about this film, but I really enjoyed it, so I guess that means it is alright.  Written and directed by Guillermo Del Toro, I thought this film to be a bit outside his norm.  Del T is primarily known for contributing to childhood horror films such as Pan’s Labyrinth, Mama, Don’t be Afraid of the Dark and The Orphanage to name a few.  He did dabble with action a bit with the Hellboy Franchise.  Because of Del Toro’s intriguing writing and directing style, I was excited to see what he could do with a high intensity, heavily CG action movie.

The Plot

The world is under attack by a new threat, 250 foot tall monsters called Kaiju that seem to come from the darkest depths of the sea, seeking to destroy everything in their paths.  Missiles, helicopters, fighter jets and tanks all seem to be ineffective in combatting this new enemy.  After suffering heavy losses from the first Kaiju attack, the humans were finally able to bring the huge monster down.  Realizing they are seriously unprepared to deal with this monstrous threat, countries from around the world set their best and brightest to work to try to find a new way to defend themselves from the vicious Kaiju.  They eventually come up with the idea to fight fire with fire, in this case, fight the 250 foot monsters with 250 foot robots.  

This is what happens when Japan is allowed to make decisions

These machines, called Jaegers, are controlled through a neural connection with a human pilot.  Testing found that the neural connection caused too much strain on a single pilot, so they engineered the Jaegers to be controlled by multiple pilots.  The pilots need to sync up and share their memories though a digital process called The Drift to better be able to predict each other’s movements and be able to control the Jaeger. 

The next time a Kaiju rears its ugly head, the humans put up a better fight, successfully killing the Kaiju with their shiny new Jaeger.   After successfully defending their turf, Jaegers are put into mass production and soon every coastal region is under the protection by the robots.

The humans become adept at killing Kaiju, but after every attack, the Kaiju attacks grow more brutal and more frequent.  The rapture on the ocean floor, through which they emerge is opening wider and wider, allowing Kaiju larger in size and number to come through.  Soon the Jaegers are losing more often than winning, and it is clear the Kaiju have regained the upper hand.  The leaders of the world are left no choice but to ditch the Jaeger program and instead focus their efforts on building a giant wall to keep the Kaiju out. 

Enter retired pilot Raleigh Becket (Charlie Hunman), who after losing his brother and co-pilot years ago in one of the last Jaeger vs. Kaiju battles is now among the many poor blokes fortifying the massive wall.  He is recruited by former commander Stacked Pentecost (Idris Elba) to aid in bringing back the Jaeger program.  There are only 4 functioning Jaegers remaining and Pentecost, though no longer being founded by the government, believes these to be the only hope humanity has for survival.  They have all been through their fair share of battles, and are all manned by talented pilots.  Raleigh is reluctant to step into a Jaeger again after the loss of his brother, but after the escalating violence of the Kaiju attacks, he seems to have no choice.  Besides, Pentecost pairs him up with an Asian hottie.

What I imagine Siri looks like

Oh and if you were wondering, the giant wall works about as good as you would expect.  It held up for about ten minutes before a category 4 Kaiju (whatever that means) breaks through and starts to demolish the city.  The human race is in trouble now, facing a real Dog’s Breakfast if they don’t find some new way to combat the steadily growing threat of the Kaiju.

My Take

The story is a bit silly, I’ll be the first to admit that, and the characters aren’t exactly polished, but I don’t feel the least bit ashamed to say that I enjoyed this movie for what it was.  The visuals were great, and I felt that the Kaiju had a distinct Del Toro nature about them.

I'll set fire to the rain!!!

Throughout the whole movie, however, I felt like the Jaegers were fighting with a handicap.  Seriously are these Jaegers armed with any kind of weaponry?  Through the multiple battles we witness, about 90% of the Jaeger attacks are punches and throws.  There is once scene where Raleigh’s Jaeger finally uses a sword, but after effectively cutting up one Kaiju, he puts it away and never uses it again.  He also likes to use a kind of plasma beam that is about as useful as a potato gun.  Surely if they can build 250 foot robots, they can at least give them effective guns and design a style of combat that focuses on using weaponry rather than relying on punches.

"Yeah, just scale those up and we'll be fine"

There is a subplot, where a pair of scientists attempt to learn from the Kaiju to develop better ways to defeat them.  I thought this provided a good amount of background info on the monsters, but I am still confused about their classification system.  I guess the higher the class the more dangerous the Kaiju? 

At first I thought the dual pilot system was stupid, and was only there to create some semblance of a love story between Raleigh and his female co-pilot, Mako.  This may indeed be the case, but Del Toro created a believable enough explanation for the dual pilot system for me to forget about my theory until just now.

The Verdict

There is a scene where the Autobots Rollout Jaegers form up and head out into the ocean to fight a pair of Kaiju.  This scene WILL get you excited.  Also there is a scene where a Jaeger strikes a Kaiju in the face with a bus like he’s smacking a hooker in GTA.  These scenes, along with the Ron Perlman scenes are worth the price of admission. If you don’t learn any life lessons or gain any moral insight from this movie, good, because that’s not what it’s about anyway.   The precedence for cinema these days tells us that you don’t need to have a good story when you have robot smacking bitches with busses.  We’ll all (myself included) buy tickets anyway. 

7.4/10

The Lords of Salem (2012)

The Lords of Salem (2012)

It’s October, so I thought I would watch a newish horror movie to kick off my favorite month.  The Lords of Salem is the most recent, and unfortunately the final film to be released by Rob Zombie.  The musician has written and directed several movies in his brief cinematic career, each receiving different levels of praise.  Of his original pieces, both House of 1000 Corpses and The Devil’s Rejects were relatively well received.  He’s also directed both of the most recent Halloween movies.  I thought Halloween was very well done, but Halloween 2 was trash.  The kind of trash that doesn’t even make it to the garbage, it just sits beside the can for a couple days until a racoon or something drags it off into the woods.  For Rob Zombie fans, there are tons of recognisable faces in this film as Rob taps into his group of friends to fill out the cast for The Lords of Salem.

The Plot

We are greeted by a disturbing opening scene portraying a very cultish looking ceremony involving a bunch of dirty, naked broads (not in a good way) and a goat.  Smells like witchcraft, we are in Salem after all. 

Flash forward several hundred years and we are in modernish times.  Heidi, (Sherri Moon Zombie, Duh) is a radio DJ, working in Salem.  She and her fellow DJ’s run an alternative radio station that is open to anything.  On the way to work one morning, Heidi notices an odd tenant has moved into the creepy room down the hall, number 5.  Later that evening, after work, a strange wooden box is left for Heidi labeled “a gift from The Lords.”  Within the box is a vinyl record.  Heidi assumes The Lords are a local band trying to get some air time so she takes the record home and listens to it with her fellow DJ Whitey (Jeff Daniel Phillips).  The music is very strange and disturbing, sounding like it is being played with broken string instruments, though it has a profound effect on Heidi.  She slips into a kind of trance and begins to see some terrifying visions of witchcraft.  Once the music is stopped she snaps out of it.

The next evening the radio show has a special guest, a novelist named Francis Matthias, who wrote one of the many books about the Salem witch trials.  After a brief and awkward conversation with Matthias, the DJ’s decide to play the strange record for their audience.  They believe The Lords to be a local band, hence they refer to them as The Lords of Salem.  The music strikes a chord with the females who are tuned into the radio station, causing them all to freak out, similar to the way Heidi reacted earlier.  At home, Heidi continues to notice strange things around room 5.

We don't talk about what happens in room 5

Francis senses something strange is happening after he recognises the tune from a journal he’d seen before while researching his book.  He seeks out a specialist on the Salem Witch Trials for some answers.  The specialist reveals that the most prominent witch cult in Salem was referred to as The Lords.  They were sentenced to be burned alive by Rev. John Hawthorne.  As the head witch burned to a crisp she cursed Hawthorne, claiming his bloodline would be responsible for the birth of the Devil’s child. 

Meanwhile Heidi, whose real name is just so happens to be Adelheid Hawthorne, continues to see visions of the witches in her dreams, leading us to conclude that she is indeed of Hawthorne’s bloodline.

In case her dream about giving birth to a satanic worm didn't spell it out for you

Only Francis seems to realize what is going on, and worse still, the three older women who live below Heidi have taken a particular interest in her of late.  Only one thing is for certain, The Lords of Salem are back.

My Take

The Lords of Salem isn’t so much scary as it is unsettling and creepy.  The film is generally devoid of colour, helping to convey the dark and haunting tone.  I thought the first two thirds of the film were rather good, and I found myself really getting into the story. 

Unfortunately I generally disliked Heidi’s two co-hosts on the radio show.  I found them annoying and a bit too cheesy on air, but off the air I guess they were alright.  Honestly though, what were they thinking playing “The Lords” live on their show?  And after it creeps everybody out the first time, they play it again a couple days later.  The music was literally played on threads and sticks, hundreds of years ago by talentless witches.  I have trouble believing they would be able to play that horrible sounding garbage on the air multiple times.

Well maybe it's not that unbelievable

And it’s about time somebody explained why goats are so prominent in Satanism.  I’m not sure how credible the explanation is, but at least they tried.  I also got a kick out of the scene in the church, but for all of the religious people out there I’ll leave that to the imagination.

As much as I enjoyed the first two thirds of the film, I was a little confused by the last bit. I wasn’t exactly sure what I was seeing half the time, but I liked it.

Needs an explanation, won't get one

At first I was a bit disappointed in The Lords of Salem, but when I was explaining the movie to my girlfriend a couple hours later, I found myself getting very excited just talking about it.  I realize I really liked this movie, but I am nothing if not an honest reviewer, and so I have to try not to let my personal opinions get in the way, especially when this film is far from perfect.

The Verdict

It’s not one of Rob Zombie’s best movies, but it is far better than that atrocity Halloween 2.  This is a great film to watch on a dreary October day.  Make no mistake, it will not be winning any awards, but it is worth watching, and will likely be enjoyable for people who loved Rob Zombie’s other films (excluding that disgusting turd Halloween 2)

6.66/10

Antichrist (2009)

Antichrist (2009)

As this is my the first review that I have written for the blog, I’ve decided to take it upon myself to shit on what I consider to be one of the most disappointing films that I have ever had the misfortune of wasting my precious time on.

The Plot

 Antichrist is an ‘artsy’ horror film written and directed by Lars Von Trier. Never heard of Trier? Well that might have something to do with the fact that he is actually a German director who spews out nothing but indie bullshit and porn. Although I am not personally familiar with his porn work, after watching the dick-smashing fun he had with Antichrist I would probably suggest staying away from it. The film begins with a black and grey fuck-fest between the main characters who are brilliantly named ‘He’ (Willem Dafoe) and ‘She’ (Charolette Gainsboroug). I don’t use the term “fuck-fest” lightly either, the film literally starts with the happy couple doing the bone dance (stunt cock included).

Stunt cock?

Right in the heat of the moment their infant son breaks out of his crib and swan dives out of the bedroom window. The rest of the movies follows ‘He’ and ‘She’ as they deal with the loss of their baby. Things go from bad to worse as ‘He’ decides to use his background as a psychologist to treat his wife at their home.  He strips her of her grief medication and attempts to mend her broken heart himself (bad idea). The situation worsens as her mental health deteriorates and after about a half hour of crying and semi-rape scenes they leave the safety of their home and go to her secluded family cabin in the woods of Eden. This is where the real action happens.  The entire second half of the movie (which is separated into four acts) is basically just a collection of sex, extreme violence, and slow-motion nature shots, all leading to one of the most fucked up climaxes in movie history.

My Take

My disappointment with this movie stems from the fact that I actually really enjoyed the plot. A grieving couple with an already vulnerable marriage who try to escape the pressure of the world by going to a secluded cabin in the woods is an original and rather realistic premise for a horror movie. Pair that with the sub-plot that follows the insanity of the woman and her monstrous past and you have a movie that I could really get behind. The biggest problem with the film is the religious, sexual, and psychological under-tones that it attempts to convey. While watching the movie I literally felt as though I was expected to analyse every single slow-motion scene and line of dialogue. Trier was trying way too hard in my opinion. I understand that he wanted to get a ‘message’ across, and he really wanted his film to mean something, but the overload of subliminal hints really distracts from the movie. Unless you have the free time to watch it repeatedly, it is very difficult to understand. It also seemed like he couldn’t make up his mind about what he wanted to say. Is this a movie about the hatred of women? Religion? Or a skewed interpretation of the struggles of a grieving couple? That being said, the film wasn’t a total train-wreck. The camera and lighting used in the film did a phenomenal job of maintaining the depressing mood, and although the soundtrack used wouldn’t have been my first choice it definitely does the job. The acting overall is more than exceptional, thank god for that considering there are only two characters. I think that Trier thought that leaving the characters nameless would help the audience identify with them emotionally, and maybe that works for some people, but it just left me feeling disconnected.

FUCK

The Verdict

I really wish that this movie had been written and directed by somebody other Trier, because the end result could have been a grade-A horror flick. The story is realistic for the most part (religious bullshit aside), and the lighting/music really draws you in. The directing however is really lackluster, the slow-motion scenes make the movie drag on, and Trier has an extremely annoying habit of ‘cutting and pasting’ dialogue scenes. Rather than feeling complete after the closing credits, the movie makes you feel confused and stupid.  The ending is fucking silly and not even remotely satisfying. Maybe if I had watched the movie ten more times I would finally understand it and have some sort of outstanding revelation. I know that there are going to be a bunch of fucking hipsters that read this review and shit their pants because I ‘don’t understand’ the movie, but honestly what is the point of a movie if the audience doesn’t understand it? A movie should focus on the story first and then the message, any other formula leaves the audience confused. Trier’s method of communication is tired and outdated, like the telegram, or Shakespeare. My final verdict is a generous…

4.5/10

Elysium (2013)

Elysium (2013)

The newest feature film by South African writer/director Neill Blomkamp, Elysium is a brilliant take on the classic dilemma of the 1% vs. everybody else.  You may recognise the name Blomkamp from his last hit, District 9.  If you liked District 9, you will definitely enjoy Elysium as both films have a similar theme and feel.

The Plot

Matt Damon stars as Max, a working class trouble maker who one day dreams of making it to the orbiting ringworld Halo Elysium. 

It's pretty cool I guess

The reason for this ringworld is simple; industry, pollution and irresponsible resource management have essentially destroyed Earth.  Its natural resources are nearing depletion, smog covers nearly the whole planet and jobs are running thin.  Most of the population seems to be unemployed and those who do work seem to make nothing more than pennies.  Elysium on the other hand is everything that Earth is not.  Only the wealthy populate it’s beautiful, if artificial surface.  There is grass, trees, and all of the buildings are pristine white.  All of the suits up there (these people are largely the ones responsible for ruining the Earth with their large, unsustainable corporations) enjoy the finer things in life.  Everyday seems to be a cocktail party.  The main benefit of Elysium, however, lies in its medical care.  They have invented a machine that literally turns back time and eliminates any illness, essentially making those who can afford it beautiful and immortal. 

Enter Max.  He spends his days working a tough manual labour job, makes a pitiful wage, and all for some dickhead who lives on Elysium.  Max gets distracted one day thinking about all of his issues and finds himself locked in a giant microwave.

I know that feel bro

While trapped inside Max is exposed to high levels of radiation.  He survives the incident, but he is given only seven days to live.  His boss, after essentially causing the accident, refuses to pay for any of the medical expenses.  He knows his only choice is to find a way onto Elysium and get to that machine.  Max’s old friend and current love interest Frey (Alice Braga) also has need of this machine.  Her daughter is sick with Cancer and her time is running short as well. 

Max wants nothing more than to get himself onto Elysium, but the bitch in charge of the defence of Elysium takes her job very seriously.  Delacourt (Jodie Foster) pulls no punches as she unleashes her mad dog Kruger (Sharlto Kopely) to make sure that nobody unworthy makes it from Earth to Elysium.  Max, in his weakened state, seeks the help of an old criminal buddy, who is willing to hook him up to a bionic exoskeleton that enhances his strength, memory and ability to move for a small price.  Max must upload a computer program into Elysium’s database, making all people, those on Earth included, legal residents of Elysium.

My Take

Elysium is a classic Robin Hood type of story.  Max is fed up with the rich knobs up on Elysium not sharing the wealth with the poor souls stuck on the disheveled, heavily polluted Earth.  He wishes to seek personal gain, health for himself and his girlfriend’s (ok friend whose a girl) daughter, while also sticking it to the man and bringing equal rights to everyone.  The politics in this film do not occupy too much screen time, but it is present.

The best surprise in this film was easily the performance of Sharlto Copely as Kruger.  He is a ruthless South African mercenary who is in charge of keeping the poor people off of Elysium.  He does the dirty work that Delacourt can’t.  Copely, you may remember, stared as Wikus in District 9 but he is hardly recognisable in his new role.

Uh, I'm cheering for this guy

You knew that Blomkamp would put a South African spin on this film, and the utterly insane mercenary is the perfect touch.

I’m not the biggest Matt Damon fan, but he kind of won me over in this film.  This didn’t change the fact that as soon as I learned about Kruger, I immediately jumped ship and started cheering for the bad guy.  I feel like I still got the message of the film though, that poor people are just as important as wealthy people.  Kruger is stuck living on earth as well, so in a sense, he is a good guy too right, despite the rapes and murders.  Ok I’m just talking out my ass, but fuck it, go Kruger!

The Verdict

This movie is visually striking, the acting is solid, and the atmosphere of the film will keep you watching.  As you can tell, the villain in this film really made it for me.  People will enjoy this film because everybody loves an underdog story, except maybe rich people.  Will they hate this film and cheer for Delacourt and the snobs?  I don’t really know any rich people but it would be interesting to find out.  What if rich people just love watching the favourite beat the shit out of the underdog?  They probably don’t even have the discretion to be secretive about it.  The same types of assholes who cheer for the Lannisters in Game of Thrones.

8.1/10