You're Next (2011)

You’re Next (2011)

Older than I expected, this film has been on my ‘to watch’ list for a while.  Obviously having been marginally successful in theatres recently my expectations were that it was going to be a bit more than just a run of the mill home invasion flick.  It was something alright.

PLOT

This film follows a large and mainly dysfunctional family and their attempt to bring everyone together for Ma and Pa’s anniversary.  After a brief and somewhat meaningless introduction scene where a middle aged man and his attractive if rather blank canvas of a girlfriend are slaughtered, we are introduced to Mom and Dad, who are opening up their magnificent summer home for the family celebration.  Mom is ridiculously quick to react to every little noise in the house and attempts to flee at the drop of a hat, even before anything scary starts to happen.  Can that even be considered foreshadowing or is that just hey y’all gon die territory?  After Dad wanders around with a stick for awhile, mom feels safe enough to re enter the house (yes she was crying out in the driveway). 

The family consists of a cast of characters who I will briefly describe in a speed round.

Crispian: middle brother, heavy Beta, I’m not fat I’m big boned type.  His girlfriend Erin has bigger balls than him and it makes almost zero sense that they would be together.  They are disgustingly cutesy together and it drives everyone crazy, especially my favourite character-

Drake: older brother and major douchebag.  I was blown away by Drake’s skills of antagonism, and even more blown away by his wife, who not only doesn’t mind his cruel ways, but goes along with it.

Felix: little brother, looks like he was probably a trouble maker, has a hot emo girlfriend named Zee.

I think there was a little sister and her artsy boyfriend, but being little more than bloodbags, they are hardly even worth describing at this point.

The family, with lots minor, easily kill-offable characters, finally begins their dinner.  It is interrupted first by a brother fight, beautifully instigated by Drake, then a crossbow assault from outside.  The family is under siege, but why?  Could it be because the neighbours are upset they weren’t invited to the party?  Maybe it’s because the dad is filthy wealthy? 

The second one, definitely the second one!

My Take

Twenty minutes in I was convinced I would hate this movie.  I was already coming up with little criticisms like bad acting (which mainly holds true), lack of story, uninventive etc.  I thought I’d seen it all before and better in The Strangers.  Thirty minutes in I changed my mind.  I didn’t realize this movie was a partial comedy.  I love the largely untapped Comedy/Horror genre, so as soon as Drake started cracking wise, I was back in. 

Let me talk about Drake for a second.  He fills the role of douchy older brother perfectly.  He can’t let his sense of superiority over his little bro die, even as a grown up, and nothing makes him more upset than seeing his little brother have something be happy.  I guess I like him because in a sense I can identify with him, being a big brother myself.  If you don’t know me, I used to leave my brothers action figures in compromising gay positions all over the house and take dick pics with his camera in attempts to frame him for being gay in front of my dad.  I also once tied him to a chair in our dark creepy basement with duct tape, left him down there for like an hour, than clumsily cut him loose with a razor sharp buck knife.  I’m not crazy, I’m not!  Either way I’ve grown up a bit since then, but Drake clearly has not.  I am truly jealous of his skills of antagonism, he doesn’t even die properly.  He is the best character in this movie, besides Zee (she edges him out because she asks to fuck Felix next to the corpse of his dead mother.  Surprisingly not the most fucked up sexual suggestion I’ve ever heard, but its close).

Don't go here kids

Some of the kill scenes actually were very shocking and brutal, which was unexpected.  If you’ve seen the film you probably recall “Daddy’s little angel” and how they thought it would be a good idea to have her sprint out the front door at full speed because the killers wouldn’t expect that.  Classic.  I also really enjoyed the soundtrack when it was prevalent.  After a few flawless murders, we start to see that the killers incompetent and unprofessional.  The blend of comedy and shock horror was actually fairly nicely balanced.   

All in all Erin handles herself quite well, though one scene in particular had me concerned with her intelligence.  She is gathering weapons to defend against the attackers, which is smart.  She trips and falls, dropping her carefully gathered arsenal all over the floor.  Not her fault, everyone falls, but one of the weapons she was planning to use to defend herself, or give to someone to defend themselves was literally a butter knife.

"Here take this butter knife, if they come at you try to woahh...."

Despite being funny and somewhat brutal, this wasn’t quite a slam dunk.  I did enjoy it, and being partially a comedy, I can excuse the acting quality but I hate cheap scare tactics and this movie is guilty of a couple.  It contains jump out scares, which is ok, but it relies on them as the only form of horror, which is bad.  There is one scene where dad comes in literally screaming “Hey I lit the furnace!” to capitalize on a tense moment with a jump scare.  There are also a couple absolutely pointless flash backs that made me wonder if I downloaded a faulty torrent.

The Verdict

Funny; yes.  Scary; maybe for some.  Worth a watch; definitely.  It’s not going to blow your socks off, but it will entertain you for what it’s worth.  Whether you cheer for the family or the bad guys, the ending will make sure you’re bloodlust is satisfied you dirty freaks. 

7.1/10

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

The Hobbit is drawing controversy between movie lovers and hipster book snobs.  The majority of the population loved this movie, but there are several extremist holdouts that spew irrelevant points and unwarranted criticism of this movie simply because they love to gloat about the fact that they read the book before you and they know everything that Tolkien would have wanted in a film.  They're the same dickheads who correct you when you call the dragon Smog.

It's pronounced SMAUG not SMOG!!

We try to stay away from those dickheads.  Sure the movie had some flaws, and yeah Peter Jackson took a ton of creative liberties with the story, but I’ve been reading reviews about this movie that give it 1/10 or 2/10.  Seriously at this point you’re just being obnoxious.  Any rating less than 6/10 should be viewed as being written by a troll, or someone who just doesn’t get it.  (Yes this is going to be a bit of a rant)

The Plot

Not going to ruin too much for you here.  The Desolation of Smaug is a very middle movie in this extended trilogy.  There is no real clear beginning/middle/end formula; it is simply a means to the grand finale we are all still aching to see.  The Dwarves, led by Gandalf and accompanied by Bilbo continue to make their way to the misty mountain.  The fellowship (almost scared to call it that) must evade forces of orcs, wood elves and even humans in pursuit of their goal.  Bilbo struggles with his obsession with the ring, Thorin struggles with his role as a leader, Bombur struggles with his weight and Gandalf struggles not to get buttfucked by the Necromancer.  

You have a problem

Through it all The Dwarves continue to fight their way closer and closer to the misty mountain and the dangers that lie within.

My Take

I really enjoyed this movie, and yes I did read the book.  Nothing pisses me off more than reading a review that says `this isn`t a good movie but you will enjoy it`.   What the fuck is that supposed to mean?  Get off your high horse and try to tell me that the point of movies isn’t to be entertained.  Even if you disagree with the rewrites and action, this is a fucking good movie.

I concede that there were a ton of discrepancies between the book and movie.  Jackson subjected the script to tons of rewrites that clearly sat uneasy with the Tolkein Nazi’s.  I didn’t mind so much because most of the scenes that were added did nothing more than inject some action and excitement into a fucking 2.5 hour movie.  Legolas was not in the book, but is anyone going to complain about his role in this movie?  They sure as fuck shouldn’t because all he does is kicks ass and takes names, killing orcs in numbers even Gimli couldn’t fathom. 

I'm still relevent!!

I’m not too sure what Tolkein Loyalists wanted to see on the big screen.  I’m sure anything short of a word for word retelling would be a major disappointment.  I’m glad they’re disappointed because their version of the movie would have been boring as shit.  Novels with in depth character development and lots of adventure (walking and eating in this case) don’t generally do well on film.  Take almost any Stephen King book.  Several anomalies made it to the big screen and did well (Carrie, Shawshank, hell even Pet Semetary was alright), but the majority of his movies are major busts.  Is this because he is a bad storyteller? Absolutely not.  Sometimes excellent written storytelling doesn’t translate onto the big screen because it is impossible to show internal thought processes and prolonged conversations on screen without being boring and having characters talk out loud to themselves.  Simple as this, blockbusters need to be tinkered to make them audience friendly.  I know I couldn’t sit through two and a half hours of a version of The Hobbit that included God Damn Tom Bombadill. 

One thing I do need to mention is the CGI.  I loved the LOTR movies because of the non computer generated special effects.  The Hobbit is a bit guilty relying heavily on CGI for the majority of action sequences. 

On to the positives.  The scenery was absolutely beautiful.  The action sequences were epic as well.  The movie had a good balance of action, comedy and discovery with only a couple scenes that dragged (Kili and Tauriel I’m looking at you and your fucked up attempts at romance).  The acting is second to none, as has come to be expected.  The final scenes may be a bit of a cock tease, but you will definitely be looking forward to the final installment next year. 

The Verdict

You know you are going to see this movie.  Snobs, get over yourselves.

8.5/10